The Phunyun

Michael Vick Out Against Panthers, Ron Mexico In

2009-08-26T22:36:00.008-04:00

When the Eagles take the field against the Carolina Panthers Thursday night many expect recent signee Michael Vick to be part of the Philadelphia contingent, but sources close to the team tell The Phunyun that no player wearing a Vick jersey will appear on the field that evening.

Instead, wearing number 7 for the Eagles will be Ron Mexico, the name Vick has legally taken following the outrage after his signing earlier this month.

Some might find the name change as a surprise, but there is some precedent.

In 2005, a female healthcare worker filed a lawsuit against Vick, claiming that she contracted herpes simplex 2 after having unprotected sex with the Atlanta Falcons QB. In the lawsuit, the woman claimed Vick knew he had herpes after being tested multiple times for the disease under the name Ron Mexico.

Although the case was settled out of court with Vick never acknowledging his use of the pseudonym, he has now decided to embrace the Ron Mexico moniker, saying the embarrassment surrounding the name is easier to handle than what he went to jail for.

"Who wants to go around admitting that they have herpes?" Mexico (nee Vick) said in an exclusive interview with The Phunyun. "But I just had to ask myself, 'what's easier to swallow, having herpes or killing and electrocuting puppies?' I'm going with herpes."

As with most decisions surrounding the former No. 1 pick, the Eagles were heavily involved in the evolution of Michael Vick to Ron Mexico.

"This wasn't necessarily a 'football decision,'" said Eagles president Joe Banner. "But sometimes you have to look at things from a PR perspective. And at the end of the day what's an easier thing to sell to public? Using a false name to see if you have herpes or forcing dogs into death matches and allegedly hanging them? I'm going herpes every time."

The decision to change Vick's name to Ron Mexico may have financial repercussions for the Eagles who will be unable to sell Mexico jerseys in stores or online because of a ban on the name by the NFL.

But some, like Philadelphia resident Charlie Balducci says he's showing his solidarity with the Eagles QB in another way.

"Look, who out there can saw we didn't go down to Cancun for spring break or something and not come back with a present we didn't exactly want?" said the 38-year-old mechanic. "You know what I'm saying? A little Valtrex. Boom! All better."

While the name change seems to get the Eagles and their new player one step ahead of the backlash from PETA and a variety of other groups, a new challenge may be facing the team and its quarterback in the coming months.

According to sources south of the border, Mexican President Felipe Calderon is considering a boycott of Philadelphia-based products if Mexico takes the field Thursday night.

Who's the Boss Actor Attends North East High Orientation

2009-08-25T21:03:00.007-04:00

Tony Danza pictured in front of North East High School in Philadelphia

In a 3-1 vote just days ago, the School Reform board approved television and film star, Tony Danza, to shoot the new reality series "Teach" at North East High School in Philadelphia. The show won't air till sometime in 2010 on A&E, but that didn't stop its star from getting up-to-speed by attending his teacher's orientation. "I've played a male-nanny, a baseball pitcher, and a field goal kicking trash man, but teacher is the toughest role I'm ever gonna play."

The 58 year old Brooklyn native recently moved into a duplex on the corner of Pennway and Brighton Streets, just blocks from North East High. He states, "I wanted to be close to the kids and the school... and the 7-11." Danza currently holds a bachelors degree in history education from the University of Dubuque, and will team up with a primary teacher once school starts this week. Cameras will remain hidden so the students can feel more comfortable, and the school has permission to cancel the series if they feel the show is becoming a distraction. Prospective "Teach." Sophomore, Johnathan Monangela shared, "Its cool for the school and all, to have like, a famous guy teaching class... plus, Alyssa Milano... I'd hit that."

The Phunyun was able to procure a copy of Danza's syllabus, which contains an interesting curriculum. Firstly, his class's grading policy will not be based on the traditional A-F scale. Rather, students will receive either a passing grade of "Ay-oh" or a failing grade of "Oh-ay." And secondly, students are expected to recite the theme song to "Who's the Boss?" on command no matter where they may cross Danza's path: the halls, the cafeteria, even the bathroom.

A&E hopes "Teach" can match the popularity and dedicated viewership of its other Philly-based reality series, "Parking Wars". The original prospective cast to host "Teach." included John Ritter and Christopher Reeves, but they both died.

Corp. Sponsors Follow Eagles Lead, Give Vick "2nd Chance"

2009-08-20T22:26:00.008-04:00

In April of 2007, then Atlanta quarterbacking runner, Michael Vick, was convicted of felony charges for his involvement in a large unlawful interstate dog fighting ring. He was sentenced to 2 years of prison time, was indefinitely suspended by the National Footballing League, lost all his corporate sponsors and had to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. He lost everything. One of those sponsors was Vicks Chemical Group, makers of numerous health products including the world famous "Vicks Vapo Rub." CEO of Procter & Gamble, William Suitsky stated, "It was a win win situation. He did amazing things on the field... we did amazing things on your chest, but he blew it."

Suitsky demanded his marketing team remove Vick from all promotional materials, including displays and the bottles of rub themselves. He even went as far as removing the name Vicks from the label, something that had been around since 1890. He states, "To be honest, it hurt business. Nobody wants to just buy Bob's Vapo Rub... they want Vicks."

Meanwhile, Vick completed his prison sentence and was re-instated into the league by commissioner Roger Goodell in July, where he was promptly signed to a 1 year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. Head play coach, Andy Reid fought hard and long to convince owner Jeffery Lurie to sign Vick. Reid stated, "Everyone deserves to get seconds..."

When asked how the partnership between number wearing 7 and Procter & Gamble was revisited, Suitsky replied, "It all started with a phone call." Former Horse Colts head play coach Tony Dungy contacted the corporation and told them that Michael Vick was a changed man. "Mr. Dungy was pretty adamant about Michael seeing the error of his ways. I have a hard time trusting black people, but I'm willing to give Mr. Vick a second chance." When told that Tony Dungy was also black, Suitsky responded by laughing hysterically.

Calls were made to all of Vick's former sponsors, including Nike, EA Sports, Coca-Cola and Hasbro with a response of "no comment."

Notes: Michael Vick will be eligible for football play by Week 6 of the Eagles game season at the latest. He can participate in all practices and meetings, and the final two preseason footballing games. Vick is more known for his ability to speed run and less for his ability to arm throw football passes.

World Series Champs Release Magical Holiday Album

2008-11-30T22:22:00.012-05:00

Those tuning in to PBS (WHYY) tomorrow evening will not see the regularly scheduled "Chris Isaak Christmas" or "Christmas with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir." Instead, they will be treated to a holiday music tour de force, featuring the unlikely coupling of the 2008 World Series Champions, the Philadelphia Phillies, with star recording artists ranging from Hall n' Oates to Sir Elton John. This special, taped just weeks ago at the Kimmel Center in Philadelphia, features select songs from the new album "Christmas Came Two Months Early..." the brainchild of Phil Spector, world renowned producer and murderer. Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel coined the popular phrase that adorns each CD insert in a speech at the conclusion of the Championship parade at Citizen's Bank Park. Since that moment, the city of Philadelphia had been in a state of Christmas Euphoria.

Contributors to PBS fundraisers and drives can get their holiday 2 disc-set for a donation of $200.00 US. Disc One is 16 tracks of holiday cheer with a dash of Phillies championship baseball. Highlights include musical cameos by MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, former star of "Who's the Boss?" Alyssa Milano, star of Broadway and stage Robert Goulet, the Vienna Boys Choir and many more... all teamed up with South Philadelphia's favorite team to sing old and new Christmas classics. Disc Two is a DVD packed with extras from the making of the album. Take on the Phillie Phanatic in an interactive sleigh ride on the Schuykill, follow local camera crews for behind the scenes bloopers in the 60 min. all access documentary, or help local radio personality from 610 WIP, Howard Eskin, save his collection of Christmas mink coats from the PETA Grinches.

Full Track listing for Disc 1 can be found by clicking more below.
More...

1. O' Coach O' Coach, C. Manuel - the entire 2008 World Series Championship Philadelphia Phillies roster headed by Robert Goulet.
2. Step Into Kalas - Phillies announcer Harry Kalas and Sir Elton John.
3. Jingle Burrell Rock - outfielder, Pat Burrell and the Phillies Ball Girls.
4. Here Comes Blanton Claus - pitcher and game four hero Joe Blanton on the sax (instrumental).
5. Joy to the World (F*cking Champions) - Chase Utley and the Vienna Boys Choir.
6. Silent Ninth - perfect closer, Brad Lidge with the help of J.C. Romero and Ryan Madson.
7. Do You Eyre What I Eyre? - Scott Eyre, Chad Durbin, and J.A. Happ team up with the Bare Naked Ladies.
8. Baby, it's Wet Outside - MLB commissioner Bud Selig and the Citizen's Bank Grounds Crew, with a special solo by Fox's John Bolaris.
9. Gillick-alikimaka - Shane and brother Mau-hulo Victorino celebrate the Phillies former GM and their native land.
10. What Inning is This? - Sarge Matthews and Alyssa Milano.
11. Deck the Wife - Phillies starting pitcher, Brett Myers and the Boston PD.
12. Ruiz/Feliz Navidad - catcher Carlos Ruiz and third baseman Pedro Feliz mambo with Buena Vista Social Club.
13. O' Little Town of Souderton - The Jamie Moyer Family.
14. Brunt-lett it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow - pinch hitter Eric Bruntlett, Daryl Hall and John Oates.
15. Swing Away in a Manger - Ryan Howard and his animated bat, Hitty (voiced by Dom De Louise).
16. I've Got My Glove to Keep Me Warm - golden glover Jimmy Rollins and soul artist Eryka Badu.

Septa Announces "What The Fuck Did You Expect Really?"

2008-10-31T23:52:00.004-04:00

Friday's Phillies championship parade drew such a crowd into Philadelphia that the city's public transportation system suspended service into the city at 1 p.m. leaving thousands of fans unable to reach the parade. This is just one part of SEPTA's ongoing "We Really Just Don't Give A Shit" campaign.

Early estimates say Friday's Phillies championship parade drew over two million people into the city from 20th and Market to the stadium complex in South Philly. Because of the huge crowd, and the urging of Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter, many decided to take SEPTA, Philadelphia's public transportation system. But by midday they had cancelled all inbound service to the city so trains would be available to bring people home after the parade.

"The option was really to either add more trains to alleviate the congestion, or just give up," said SEPTA spokesperson Dee Ouchebag. "So we just stopped running the trains inbound because we really just don't give a shit."

As it turned out, SEPTA's hard work getting trains back to Philadelphia worked well as thousands of people were left stranded, some waiting more than three hours for trains heading to the suburbs.

"I live in the suburbs, we don't take the goddamn train out there, we drive," said first time SEPTA rider Rico Savage. "I've been standing [at Suburban Station] for two hours now, I'm never using SEPTA again."

Ouchebag said SEPTA has been getting thousands of reactions like that all day.

"And that's basically what we're looking for at SEPTA," said Ouchebag. "This was our moment to really show people what we were all about and I think now everyone in the Philadelphia region, and hopefully the world, know we really just don't give a shit."

UPDATE: William Penn Statue Torn Down, Fans Proclaim "The Curse Is Overthrown"

2008-10-30T12:31:00.003-04:00

Today at approximately 10 a.m., a number of unidentified Philadelphia sports fans were able hijack a FOX-29 helicopter and removed the William Penn statue which once stood above City Hall. The statue, once the icon for the so-called "William Penn Curse" which kept Philadelphia sports teams from winning a championship, was ripped from it's base and then dropped 12 stories to the City Hall concourse.

A large group of revelers who were still celebrating after Wednesday night's World Series victory, gathered around the remains of the statue to take out 28 years of frustration on the William Penn likeness, beating it with hammers, shoes and stale Amoroso rolls.

"We overthrew the curse!" screamed Center City resident Adam Eneav. "William Penn is finally dead!"

When asked about the William Penn incident in a press conference this afternoon, Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter said the city will not take the actions lightly.

"That kind of idiotic, destructive behavior will not be accepted," said Nutter. "You can celebrate, but you cannot be a jackass."

Philadelphia Residents Take Out 25 Years of Frustration on William Penn Statue

2008-10-30T01:17:00.004-04:00

The William Penn statue, sitting atop Philadelphia's City Hall has long been rumored to be the cause of the city's sports failures. But with Wednesday night's World Series win by the Phillies a select number of fans are making sure the curse is dead for good by tearing down the iconic structure.

Following celebrations that went into the early hours of Thursday an unidentified number of assailants gained access to a FOX-29 helicopter with the intention of removing the William Penn statue from it's perch. By 8:30 a.m. the perpetrators were hovering above City Hall, had fastened a harness around the statue and were attempting to remove the statue from it's moorings.

The Phunyun was able to conduct a brief phone interview with a member of group who asked to remain anonymous and said he wanted to make sure other didn't have to suffer as long as he did.

"Look, I'm 30 and I don't remember 1980 or '83 and I don't want my kids or my kids' kids to have to wait their entire lives to see a championship," said the group's leader. "Not that I have kids, or even want them. I mean I can't take care of myself barely, I'm stealing helicopters for fuck's sake. Shit, I'm thinking maybe this wasn't a good idea now that I'm sobering up."

The group has gained some followers who agree William Penn was the source of their sports misery for the past 25 years. Justin Eyem said he would like to take out his frustrations on the statute.

"I've been waiting my whole life for a championship," said Eyem. "If that statue was in front of me right now I would probably beat the shit out of it."

The group hopes to have the statue fully removed later this morning. In a surprising move the city has yet to stop the statue's removal and Mayor Nutter's office was unavailable for comment by press time.

PHILS WIN THE WORLD SERIES OF BASEBALL GAMING...

2008-10-30T00:22:00.005-04:00

... No really, they did!!! 2008 Champions!!!

The Soul Release Championship Apparel (Reminder)

2008-10-28T21:33:00.007-04:00

The Philadelphia Soul, 2008 Arena football ball club Champions, have released new apparel reminding the city that they were the first team to win a title in the past 25 years. T-shirts, sweat-shirts, dog shirts, shirt shirts, and Zubaz pants are available at cafe-press for $20, each adorned with the playful catch phrase "Uh... We Already Has?" All proceeds from sales will be donated to the H.A.A. or "Hair Across Africa" organization, a group created by Soul owner and musician Jon Bon Jovi. H.A.A. helps malnourished and dying African children get really amazing 80's hair cuts.

Phillies Receive Much Coveted Tony The Tiger Endorsement

2008-10-28T21:02:00.005-04:00

A number of celebrities have been seen in Philadelphia during this year's World Series including country music stars Taylor Swift and Tim McGraw and hometown NBA star Rasheed Wallace. But many were stunned Monday night when Frosted Flakes pitchman Tony the Tiger was seen on the Broad Street subway donning a Phillies jersey.

"If you've ever seen our commercials you know I'm a big sports fan," said the Tiger. "I'm not necessarily a Phillies fan per se, but I'm a huge fan of Jimmy Rrrrrrrrrrollins. Sorry, that's a tick I have."

A recent Phunyun/New York Times survey found that the cereal advertising world was essentially split down the middle in the World Series support. However, Barney Rubble later told The Phunyun he was only rooting for the Phillies to try to steal Fred's Fruity Pebbles.

Philly Strip Clubs Spoof World Series Promotion Offering "Free Pink Taco..."

2008-10-28T14:16:00.007-04:00

Taco Bell is running a World Series promotion giving out free tacos today, Oct. the 28th, thanks in part to the base stealing abilities of Tampa Bay's Jason Bartlett. Between the hours of 2 and 6pm, for one day only, patrons can enter any Taco Bell across the country and receive their free taco. A few local Phialdelphia strip clubs have taken this idea and run with it in a complete opposite (and much more enticing) direction. DayDreams, Cheerleaders, Show n' Tell, and other particpating clubs will open tonight at 10pm with free admission and one complimentary lap dance for males wearing a Phillies jersey as part of their "Free Pink Taco" promotion.

Phillies Call In Bejing Olympic Weather Modification Team to Halt Downpour...

2008-10-28T10:25:00.007-04:00

A select team of 30 members of the Bureau of Weather Modification, one of the largest organizations in the world, touched down at Philadelphia International Airport early this morning with one thing on their mind: STOP THAT RAIN. The BWM's spokeperson, Wang Cheung, states, "We received a carr rate rast night from the Phiraderphia Phirries, asking us to herp hart the incrimate weather that is currentry hitting the city." When asked why he was talking this way, Cheung did three backflips and disappeared. This team, part of the 37,000 member army that the BWM has become, is called into action whenever parts of the world are struck by an unusual drought. But much like they did in Bejing for the 2008 Olympics, they are now being called upon to stop the rain from falling over a particular geographical region, that being Citizen's Bank Park.

A translator for lead BWM weapons specialist, General Kara Teechop shared, "We basically shoot various items up into the clouds, like silver iodide, salts, dry ice, Craisins, and rubber bands." This form of "rain mitigation" helped open a small window of perfect weather for the Chinese games, keeping the patrons inside the Birds Nest in downtown Bejing high and dry. When asked if he was concerned that perhaps this process could cause a drought in the Philadelphia region for a prolonged amount of time, Mayor Nutter stated, "I'd trade an agricultural drought for a championship drought anyday."

Religious Group Proclaims "God Hates Phils"

2008-10-28T09:41:00.007-04:00

Game five of the 2008 World Series was postponed after heavy rain fell on the Philadelphia area last night, and with more rain in the forecast on Tuesday it's unclear when the game will resume. While many continue to blame Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig for the decision, another culprit is emerging - God.

The Westboro Baptist Church has become infamous for their condemnation of homosexuality and for protesting at the funerals of fallen American soldiers. Last night, members of the church were seen protesting outside of Citizens Bank Park claiming there was no way God would allow the city of Philadelphia to celebrate a championship.

Armed with signs reading "God Hates Phils," "Blame It On The Rain" and "We'd Say You're Going To Hell, But You're Already In Philadelphia," the group expressed what they believe to be God's hatred toward Philadelphia sports franchises. The group's leader, Reverend Fred Phelps seemed to predict a rainfall early in the evening.

"And it will come to pass that after four games a flood shall fall on the city," said Phelps. "And two by two they shall exit the park, dissatisfied with the result, cursing the name Bud Selig."

It is unclear if Phelps' church will protest outside of game five when it resumes either tonight or tomorrow. "We've got a lot of people to offend," said Phelps. "So I don't know if we can stick around this modern day Sodom and Gomorrah."

Lab Results for "Dark Spot" on Blanton's Cap Are In...

2008-10-27T12:35:00.014-04:00

Tampa Bay Ray's Manager and local Hazelton god, Joe Maddon, asked MLB officials to confiscate Phillies pitcher Joe Blanton's baseball cap immediately after last night's Game 4 of the World Series. Blanton pitched well through 7 innings and seemed to confound the majority of the Rays' hitters. During the third inning, Maddon's brother John called Joe on his personal cell phone and exclaimed that due to his Hi-Def feed and 1080 i flat screen television, he could see a mysterious substance on Blanton's brim. The hat was bagged and sent to a third party laboratory, where technicians worked through the night to discover the molecular makeup of the spot and test it for any possible illegal substance. The results were delivered to MLB commissioner Bud Selig's hotel room this morning via Liberties Parcel. He states, "Aside from the results being revoltingly disgusting, there were no illegal substances found and I absolve both Joe Blanton and the Phillies organization of any wrong doing." A piece by piece break down of the lab results follows just below..

Rays Manager Joe Maddon Does Not Approve of Your Beer Choice

2008-10-27T00:14:00.004-04:00

It's been widely regarded that Philadelphia fans are some of the toughest in sports. Although it's rarely discussed by the national media, the Philly fans even booed Santa Claus once. But not often do they get it in return, especially from the opposing team's manager.

During game 3 of the World Series Saturday night, Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon traded verbal jabs with some Phillies fans seated near the Rays dugout. However, at one point Maddon hit below the belt - attacking a man's choice in beer.

"Down by the dugout I had a good time with a bunch of guys sitting up in the stands. I was actually giving a guy a hard time for drinking Coors Light in Philadelphia," said Maddon. "We went back and forth with that, and I said 'where's the Schmidt's?' At least some Rolling Rock. Don't be going with Coors Light. It's so unfashionable for a Philly dude."

The Phunyun was able to catch up with Brandon Hudson who was Maddon's sparring partner and defends his beer choice.

"First of all I don't know where the hell Joe Maddon's been but the Schmidt's brewery closed in 1987, so maybe he should get some new references," said Hudson. "And secondly, I just grabbed a beer from the vendor who was selling in our section. Sorry I didn't want to wait in line and wanted to actually watch the game, unlike the fans in Tampa."

Sarah Palin Removes Curse From Flyers, Places It On St. Louis Blues

2008-10-24T22:46:00.007-04:00

After the Flyers failed to win in their first six games following Sarah Palin's ceremonial puck drop for their season opener, the Republican Vice Presidential candidate removed the curse Friday night, placing it instead on the St. Louis Blues.

While campaigning in Missouri Friday, Palin made an appearance at the Scottrade Center to drop the puck before that night's Blues/Kings game. Meanwhile, 900 miles away in Newark, New Jersey, the Philadelphia Flyers broke out of a 3-2 deficit entering the second period to win their game against the New Jersey Devils 6-3. As expect, the Blues lost their match to the Kings 4-0.

Experts across the sports world agree Palin is placing some sort of curse on the home teams she drops the puck for. The self-described "hockey mom" is now being mentioned in the same breath as "The Curse of the Billy Goat," "The Curse of the Bambino" and "The Curse of Being the Clippers."

Oliver Klozoff, professor of Paranormal Studies at Temple University, says "The Palin Curse," like most of the other curses, is very real and should be taken seriously by any other NHL team thinking of allowing the VP candidate to drop the puck.

"A lot of people might look at this and say, 'oh that's just a coincidence' and those people are kidding themselves," said Klozoff. "There is something at work here, I don't know if it's because she feels there aren't enough Alaskans in the NHL or what. But I'll tell you this, if you see the Dallas Mavericks tank when the NBA season starts I think we have a real epidemic on our hands."

Klozoff also believes Palin's power is increasing and her potential to cause havoc on professional sports teams may be growing with each appearance.

"Take a look at tonight's game with the Blues," said Klozoff. "Not only did they get shut out by a bad Kings team, but their goalie was injured tripping over the carpet she walked out on. This is getting scary."

Before the ceremony involving Palin, Blues goalie Manny Legace accidentally stepped on the red carpet and tripped. Legace allowed two goals on 12 shots during the first period and did not return for the second period with what the team is calling a "lower body injury."

Calls to the Palin campaign were not returned by press time.

Phillies Relent to Fans, Howard to Sit, Myers to DH

2008-10-23T17:27:00.003-04:00

Although he almost single-handedly put the Phillies in the playoffs with his September play, first baseman Ryan Howard will sit the bench tonight in a move that Phillies fans have been calling for since the playoffs began. Taking the place of Howard in the clean-up spot will be pitcher Brett Myers according to manager Charlie Manuel.

"People probably, you know, they probably don't know it, but like, I listen to advice from the fans," said Manuel. "And they make a good, you know they make a good point about Howard not hitting. So, we're going to give Myers a shot since, like, he's batting .800."

Streams of calls to sports radio stations, and sports blogs in the Philadelphia region have been calling for the benching of Howard with his .229 batting average during the playoffs. By contrast, Myers is batting a red-hot .800 over the same time span.

Phillies fan Andrew Christopher said he thinks this is the right decision.

"Howard fucking sucks," said Christopher. "He just sucks, I dunno."

Phillies Choose Other Christopher Walken SNL Skit to Combat Rays' "More Cowbell"

2008-10-21T15:56:00.005-04:00

One of the images and sounds that has become synonymous with the 2008 Major League Baseball playoffs has been Tampa Rays fans ringing cowbells and holding up signs reading "More Cowbell," a reference to a 2000 Saturday Night Live skit starring Christopher Walken. In an effort to combat this, the Philadelphia Phillies are asking fans to chant "wowee-wow-wow-wow" during the World Series.

John Brazer, director of publicity for the Phillies says "wowee-wow-wow-wow" gives fans who might not know the difference between a fair ball and a fair catch a reason to cheer.

"Let's be honest, by the time you're in the World Series, a lot of the people at the ballpark are just there because it's the cool place to be," said Brazer. "But as we saw in Tampa, where people clearly know and care nothing about baseball, a line from a Saturday Night Live skit can excite people who don't even know what baseball is."

The "wowee-wow-wow-wow" line comes from a recurring skit on SNL called The Continental starring Christopher Walken. Brazer says The Continental skit was chosen because of the popularity of Walken in the Cowbell skit, but also because The Continental had a longer track record.

"I mean you've got The Continental that appeared on SNL six times. Six Times!" said Brazer. "That Cowbell sketch only ran once and really it's Will Ferrell that makes that sketch funny."

As of press time it was unclear how the Phillies plan on implementing "wowee-wow-wow-wow" into the games at Citizens Bank Park, but they expect it to rank high in sports meme lure.

"It's going to rank up there with Rally Monkey for the Angels and the Tomahawk Chop for the Braves and Gino for the Celtics," said Brazer. "It'll be pretty huge."

Shane Victorino's Little Brother Arrested by Dog the Bounty Hunter.

2008-10-17T16:58:00.009-04:00

The Phillies extended family has received yet another blow in the days leading up to their first World Series appearence since 1993. Just days after head coach Charlie Manuel lost his mother, Phillies centerfielder Shane Victorino received word that his little brother, Mau-hulo, had been apprehended by television star and bounty hunter, Duane Champman. Mau-hulo Victorino was sought after repeatedly missing court appearances before Hawaiin judges and was handed over to authorities by Dog and company early this morning. The world's most famous hunter of men said, "He's a good kid that just went in the wrong direction. He's going to jail, but things could be worse... he could be dating a black girl."

As if Victorino didn't have enough to worry about with the impending series, Shane must attend the funeral of his grandmother who just recently passed away. When asked if this would affect his performance on the field, Victorino stated, "No questions asked," before boarding a plane for his home island of Maui.

Republicans Crowd Philadelphia Streets After Third Presidential Debate

2008-10-16T13:43:00.005-04:00

A sea of red filled the streets all over the Philadelphia region last night shortly after the end of the third Presidential debate aired last night. Although most news outlets called the debate a win for Barack Obama, the throng of Republican-red worn by those in the crowd seemed to show Philadelphians' support for John McCain.

This kind of spontaneous outpouring of support for a political candidate is virtually unheard of and typically reserved for sporting events. But last night, about 45 minutes after the end of last night's Presidential debate in Hempstead, New York, thousands of McCain supporters filled streets, emptied bars and began honking car horns. Although some chants from the fans were inaudible, a clear "We won!" could be heard repeatedly from fans who believed McCain won the debate.

When asked what he thought of the night's events, Mike Hunt of Mayfair said, "Fuck the dodgers," a clear sign that he felt Barack Obama had dodged questions in the night's debate.

MLB Tells Myers To Cover Ridiculous Facial Hair Before Tonight's Game

2008-09-24T01:59:00.006-04:00

In his previous start last week again the Florida Marlins, Phillies pitcher Brett Myers was forced to cover his ugly, out-dated, white-trash tribal tattoo on his left wrist when it was deemed distracting to opposing batters. But Atlanta skipper Bobby Cox raised the bar in gamesmanship this week by asking Major League Baseball to not only force Myers to cover the tattoo, but to also cover his ridiculous facial hair when he pitches against Braves tonight.

"It's just them trying to get in my head," said Myers, who refused to shave his chin vagina and will instead wear a chin strap designed for people with sleeping disorders. "They can't get in my head, people have been trying to get in my head for years - fans, managers, pitching coaches, my wife - ain't gonna happen."

Braves catcher Brian McCann said there is validity to the distraction caused by the bush on Myers' chin. "You're up at the plate and you see this weird orange, redish thing hanging from his face and there's no way you can pay attention to the ball," said McCann. "I mean, all he does is throw fastballs so it shouldn't be that hard, but that Goddamn soul patch takes you out of your game."

But Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said it's just a feeble attempt to psych out the team. "You know, it's like, why would they ... you know, why would they be distracted? It's like, you know ... well first of all, I think, it's like ..."

Not effected by the facial hair ban is Phillies right fielder Jayson Werth, who will be allowed to patrol the outfield with his chin landing strip.

Lindros Cleared of All Charges in Friend's Mother's Death

2008-09-05T10:51:00.009-04:00

Former Philadelphia Flyer Hockey Puck captain, Eric Lindros has been cleared of any involvement in the death of his close friend's mother. The investigation ended when the coroner's report listed cause of death as "natural causes." Suspicions arose last week when Lindros declined an invitation to attend a ceremony featuring all fifteen of the franchise's captains at the Spectrum for an exhibition game, citing his prior commitment to attend the memorial service of a friend's dead mother. Enraged by the negative response from his former prodigy, ex-general manager Bobby Clarke hired a private investigator to examine evidence and tail the Lindros family, including father Carl and mother Bonnie.

"Who sets up a memorial service that far in advance... and more importantly, who has a memorial service so late after the passing?" screamed an enraged Clarke in a recent interview. The famed forward player achieved glory back in the 7o's, leading the Flyers to two consecutive winning Championships as an integral part of the Broad Street Bullies. As GM, Clarke made a enormous trade to get Lindros and nearly won a Stanley Cup in 1997. He went on to say, "The little baby would rather kill another helpless human being and use it as excuse to not be in the same building as me."

Along with Clarke, the fans seem to be extremely upset by Lindros' refusal to attend. Bart Larame of Springfield states, "I just pulled two perfectly good pieces of duct tape off his name on the back of my jersey. Now I have to cover it up all over again. What a waste." The number 88 suffered various injuries and numerous concussions of the head while a Flyer, with his last game ending after a devastating check-hit from Devils' nemesis, Scott Stevens, in the 99-00 conference finals.

The Flyers vs. Carolina exhibition game and captain ceremony is Sept. 27th at 1 pm. The Spectrum will be demolished at the completion of the Phantoms AHL Hockey season.

Pete Rose Reinstated By MLB, Playing Under Various Phillies Aliases

2008-09-03T15:20:00.006-04:00

During last night's Phillies/Nationals game, Philadelphia second baseman Chase Utley, who was at third base, took off for home when Washington pitcher John Lannan attempted a pick off at first base. Utley was tagged out at home, but not before sending Nationals catcher Jesus Flores to the hospital with a sprained ankle. Now, in a photo of the play obtained by The Phunyun, it appears the player racing home was not Utley, but former Phillie Pete Rose.

Last night marked the third time this season a Phillies player attempted to take out an opposing team's catcher. Earlier this season Eric Bruntlet gave Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina a concussion and in July, Shane Victorino ran over Braves catcher Brian McCann. But an investigation by The Phunyun shows these plays, and the Utley play last evening, were actually the work of Pete Rose, who in 1989 was banned from baseball.

Sources from within Major League Baseball confirm that a plan was devised in May to allow Rose to return to the game, first by assuming the role of other players. The MLB hired famed Hollywood make-up artist Terri Simon to make Rose look like a number of Phillies players throughout the season. Each of the plays in question are eerily similar to the infamous "Ray Fosse incident" Rose was involved in in 1970.

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel refused to confirm that Rose was playing for his team, but he did say, "Pete Rose ain't never worn no lipstick or rouge, I'll tell ya that."

Spokespeople for the Braves, Cardinals and Nationals each said they are considering disputing the games in which Rose was involved.

Mendte to Receive Pardon from President Bush

2008-09-02T10:42:00.008-04:00

Beleagured former KYW-Tv Newscaster Larry Mendte pleaded guilty in court Friday to charges that he illegally hacked into the email account of his co-anchor, Alycia Lane. Sources close to the Phunyun believe that if sentenced to a prison term, Mendte will be pardoned by President George W. Bush. These rumors have spurred on rampant speculation that Mendte has given up the news in order to pursue a career in internet surveillance, gaining intelligence to fight the war on terror.

Alabaster Le'Creme, Public Affairs officer for the Women's U.S. Gymnastics squad, believes that the anonymous hacker who exposed the Chinese ruse involving the use of underage gymnists to win the gold in these 2008 Summer Olympics was none other than Larry Mendte. He states, "The man has had a ton of time on his hands recently, and he obviously has a gift. So many people are looking at this thing from the wrong angle."

Family and friends of Mendte blame his recent troubles on the film, Swordfish, starring Hugh Jackman as a hacker who must use his web talent to get back his daughter. The former host of prime-time CBS 3 news received the movie as a gift this past Christmas. Mendte faces a possible 5 years in prison.

For Philadelphia Residents, "The Shore" May Not Be So Far Away

2008-08-26T14:37:00.005-04:00

With rising gas prices, more Philadelphia area residents have chosen to stay closer to the area for their vacations. In an effort to please some of these "stay-cationers" and hopefully take some tourism dollars from the Jersey shore, Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter has commissioned Japanese construction firm Icanhaz Properties to build five artificial islands off the coast of Penn's Landing, three of which has already been completed.

Nutter said the idea for the islands came from the artificial islands built off the coast of Dubai in the shapes of palm trees and the Earth, but also because it has become so difficult to build anything on the Penn's Landing site.

"We are really doing something that we haven't seen anywhere else in this country, and we're using the beautiful Delaware River to our advantage," said Nutter. "We might not be able to provide our citizens with Wi-Fi, but we can sure as hell get them some islands."

The building of the islands has been no small task with over 600 million cubic feet of stone, rock and sand used to construct the three completed islands. Nutter said the material for the build has come from a number of different places.

"We did a little bit of dredging, that's where the bulk of the material came from," said Nutter. "But we had a ton of dirt left over from the Disney hole and the convention center expansion, so why not just dump it in the Delaware."

The islands completed are in the shape of iconic Philadelphia images and will eventually hold hotels and shopping venues for visitors. The first island to be completed was in the shape of the Rocky statue and has been named "Yo Island," followed by "Crack Island" in the shape of the Liberty Bell and "Pat's Steak Island" which was funded in part by the famous cheesesteak shop.

Nutter said all five islands should be completed by Memorial Day 2009, the traditional start of the summer season. Bookings for private islands and hotels are being handled at www.phillyshore.com.

WYSP Changes Formats, Attracting Much Sought-After "White Trash" Demographic

2008-08-26T11:45:00.008-04:00

Radio listeners were in for some changes yesterday morning when they turned their dials to WYSP (94.1 FM) and heard bands like Foghat and The Scorpions on their way into work. The change of formats, to what YSP is calling "The Rock You Grew Up With," targets the much sought-after "white trash" market.

WYSP, which is owned by CBS Radio, believes their format change will strike a blow to similarly formatted stations in the Philadelphia area, and seems to be setting their sights on long-time owner of the white-trash radio population, WMMR (93.3 FM).

"We're going to rip the heart out of WMMR," said YSP operations manager Andy Bloom. "If you've got a 1977 El Camino with the transmission ripped out on your front lawn, if you wear shorts in the winter to show off your sweet calf tattoo, if you have a tv sitting on top of your tv ... you might be a YSP listener."

Local residents had mixed reactions to the format change. Mike Belkin of Linwood, Delaware County, said the change is just what he's been looking for.

"Finally there's a place where I can hear Lynyrd Skynrd, Def Leppard and Metallica without changing stations," said Belkin. "My girlfriend's going to love it too. So will my ex-wife, and mothers of my five kids.

But local hipster Stephan Idaips said this is just more of the same from Philadelphia radio.

"Once again there's nowhere for me to listen to the music I want to hear," said Idaips. "Where am I going to hear The Creaky Boards, or VCR-legs or Wolfman Weekday? You don't even know what I'm talking about, do you?"

The Phunyun archives show this latest format change is the 89th change for the WYSP in the last decade.

Obama's Pick of Biden for Veep Teaches Country Delaware Actually a Real State

2008-08-24T23:09:00.007-04:00

At 3 a.m. Saturday, Barack Obama's campaign team sent out a text message and e-mail announcing his choice of Joseph Biden for his running mate for the 2008 Presidential run. While the move was hailed by many for Biden's experience in foreign matters, it seems the choice also served to point out to America that Delaware is in fact an actual state.

In picking the 35-year senator as his running mate, Obama's campaign immediately gained political experience, one of the main knocks on the first-term Illinois senator. But many Democratic insiders are pointing out that the choice also moved the state of Delaware into the spotlight, giving it legitimacy as an "actual state."

"I would go to conventions or talk to folks when I was on vacation an tell them I was from Delaware and people would just laugh," said Marlon Brown, head of the Delaware Democratic Party. "Now I think people will stop doing that little scene from Wayne's World, saying 'We're in Delaware' ... all sarcastic like."

With little going for the state other than it's distinction as the "First State," many in Delaware are hoping Biden, and the potential of having him in the White House, might be a boon for the state. Longtime Delaware resident Delbert Bard said the possibility of having a Vice President of the United States from Delaware marks one of the most exciting things to happen in the state in years.

"This is probably the biggest thing to happen to Delaware since DuPont discovered Teflon in 1938," said Bard. "Either that or when we had that public flogging back in 1952. Tell you what, you bring back some public whippings and ...."

Senator Biden is scheduled to speak at the Democratic National Convention in Denver on Wednesday night.

Philadelphia Zoo Unveils Newest Attraction: Walrus Imitates Andy Reid!

2008-08-22T09:14:00.007-04:00

(photo via Scoop Ketchems, AP)

Just in time for the start of the 2008-09 football season, the Philadelphia Zoo plans to unveil it's newest attraction, an Andy Reid impersonating walrus. Now before you go calling the SPCA, you must realize that this is not your ordinary case of animal exploitation. One day, a zoo patron wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hat got too close to the edge of one of the aquatic tanks. A gust of wind lifted the cap off the upset zoo-goer and dropped it down into the water. The inhabitant of the tank, a walrus who the employees now call "Big Red" swam up and under that hat and has been wearing it ever since.

Albert Robards, head custodial engineer of the aquatic mammal division at the zoo states, "He absolutely loves the attention. At first we just joked that he looked like Coach Reid in the hat, but he completely embraced the roll." Apparently, many of the zoo-workers gather round a television on Sundays and watch the game, and now they have a rather unlikely guest. "We've taught him to do the throat clear, and we had an outside clothier create the huge black jacket and phony head-set."

And for the grand finale? "At the end of the game, he slides up on the land platform in his tank and gets behind a make shift podium with a microphone." After weeks of training and practice, the walrus has learned how to bark out something that slightly resembles Coach Reid's signature catch phrase: The time is yours.

If you were wondering where the similarities between Reid and his long tusked counterpart end, look no further than their records in the big game. Cynthia Altair, head of public relations states, "We started this promotional contest across the U.S. called the Zoo-per Bowl, where select groups of animals from major cities compete for a trophy. This year, B.R. coached his team of trained seals to a victory over some animals from the Franklin Park zoo in New England."

When I reminded Ms. Altair that Andy Reid had in fact won a Super Bowl ring, she was quick to correct me. "He wasn't the head coach on that one. Plus, it wasn't in Philly... and as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters."

BREAKING: Among Ads For Transvestite Sex & Condos, Philadelphia Weekly Has 17 Pages Of Content

2008-08-21T20:34:00.006-04:00

In a move that may mark a change in the Philadelphia alternative-weekly scene, Philadelphia Weekly, one of the two alt-weekly newspapers distributed in the Philadelphia area, set a record with their latest issue by placing 17 pages of original content in the 88 page paper.

PW editor Tim Whitaker says the 19 percent of original content in their latest issue is simply a one-time error, and does not mark a change in editorial style for the publication.

"We try to really keep the original content down to about 10 to 15 percent for each issue, but we had a couple of problems this week with our sex ... I mean 'adult' ads not making it by deadline," said Whitaker. "I really want to apologize to anyone who was looking for more 'T/S,' 'entertainment' or 'massage' ads."

Brian Howard, editor-in-chief of the Philadelphia City Paper said he's taking PW's move as an act of war.

"There has really always been an unwritten rule in this city that you filled your paper with ads for bars, and adult phone lines, and Asian massage parlors and maybe one or two feature stories that ran three pages," said Howard. "But to have your paper with 19 percent original content, that's absurd, they've really thrown down the gauntlet."

However local readers didn't seem to notice much of a difference in the additional content of Philadelphia Weekly. 16-year-old Josh Mayo said he doesn't even pick up PW to read any of the ads.

"Me and my sister have to share a computer, so it's kinda hard for me to get spank material," he said. "So, usually I just take the adult section in the bathroom and have at it, so I don't care about articles and stuff.

U.S./Russia/Georgia Conflict Prompts Video Rentals of Rocky IV to Jump 200%

2008-08-21T15:48:00.007-04:00

Gathered consumer data from both NetFlix and Blockbuster Online Video Rental outlets shows the rental of the 1985 Cold War classic, Rocky IV, has increased almost 200% in light of recent world developments. The movie depicts fictitious Philadelphia boxer, Rocky Balboa's attempt to avenge the death of his former opponent and current best friend, Apollo Creed, at the hands of an unbeatable Russian boxer, Ivan Drago. The fourth and most financially successful Rocky film is currently at the top of over 87% of the queues of Netflix users.

Brian O'Brien, night manager of West Coast Video on South 15th St. in Center City believes that the increase has much to do with the U.S.'s recent stand on the Russian invasion of Georgia. "Aside from the Nazis who no longer exist, there's no greater villain for the American public than the Russians." After being bitter rivals during the Cold War, animosity between Russia and the U.S. plateaued over the last decade. Recently, Hollywood has begun to rekindle the flame with well known American heroes like Indiana Jones taking on the dreaded "Red Army" in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

O'Brien also believes that healthy Olympic competition (NBC 8pm) has helped spur the Rocky IV revival across most of the country. What about locally, particularly focusing on the Eastern half of Pennsylvania, we ask? "Everyone already owns it," states the precocious WCV employee. "If they don't have it on DVD, they have it on VHS. If they don't have it on VHS, they'll watch it on cable. They've got the toys, the soundtracks, the bed sheets, and a statue out in front of the art museum."

Councilmen Hope To Ban "Talking," Everything Else, In Cars

2008-08-20T15:24:00.005-04:00

If two City Council members have their way, motorists in Philadelphia will have to drastically change their habits in their cars as they will be prohibited from doing anything that isn't strictly "driving related" such as talking, changing the radio station or adjusting the temperature in the car.

Philadelphia City Council members Bill Orange and Bill Orangechen are drafting a bill that would ban all non-driving related activities in cars traveling in the Philadelphia city limits. The councilmen expect to introduce the bill when City Council returns from summer break on Sept. 18.

Although the final draft of the bill is not yet available, The Phunyun was able to obtain an early form of the bill. While the bill initially started as a ban of hand-held cell phones, texting and Web surfing, it has since grown to include activities like "talking," "regulating radio functions," "adjusting temperature controls" and "using navigation devices." Councilman Orange said the bill is a step to increase the driving safety in the city.

"You hear a lot about the people getting in accidents because they're talking on the phone, but what about the people who are just talking to a passenger, or changing the station or turning on the air conditioning," said Orange. "Look, we're not saying you can't listen to the radio, just pick a station before you remove your car from park."

Word of the new bill has angered many motorists in the area who say the expectations are just too large. Steven Jenkins, who lives in Montgomery County but commutes to Philadelphia during the week says if the bill is enacted, he will ignore it.

"There's no way I'm following that law, there's just no way," said Jenkins. "Say I'm listing to 610 [WIP-AM] on my way out of the city and it's like 2:59 and I forget Eskin comes on at 3. You're telling me I have to sit through that [crap] for my hour ride home?"

If the bill passes through council, it would take effect January 1, 2009.

BREAKING NEWS: Tell All Book says, "Merrill Reese is a Hand-Puppet."

2008-08-18T23:06:00.018-04:00

A newly published book that focuses on exposing the secrets of local sportscasters has hit national store shelves. Play by Play: Philly Commentators Exposed is a blistering literary attack on some of the most famous Philadelphia sports personalities, including the Eagles' own Merrill Reese. According to author Tabor Jansens, Reese is in fact a hand puppet in one of the world's most sophisticated ventriloquist acts, operated by none other than partner and five time Pro-Bowl receiver, Mike Quick.

Tabor goes on to say that shortly after leaving the game, Quick honed his puppetry skills in a Vaudevillian review somewhere in the Italian Market. It was here that he ran into a young Jim Henson who was test screening his own puppets in a new show called Sesame Street. The two collaborated to create the first iteration of Reese, consisting of a large crew sock, black marker, and glue-on "googily eyes." Over the years, the Jim Henson Creature Shop has implemented advancements in technology to make a more realistic puppet that Quick can use in personal appearances and television broadcasts.

For more secrets involving other notable Philly sportscasters, click after the jump.

More...

• Mark Zumoff from the Sixers is actually blind.

• Jim Jackson of the Flyers telecast, cannot wear pants. He has a medical condition involving sensitive skin that can result in extreme chaffing when coming in contact with fabrics. Whenever the case calls for Jackson to appear on television, he is shot from the waste down, or the pants are added in post production using CGI.

• Hall of Fame Phillies play by play announcer, Harry Kalas, gargles horse semen before every broadcast. While his face and body make him look like he's 100 years old, the concoction which is derived from champion race horses by fertility scientists, helps to keep his vocal chords and world famous delivery of "Outta here..." healthy and young. The book does not confirm if Kalas swallows.

Play by Play: Philly Commentators Exposed by Tabor Jansens retails for $19.99 and is available exclusively at Borders.

Citing Success of Pollution-ridden Beijing, Marcus Hook Awarded 2012 Summer Games

2008-08-18T12:02:00.014-04:00

The International Olympic Committee entered the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, China with much trepidation because of the concerns over pollution and smog that might effect the views of the games and potentially effect the health of the athletes. But the success of the XXIX Olympiad has caused the IOC to rethink the future venues of the summer games and in a surprising move announced the decision to change the 2012 games from its original host city of London, to the Philadelphia suburb of Marcus Hook.

IOC President Jacques Rogge said the decision to move the 2012 games to Marcus Hook was based mostly on the television ratings for the Beijing games.

"The American audience is tuning in in droves on NBC and over half of the UK population watched the opening ceremonies," said Rogge. "And we think a lot of that has to do with the pollution and people's interest in how that would effect the games."

The change of venues by the IOC is stunning for a number of reasons. First, with only about 2,000 residents, Marcus Hook is not even a city and does not have the infrastructure at the moment to host the games. But maybe most surprising is Marcus Hook did not even inquire about hosting the games. Mayor George McClure said he is as surprised as any to hear that his borough will be at the center of the world's attention in just four years.

"I got the phone call late Friday night that they were interested in moving the games here and I said to the guy, 'I think you got the wrong number,'" said McClure. "But they really wanted to have the Summer Olympics here. Not sure where the hell we're going to put everything though."

While the new soccer stadium planned for the nearby city of Chester may help with the number of venues needed for the borough, McClure says figuring out where to hold many of the events is going to be a problem.

"I'm thinking for the swimming stuff we can just have 'em do laps in the Delaware [River]," he said. "I'm gonna have someone buy some of those noodles you have in the pool and we'll just string 'em together and there's your lanes. Hopefully there's no leaks from the refinery or something. Ha! Try swimming in that Phelps."

Michael Phelps Calls Americans 'Front Runners' For Only Following Swimming Every Four Years

2008-08-14T18:27:00.014-04:00

In an interview with muckraking sports program Best Damn Sports Show Period, Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps called Americans "front runners" for only following Olympic sports every four years.

On Thursday night's episode of the FOX Sports show Phelps, who has won five gold medals and set five world records at this year's Summer Games, told the hosts he felt, for some reason, the United States public only seems to support swimming every four years when athletes from all over the world gather in one place to compete in their respective sports.

"There are times, ya know it's like, one of those countries they, ya know ... I might catch some flak for this - they're front-runners," said Phelps "When you're doing good, they're on your side. When you're doing bad they're completely against you."

Phelps compared his situation with that of the the swimmer who came in behind him, winning the silver medal in the 200m butterfly and 400m individual medley in this year's games.

"For example, Laszlo [Cseh]'s from Hungary. Ya know, Hungary, it seems like, they support their team. They're out there ... and they're encouraging. In The U.S., you can't be no punk," he said.

Phelps' remarks have set off a firestorm among sports fans in the U.S. who argue that the Olympics only happen every four years and wouldn't know how to follow the sports beyond that time frame even if they wanted to.

However, some sports figures in the United States have stood behind Phelps' remarks. Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins said Phelps was completely right about front running fans.

"If he lived in Philly he'd really see how bad it was," said Rollins. "Try swimming laps with guys chanting E-A-G-L-E-S the entire time."

Rollins' teammate Ryan Howard responded by saying, "Uhhhhh ...."

Consumer Product Recall

2008-08-14T16:50:00.005-04:00

The Great Atlantic & Pacific Tea Co. has issued a massive recall of 3 products for the city of Philadelphia, focusing on purchases made at local Super Fresh and Acme stores within the past 24 hours. The products are as follows:

Topps Ground Beef Patties (10oz) - serial #18897-3845 and product code 177.
JonJon's Scrapple (17.5 oz) serial #18845-2333 and product code 888.
Nathan's Footlong Hot Dogs (24oz) - serial #18898-3846 and product code 132.

No specific reason has been given for the recall and customers are asked to return the products to their place of purchase for a full refund.

Break-in Turned Suicide Baffles Local Authorities

2008-08-14T16:19:00.005-04:00

What was once labeled a routine breaking and entering by Philadelphia Police is now being called an apparent suicide. Authorities responded to a 911 call reporting a break-in at the Topps Meat Co. packing plant in South Philadelphia, finding a large hole in the roof above most of the machinery. The only problem with the theory of the plant being burglarized: there was nothing missing.

Officer Tan Chu was on duty at the scene and stated, "Aside from the hole and the discovery of a size 11 hi-top Nike sneaker, we found nothing to determine that this was a break-in." Shortly after interviewing the officer, we noted a distraught woman talking with police about another unrelated matter. Or so we thought.

"I returned home from my late shift and found this letter by an open window," stated Lynn Goleg, a nurse who lives in the LongView apartments next door to the packing plant. Police believe her son, Arthur, wrote a suicide letter shortly before stepping out the window of their apartment on the 16th floor, falling to his death. Arthur wears size 11 Nike hi-tops.

What's baffling about this particular case is that no one can seem to find Arthur's body. "There's tons of vats of meat, pipes, machinery with blades and plastic wrap for us to go through," adds Chu. The morning cleaning crew discovered the hole in the ceiling before making the call, and the plant is self automated. This leaves an open window of 6 hours between the suicide and the discovery of the hole. Head foreman, Stu Benson says, "The plant runs on its own and the only human interaction overnight is the meat being loaded by hand into tractor trailers and shipped out."

If you have any information as to the whereabouts of Arthur Goleg, please contact local authorities.

Radiohead Shares Meaning of Life with Camden Crowd

2008-08-13T10:28:00.007-04:00

Radiohead, who played a sold out concert at the Susquehanna Bank Center last night in Camden, is not Led Zeppellin, the Rolling Stones, or the Beatles... so just shut up. Their lead singer, Thom Yorke, has something wrong with his eye. Their setlist consisted mostly of songs from their "pay what you want" album In Rainbows, with a sprinkle of previous albums here and there. And while I was taking a piss, they supposedly shared the meaning of life with the couple thousand fans in attendance.

I had just returned from the bathroom and was standing in line, waiting for a Michelob Ultra, when I noticed everyone in the crowd was hugging and crying, but in a happy way. Even the dweeb at the beer-hut wasn't paying attention to the twenty I held out to him. It was like the ending of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, where everyone at the top of the mountain was touched by some sort of experience that no one else would ever understand, unless they had been there.

I grabbed a kid wearing a Manic Street Preachers T-shirt and demanded he tell me what the band said, but he couldn't describe it. Apparently, Yorke began speaking in tongues, sharing information in the form of clicks and pops, like some sort of African dialect, but everyone could still understand him. While he was doing this, the rest of the band made hand symbols and stood in varying body formations, turning these little flash lights on and off.

They then climbed into a flying boat made of tinfoil and headed back across the river to Philadelphia. I didn't get to hear Grizzly Bear, the opening band from Brooklyn, because I was huffing a nitrous balloon in the parking lot and getting a hummer. For a song by song recap of the show, click after the jump.

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01. 15 Step - Opening song from In Rainbows and the closest thing to rock this band played
02. There There - This one needs a little less big drum and a little more cowbell
03. Morning Bell - wtf???
04. All I Need - I could bang to that.
05. The National Anthem - That's not our national anthem.
06. Videotape - How do you groove to something like this? This is a concert... right?
07. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi - Beatles cover, I think.
08. The Gloaming - Something is wrong with their instruments. They sound fuzzy.
09. Where I End And You Begin - *yawn*
10. Faust Arp - I really hate playful banter between the band. See: Van Halen
11. No Surprises - *fell asleep*
12. Jigsaw - This band is a rock-tease.
13. The Bends - I heard this on Y100 once.
14. Idioteque - Yorke dances wildly, like that guy from the Mighty Might Bosstones, on crack.
15. Climbing Up The Walls - brb.
16. Nude - ...
17. Bodysnatchers - Thank God that's over.

Encore 1
18. House of Cards - Shit!
19. Lucky
20. Go Slowly - Was this a slow song? I couldn't tell. No wait, there are my parents dancing to it over there... nevermind.
21. Just - let there be one more song.
22. Street Spirit - I heard this on WMMR once.

Encore 2
23. Reckoner - Fuck!
24. Planet Telex - This is Where I go to the bathroom.
25. Everything In Its Right Place

Local Scientist Discovers/Isolates "Wooder" Gland

2008-08-11T22:16:00.007-04:00

A local scientist has documented an undiscovered gland specific to mouths of persons living in and around the Philadelphia area. This extra growth can be found in the back of the throat and is shown to be the key contributing factor in their mis-pronunciation of the word "water."

Sheena E. Stone, head of Otolaryngology research at DuPont in Delaware states, "It is a rather amazing discovery for the medical field and a huge piece of evidence promoting the theory of evolution." The gathering of tissue at the base of the tongue, near the trachea shortens the extension of the tongue making the flick of the customary "wat" in water, sound more a like a "wood."

The discovery was made while applying a new form of lip gloss developed by cosmetics giant Bausch and Lomb on test subjects from the Tri-State area. An allergic reaction occurred on all the participants except for those from Philadelphia. Scientists have since performed further testing and discovered that the gland acts as a defense booster for the immune system, counter-attacking toxins that can be found in everyday items, such as buffalo wing sauce, the glue in plain white sneakers, and the metallic coating in fake gold jewelry.

Following Success of Juan Samuel Night, Phils Announce Plan to Honor Steve Jeltz, Others

2008-08-11T18:43:00.004-04:00

Friday night the Phillies welcomed the 30th player into their Wall of Fame when Juan Samuel joined the likes of Mike Schmidt, Steve Carlton and Tony Taylor in having his likelihood enshrined in Citizen Bank Park's centerfield. The success of the night has caused the team to rethink their previous initiative of honoring great Phillies players and instead intend on canonizing mediocre to poor players starting with Steve Jeltz in 2009.

John Brazer, publicity director for the Phillies, said the team was shocked by the public support given to Samuel on Friday night and said the decision to honor Jeltz stems from what he called Philadelphia's "love of losers."

"If you had told me a year ago that almost 44,000 people would show up to honor Juan Samuel I would have told you you were nuts," said Brazer. "But that's what happened. And you can say it was because it was a Friday night, or because the team's in first place, but the truth is 44,000 people came out to honor a mediocre second baseman and we feel they'll come out to support Steve Jeltz, who quite frankly was a pretty bad shortstop."

While players with the pedigree of Jeltz and Samuel would be out of place on many teams' Walls of Fame, it seems appropriate for the Phillies who have already honored Tony Taylor, a career .261 hitter, and Willie "Puddin' Head" Jones who hit 180 home runs in 12 seasons with the Phils. With that in mind, and following the success of Juan Samuel night, the Phillies have their honorees picked for the next few years. According to Brazer, here are the upcoming players selected to the Wall of Fame:

2009 Steve Jeltz - Jeltz holds the records for most games played, at bats, runs, hits, doubles, triples, runs batted in, walks and strikeouts ... for players born in France.
2010 Bruce Ruffin - Ruffin was a second round draft pick for the Phillies in 1985 and finished seventh in 1986's Rookie of the Year voting. He was also 42-58 with a 4.02 ERA in six seasons with the Phillies.
2011 Kevin Stocker - Stocker's first game for the Phillies was the infamous 20-inning game against the Dodgers in 1993. He finished with a career .261 average with the Phillies and was traded for Bobby Abreu in 1998.
2012 Charlie "I'm not Von" Hayes - In two stints with the Phillies, Hayes batted .256 and committed 71 errors. In a defining moment in 1990, Hayes broke up Phillies' teammate Terry Mulholland's perfect game against the Giants with a throwing error.
2013 Wes Chamberlain - At 6'2" 210lbs Chamberlain looked to be the next great home run hitter for the Phillies. In parts of five years with the team he batted .260 and belted 38 home runs.

Camden Mayor Says City About To Turn Corner ... No Seriously This Time

2008-08-07T23:26:00.007-04:00

At a press conference outside of the historic RCA Building, which has been undergoing renovations for over five years, Camden, New Jersey Mayor Gwendolyn Faison said the city is about to turn the corner and eventually return its the glory days of the early 20th Century. Repeatedly during the press conference Faison asked reporters to hold down their laughter saying, "No, I'm serious."

For dozens of years the "Camden Turnaround" has been bandied about by lawmakers and business people on both sides of the Delaware River, but Faison said some recent developments have her believing the city is on the upswing.

"I'm sure you all saw the reports recently coming out of this city, and this really tells me things are changing for the better," said Faison. "We had a 44 pound cat walking the streets of Camden, now if you've got a 44 pound cat, things are good."

But Faison was quick to point out that changes are necessary if the city is to reach the front page of the paper for things other than obese felines and crime.

"The truth is we need to get more white people around here, but they're all too scared," she said. "There's more to Camden than an unaffiliated minor league baseball team or an aquarium or an amphitheater for a bunch of white folks to see Journey and Cheap Trick. OK, there's not much more, but there's more."

When asked what about future plans to draw more residents and tourists to the city, Faison said her office intends on drawing on help from what she called "our friends across the river, particularly Mayor Nutter."

Asked for comment on if and how his office planned on helping Camden and Faison, Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter responded by saying "Where? Oh the place with the Excitement Aquarium or whatever? Yea sure, tell her to call my people."

Marine Returns From Iraq, Immediately Returns to Iraq

2008-08-07T22:52:00.007-04:00

The Iraq War began on March 20, 2003 and has lead to 4,134 U.S. casualties. There are daily kidnappings, bombings, and bloodshed on every corner. But don't tell that to U.S. Marine Donald Ginslow. He recently completed his third tour of duty in the Middle East and returned to his West Philadelphia home for some "R&R". Five days later, the house went up for sale.

He states, "You have grandmothers carrying handguns, people dying every night. There's crazies walking the streets, coming for your children. And if SEPTA raises their rates one more time, I swear I'll..."

As the 2008 election quickly approaches, and talks lead to the eventual return of all U.S. Troops, Ginslow can't wait to get back overseas. He recently put a downpayment on a two story home near the outskirts of Fallujah, with a scenic view of a local bridge that spans the Euphrates.

"Honestly, Iraq was huge mistake and the area is a complete mess, but its nothing like living in West Philadelphia. You can't find a damn trash can anywhere, and everything smells like poopie."

Local Blogger Wears Anti-Smog Mask To Cover Olympics, Face

2008-08-06T15:25:00.019-04:00

As athletes from around the globe descend on Beijing, China for the 2008 Olympics, the concern for many is the air quality in a country who's air pollution has been on the rise as it quickly industrializes. But the athletes are not the only ones anxious over the thick smog and how it might hinder their performance. One local blogger has taken to donning a respiratory mask to lessen the pollution's effect as he types away at his laptop.

Enrico Campitelli Jr., who founded the Philadelphia sports blog The 700 Level in 2003, is in Beijing to cover the 2008 Summer Games and said he's worried the poor air quality might have a negative effect on his writing style.

"I don't want people who read my work to look at this stuff from China and say, "What the hell happened?" said Campitelli. "So, hopefully this mask allows me to keep using words like 'schadenfreude' liberally.

Earlier this week four American cyclists caused controversy when they arrived at the Beijing airport wearing masks covering their noses and mouths. The group has since apologized, but Campitelli says there hasn't been any uproar with his mask wearing.

"I haven't had anyone complain about this yet, although I've been wearing this Chase Utley shirt a lot and that gets some reaction," said Campitelli. "They don't really boo in this country because ... well you know. 'Boos mean bullets' I think is the saying they have.

Campitelli says the 12 hour time zone difference will probably effect his ability to follow some of the Philadelphia sports, including the Eagles' first pre-season game this Sunday.

"It'll be 7:30 on Monday morning here, so let's see, yeah I'll be getting ready to go see either Men's Archery or the Women's Individual Foil," he said. "So yeah, I'm pretty excited."

Coverage of the opening ceremony for the games begins Friday at 7:30 on NBC. Unfortunately for the local NBC affiliate the Phillies will be taking on those dreaded Pittsburgh ~~Steelers~~ ~~Penguins~~ Pirates at the same time. More importantly the team will be honoring Juan Samuel by inducting him into their Wall of Fame before the game and handing out commemorative posters for the occasion. And you know how popular Juan Samuel is. Sorry Olympic games.

Hello From Lehigh: Eagles Training Camp Day 10

2008-08-05T20:57:00.009-04:00

The players (and this particular writer) cheered a collective, "Yay" before the start of training Eagles camp practice drills at Lehigh University, after the morning session was canceled due to a water main break. Eagles backing up quarterback, Kevin Kolb, used this extra time to sleep in. I used the break in the football playing to visit the main campus book store. The traffic was light due to many students being away on summer break and one employee stated that the majority of players cannot read.

I picked up the newest Giada De Laurentiis pasta cook book and headed to the checkout counter when something caught my eye. Local artist Martin Slamon has published a new illustrated book from Scholastic entitled "Where' Shawn Andrews Now?"

Readers must search for Shawn as he hides among thousands of people in various Philadelphia locales, including the Italian Market and Rittenhouse Square. Also hidden throughout the book are various items the number 73 is known to carry: like his cell phone, a ham sandwich, and a snake necklace he left at one of his girlfriends houses.

Andrews, an all-star offensive lineman, who's job it is to protect the number 5 from being placed on the ground by an opposing player, has been missing from Eagles practice training meeting football camp for unknown reasons.

"Where' Shawn Andrews Now?" can be purchased through digidigidigi via PayPal.

Tight Ends: Rookie safety Quintin Demps joined cornerbacks Lito Sheppard and Asante Samuel on the Injury Hurting list... Brian Dawkins handed out FREE Touchdown Sundaes from Turkey Hill and he scared me... Andy Reid's mustache is red with little bits of gold in it.

Tensions Escalate Within Philadelphia Blogosphere

2008-08-04T12:11:00.007-04:00

In a press conference earlier today, Philadelphia District Attorney Lynne Abraham said the Philadelphia Police Department will be creating a Blog Crime Task Force after recent threats were made in what Abraham is calling "the Philadelphia blogosphere."

"Without going into specifics we were tipped off to a threat made from one blog to another and we're going to try to cut this off before it escalates further," said Abraham. "We're taking this very seriously, because we know people who sit behind computers all day can be very unstable."

Abraham said it became apparent measures needed to be taken when a blogger for website The Fightins, who goes by the name "Chamomiles Davis," commented on the fantastic up-and-coming website The Phunyun by saying, "Good site over here, boys. Be a shame if anything was to... 'happen' to it."

Scooter Delano Murphy, sportswriter for The Phunyun said he was very intimidated by the comment. "I'm 82 years old and I don't even know what a blob or a blobosphere is," he said. "But I tell you what, I'll knock that guy's dick in the dirt, and I'm 82 years old."

Abraham said the new task force will focus on sites like Phillyist, Philebrity and The 700 Level, but police will also be monitoring lesser known blogs.

"It's like everyday there's a new one that pops up, who's reading this stuff?" asked Abraham. "Next thing you know they'll have a blog that just completely makes up stories. That'll be the day."

LOLcat Becomes Required Learning in Philly School District

2008-08-04T10:36:00.008-04:00

In a stunning decision made late Friday evening, the Philadelphia School District voted 6 to 4 in favor of a new policy that requires 75 % of all Philadelphia public schools make LOLcat a requirement of their current curriculum. Superintendent of schools, Dr. Arlene C. Ackerman made the official announcement of the new movement within the school district and plans are now in place to make LOLcat mandatory in all Philadelphia schools by the Fall of 2010. She stated, "With the progression of technology in today's world of schooling, we have all come to the agreement that communication has to become faster and more modern in order to keep up."

Before the implementation of this new policy, students were required to select Spanish, French, German, or Italian as an elective in order to graduate. Philip K. Spectrum, a 10th grader at Central High states, "I CAN HAZ no choice? MAH father DO WANT me to learn Spanish. But TEH SCHOOLZ says that's MAH problem."

Along with regular courses in LOLcat, students in Track 1 or an advanced placement levels are also offered lessons in LOLrus, with a intense focus on discovery of "bucket." These particular courses count towards legitimate college credit at select schools within the Philadelphia region.

Following Flyers Lead, Phillies To Play Game At Former Vet Stadium Site

2008-08-01T13:24:00.006-04:00

Earlier this week it was reported the Philadelphia Flyers would play a preseason game in the Spectrum as a final goodbye to the building they called home for 29 years. Not to be outdone the Philadelphia Philles have announced plans to play a game at the former site of Veterans Stadium which is now a parking lot.

Comcast-Spectacor plans to demolish the Spectrum sometime in 2009 to make room for Philly Live!, a retail, dining and entertainment district but will host one final NHL game on September 27 when the Flyers take on the Carolina Hurricanes. When John Brazer, publicity director for the Phillies, heard of the Flyers plan, he quickly made arraingments for the Phillies to do something similar.

"People had mixed feelings about the Vet at the time of the demolition, but sentiment has changed now that we're four years removed," said Brazer. "So, I think people would like to see us play a game at the Vet again."

The problem with Brazer's plan is the Vet was demolished in 2004 and the site is now home to a parking lot for the South Philadelphia stadium complex. Brazer says he's unphased by the lack of a stadium or even a playing surface.

"If you were ever on the turf at the Vet then you know it was pretty much the same as playing on concrete, so it's not going to be an issue," Brazer said.

The news of the return to the former site of the Vet was news to most Phillies players last night after they wrapped up a 3-game sweep of the Washington Nationals. Shortstop Jimmy Rollins was not excited about the idea.

"Playing in the parking lot? That's some bullshit right there," said Rollins.

But centerfielder Shane Victorino says he's ready to take on any opponent on the concrete.

"Oh, no questions asked," he said. "We'll kick some asphalt! Ha! Get it? Ass ... phalt. Genius!"

Philadelphia Soul Celebrates Championship With A Group Of Persons, Vehicles, Or Objects Moving Along In An Orderly, Formal Manner

2008-07-31T17:02:00.005-04:00

Philadelphia has not seen a championship parade since the 76ers won the NBA title in 1983. But after the Philadelphia Soul captured the Arena League Championship at Arena Bowl XXII it was assumed by many the city would once again have a ticker-tape parade down Broad Street. Yea, not so much.

In lieu of a "parade," the team instead had a "procession" from 6th and Market to Dilworth Plaza at 16th St. and JFK Boulevard and proclaimed today Philadelphia Soul Day. The events were lost on many Philadelphia residents who witnessed the ~~parade~~ procession as they walked down Market Street.

"I don't even know what a Philadelphia Soul is," said Sharif Taylor of Mount Airy, on his way to Suburban Station. "Philadelphia Soul Day? I don't know about that, it's just Thursday for me."

Turnout along the ~~parade~~ procession route was sparse although some Soul faithful did show up for the ~~parade's~~ procession's end at Dilworth Plaza. Margaret Collins has been following the Soul since they began play in 2004 and said there was no way she would miss this event.

"I don't know a thing about football, who cares really, but I've been Jon Bon Jovi's biggest fan since 1982," she said. "He even signed my breast, look I got it tattooed."

Although it was rumored Bon Jovi would perform at today's event, the co-owner of the team did not give the tens of people in attendance a concert. Other things that did not happen include people caring and people saying "this is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me."

Uarts Students Ask, "What is Love?"

2008-07-31T11:46:00.005-04:00

The Love Park sculpture designed by artist Robert Indiana was first placed in the plaza near City Hall in 1976 as part of the Bicentennial celebration. Aside from being temporarily removed in 1978 and then permanently placed back at the site, the sculpture has gone virtually undisturbed. Until now that is.

Students from the University of the Arts in Center City, under the tutelage of Multimedia Director Chris Garvin, have created an installation within the base of the world famous sculpture. Their Multimedia program was established in 1997, and teaches students to make art using "many medias", which include iconic iconography and small text.

Garvin, with his iMac blue eyes shining brightly, stated, "Initially, the plan was to have this open space in front of the sculpture covered in sensors, you know... and various park go-ers could control the height and shape of the water in the fountain, depending on how fast and in what direction they moved their body. It would be like, a liquid extension of the human form, set in an urban and public domain."

The final installation went in a different direction, consisting of an I-River MP3 player connected to a set of JBL speakers within the silver shape that holds up the sculpture. Visitors to the park, using a USB cord, can upload songs from their personal music devices, if and only if the word "LOVE" is contained within the song's title or its lyrics.

The water within the fountain that serves as a backdrop to the installation has been dyed yellow as well. A Uarts senior was quick to point out that it is in fact dyed hexadecimal #FFFFOO. Currently, the only song uploaded and playing on an endless loop was "What is Love" by Haddaway.

The installation is officially on display until its stolen by the homeless..

Rittenhouse Homeless Disappear, Are Delicious

2008-07-30T16:44:00.004-04:00

Philadelphia residents who frequent Rittenhouse Square have recently noticed a drop in the amount of homeless residing in the area and sleeping on various park benches. The city attributes the drop in more frequent patrolling of the area by police, but a Phunyun investigative report finds that the drop in homeless may have a more sinister explanation.

Until recently, an early morning stroll around Rittenhouse Square would find upwards of 30 homeless men and women sleeping on benches and bathing in a fountain. But that same stroll on Tuesday found only a handful of Philadelphia's homeless could be found, and the ones that remained admit they are scared of what's happening.

"It's like everyone's just disappearing, which is kind of good 'cause plenty of benches for me," said "John" a 34-year-old homeless man originally from Boise, Idaho.

But a 2 hour investigation by The Phunyun has discovered that the homeless may indeed be disappearing ... into the bellies of Philadelphia's hungry elite.

Just two weeks ago Steven Starr opened his most recent Philadelphia restaurant, Parc, in Rittenhouse Square, an opening that coincides with the disappearance of Rittenhouse Square's homeless. A source close to the restaurant's opening who requested anonymity says rising food prices have caused the Starr restaurant to seek food sources elsewhere.

"When you've got meat prices as high as they are it's time to look a little outside the box," said the source. "And so maybe a homeless person disappears and ends up on someone's dinner plate, so what?"

Last night Parc was packed as usual and a quick scan of the restaurant's menu found one odd and very popular item: Soy Lent with Greens. Parc Maitre De, Shawn Christopher, said it's an item the restaurant can barely keep on hand.

"I've never seen anything like it anywhere else I've worked, usually by around 9 o'clock we're all out of it," said Christopher. "I don't know what it is exactly but it's delish and you can say Soy Lent with Greens is people ... I mean popular."

Steven Starr could not be reached for comment at press time.

Skate-boarder Style May Hurt, In the Pants

2008-07-30T15:58:00.004-04:00

Men... Men... Men. There's nothing I like seeing more than a hot male doing his thing in the tightest clothes possible. Within the skating and rocking community, the tight legged, tight butt'd, well... tight everything pant/jean has been all the rage. And who am I to complain? Well I'm Alessa the Great, and complaining is what I do best, child.

There's a reason the good lord made your "equipment" hang lower than the rest of your body. I have a very diverse understanding of the male anatomy, and it didn't take a google search or a wiki-what-have-you to realize that you're killing the future. Sure you look great in those pants, flipping your board this way and that. And far be it from me to haggle over the fact that I personally couldn't fit my arm in one of your pant legs, let alone the rest of what God gave me below the belt.

I propose that we use the comment section of this very post to help brainstorm and find a solution to hipster pant related infertility.

McNabb Allergic to Racism

2008-07-29T09:31:00.010-04:00

Today at training camp in Lehigh, Philadelphia Quarterback leader Donovan McNabb was motor carted off the football playing area after having an allergic reaction to racism. McNabb, now in his tenth year, lead the half of the team that scores offense onto the field and started a football drive. After receiving the snap from center, the number five went back to make a football pass to his wide receiver, R. Brown. The ball went right through the arm hands of Brown, and immediately the crowd began to "boo." Shortly thereafter, McNabb began to have his allergic reaction.

Team doctors say symptoms included dry heaving, retching, with eventual vomiting and the inability to complete a short football pass. Head coach Andy Reid addressed the media shortly after practice and said, "We had to take Donovan out there... just as a precaution there. We'll re-examine him tomorrow. The time is yours."

Tight-ends: Highlights of the day's activities included one particular football play where a player grabbed the ball and began to speed run down the white line on the side of the field. He was tackle hit by another player and made a fumble....Also, the players' uniforms are clean, fit well and look very good....The Eagles start the pre-season season on Aug. 9th in Pittsburgh.

Daily News Dredging The Bottom Of The Barrell For Philly's Sexy Singles

2008-07-28T19:29:00.009-04:00

The Philadelphia Daily News began their annual Sexy Singles search, but after years of searching they seem to be coming up short in their nominations for the region's most attractive and eligible singles.

Daily News section editor Karyn Peters says the city's reputation for having some of the most unattractive people in the country has finally caught up with the paper.

"We've been doing this for a couple of years now and it just seems like it gets harder and harder to find sexy singles because, well to be honest the people here are pretty fugly," said Peters.

Peters is not the only one saying the city is suffering from a hottie shortage, last year a Travel + Leisure poll found Philadelphia was home to the least attractive people in the country. Combine that with the city's former standing as the fattest city in the nation and it doesn't leave many "sexy" singles to choose from.

"I say good luck to the Daily News because I'm thinking about importing people from other cities for my clients," said Phyllis Seinfeld, owner of Phind Phorever inPhatuation a Philadelphia-based matchmaking firm. "Go outside right now and find someone who's attractive and single in this city, I dare you."

To combat the problem, Peters said the Daily News decided to lower the bar a bit for this year's competition, even opening it up to people currently in relationships.

"I guess you can say 'single' is a relative term especially when it comes to this," said Peters. "But we told people, 'if your significant other sees you in our paper don't come blaming us.'"

But some see the shortage of attractive people as a boon to them. New sexy single nominee and current Phunyun entertainment reporter Rico Savage said he thinks his nomination will finally get him some attention from the opposite sex.

"I think a lot of women see me and they're either intimidated or they think a hot guy like me must have a chick already or something," said Savage. "So this basically is just an advertisement that says, "Yo! I'm single, let's rock!"

The Daily News' list of "sexy" "singles" will continue all this week.

Anti-Straw Purchase Campaign Misses Mark

2008-07-27T21:41:00.004-04:00

A recent television ad campaign starring Philadelphia District Attorney Lynne Abraham targets those individuals involved in straw purchases of handguns. In this scenario, a person who cannot purchase a weapon due to their ineligibility gets a proxy buyer to acquire the gun. The commercial states that the D.A. will prosecute any buyer of handguns that are used in crimes and homicides as if they were the ones who pulled the trigger. The campaign has been in heavy rotation for approximately a month and begs the question: is it actually working?

Authorities say that gun traffickers are targeting Pennsylvania, where a straw purchase can net a drug dealer a handgun in a half an hour. In New Jersey and New York, the process takes up to 3 weeks. Assistant District Attorney Albert Toczydlowski says the recent task force created in Pennsylvania is making 10 arrests a month, only a small fraction of actual offenders. In this respect, the anti-straw purchase campaign has been a complete failure.

Where the commercial seems to have had the most impact was on the sale of actual straws or drinking aides, including bendy, crazy, and traditional versions. The Straw Factory in Kensington, Pa. reported a drop of 75% in business from last year and five hundred layoffs as of June 2008.

Eagles' Lito Sheppard Traded To Book Publisher For Dictionary

2008-07-27T20:28:00.004-04:00

Disgruntled Eagles cornerback Lito Sheppard received the trade he had been seeking earlier today when the team moved him to book publisher Random House for a Webster's Dictionary and a book to be named later.

After hearing an interview with the two-time Pro Bowler where he claimed the Eagles were showing him "disappreciation," Random House, publisher of Webster's Dictionary, contacted the team looking to make a trade. Ellis Burroughs, spokesperson for Random House said Sheppard will head one of the company's newest departments.

"It's been difficult for us to keep up with the new words that are entering the American lexicon every year," said Burroughs. "We're hoping someone with the foresight of Lito can help us discover these words before they get out to the general public."

Burroughs cites the last eight years of the Bush administration and the popularity of The Colbert Report as creating the biggest problems for the company and their iconic dictionary.

"The average person isn't going to be able to come up with a word like misunderestimated or truthiness," said Burroughs. "But Lito's clearly ahead of the curve in that regard. Just today he told me he was "exaspercited" to start with us next week. Obviously we're exaspercited to have him as well."

With the off-season acquisition of Asante Samuel, the Eagles defensive backfield had become overpopulated and it was clear Lito Sheppard was going to be the odd man out. Eagles head coach Andy Reid feels the trade is the best that could be worked out.

"We have to make the moves that are best for the team and right now what's best for the team is getting what we can for a player like Lito," said Reid. "I'm not going to go into details, but we think the books that we acquired are going to play a big role ... task ... purpose ... capacity. See it's already paying off."

Ignoring Irony, Rabid Sports Fans Call Dark Knight Fans, "Nerds"

2008-07-25T00:40:00.009-04:00

Last week The Dark Knight, the latest film in the Batman series, earned over $18.5 million in midnight showings its opening night. The movie was shown in an unprecedented 3,040 screens across the country at the stroke of midnight. For many of the people who were able to see the movie in the wee hours of the morning that meant standing in line for hours to get tickets, something some people have begun calling "nerdy."

In it's opening weekend, The Dark Knight set a record for the biggest opening gross for a film ever, earning $158.4 million. Chris Martinez was one of the fans who waited in line for hours just to buy a ticket to the midnight showing.

"I was here at 6 o'clock Wednesday night with my friends, so basically 30 hours in line," said Martinez still in the Joker make-up he had been wearing for almost two days. "I'm used to sitting at my computer playing World of Warcraft for almost that long anyway, no biggie."

But amazingly some people think waiting in line for hours to buy a ticket to a movie based on a comic book is for "nerds," "dorks" or "losers." John McKernan, who describes himself as a "die-hard Philly sports fan" says only a geek would wait in line for hours dressed as a movie character. But amazingly enough, McKernan admits to painting his entire body green and standing topless in Lincoln Financial Field in near freezing temperatures for an Eagles game.

"Yo, that's completely different though - that's sports" said McKernan. "You can't be a loser and like sports, it's just not possible. It's been proven, like scientifically proven."

In fact, it hasn't been proven. And a recent study by Nina Von Dooshen, professor and head of the Sociology department at the University of Pennsylvania, shows the actions of many sports fans closely resemble the habits of the people who would attend a midnight showing of The Dark Knight, or even the latest Comic-Con.

"It's really amazing when you look at it because the actions of sports fans and the actions of fans of movies like The Dark Knight, or fanboys as we call them, are almost identical," said Von Dooshen. "We have sports fans at an extreme level painting their bodies and standing in extremely cold temperature and on a lesser level wearing their favorite player's jersey. And we have fanboys, or girls as the case may be, dressing up as a character like Batman or maybe seeing a movie at 3a.m. It's quite fascinating, the two groups are really more alike then they might imagine."

But while Von Dooshen says the two groups are essentially exhibiting the same fanatical habits, McKernan and Martinez disagree.

"Those guys are just obnoxious, drunk and obnoxious, we're not like them," said Martinez. "It's not like we're starting fights with people who are coming to the theater to see Mama Mia!"

McKernan added, "That Von Dooshen chick doesn't know what she's talking about 'cause I ain't never gonna wait in line no 30 hours for birds tickets. Plus you gotta buy them online now anyway."

Rico Savage, The Phunyun's entertainment reporter, cannot be reached by phone (credit issues) but can be reached by e-mail at savage.rico@gmail.com

Billy Penn/the Philly Curse WANTED Dead or Alive

2008-07-25T00:00:00.011-04:00

On the road to the world series in 1993, the Phillies fitted the William Penn statue atop City Hall with an oversized red Phillies cap. In 1997, the Flyers adorned Penn with an oversized orange away hockey jersey. Both resulted in heartbreaking loses and neither were successful in ending the "philly curse". In the 2001 NBA finals and the 2005 Superbowl, the Sixers and Eagles respectively left the statue untouched. The result: still no championship. This Sunday, the San Jose Sabrecats (13-5) and your very own Philadelphia Soul (15-3) will meet for Arena Bowl XXII in New Orleans. When asked if he was nervous about combating not only San Jose but also the supernatural, Soul co-owner and Jersey native rocker Jon Bon Jovi said, "No... I have a secret weapon."

This morning, the William Penn statue atop City Hall has been covered in an enormous replica of Bon Jovi's fashionable '80s performing attire. Upon viewing the statue, Mel Gross, a Soul season ticket holder from Strawberry Mansion stated, "I cannot believe he actualy wore that. But it worked for him then and hopefully it will work for me and the Soul fans this weekend."

Ron Jaworski, the more football oriented half of the Soul ownership, feels he owes the fans of Philadelphia a championship after quarterbacking the Eagles to a loss in Super Bowl XV. But does he think an Arena Football championship constitutes an end to the curse? "Of course it would. Arena Football is not a fad and the strong fan base here in Philadelphia proves that."

Bon Jovi added, "A championship is a championship, and we're here to make sure that the people of this city get their parade."

"The William Penn Curse" began in March of 1987 with the completion of One Liberty Place in Center City. The new skyscraper exceeded the height of City Hall, atop which the Penn statue resides. Philadelphia has since failed to win a sports championship.

The Soul are making their first ever ArenaBowl appearance this Sunday, July 27 at 3 pm on ESPN and ABC in HD.

Hipsters Invasion of South Philly Continues

2008-07-24T11:38:00.012-04:00

Long thought of as the home of Rocky Balboa and the Italian Market, South Philadelphia has recently become the haven of the local hipster set, causing concern for many longtime residents of the area who fear an "Italian flight."

After being priced out of other areas of the city, young people prone to wearing skinny jeans and American Apparel hoodies have been moving to the South Philly area, bringing their love of overpriced fruity beer and indie-rock with them. The move angers residents like Felicia DeBruno who has lived in the same South Philadelphia rowhome for all of her 82 years.

"The boys look like the girls and the girls with the leggings," DeBruno said. "I don't understand any of it. But they must have bad eyesight with the size of those sunglasses."

But it appears the future of South Philadelphia belongs to the hipsters as more and more hipster-related businesses move into the area. Shops like Doggie Style, which labels itself as a "premier boutique and spa for your dog," would have been unthinkable only a few years ago, yet they seem to be thriving today.

"Here's the thing, if I'm living here I want the places I shop in to have witty, snarky names," said Clint Lane, who moved to a Broad Street apartment with his three friends four months ago. "So, I'm getting coffee at Black N Brew and getting my dog's food at Doggie Style. Screw Starbucks and PetSmart."

Last month it was reported that Philadelphia restaurant maven Steven Starr would be purchasing the Broad Street Diner, which was on the market for $1.9 million, and bringing his signature style of restaurants like Alma De Cuba and Tangerine to South Philadelphia. But some argue the move won't be anything special for the neighborhood.

"Look at what Starr's doing in other places now," said Chris DiPeitro, restaurant critic for the the website southphillyrestaurants.com. "In all likelihood it's just going to be another Buddakan or Continental."

But as some long time residents are considering moving to escape the influx of hipsters, residents like Gaetano Difellipo say they're going to stick it out, even if they don't like what they see.

"I go into that South Philly Tap Room the other night and I walk over to the jukebox and guess what? Not a Sinatra tune in the bunch," said Difellipo. "I mean not even Dean Martin. This is like blasphemy, but I ain't moving, no way."

Nutter to Impliment New "Tuck" Rule

2008-07-23T20:40:00.008-04:00

On March 31st of 2008, Mayor Nutter threw out the celebratory first pitch at Citizen's Bank Park in front of 44,000 Phillies fans, but not many people saw it. Their eyes were full of tears, bellies were full of laughter, and hands were waving in the air in sheer disbelief. "How could a man tuck his baseball jersey into his jeans?" asked Marsha Taylor of Marcus Hook, a Phillies Season ticket holder since 1994. At the time, it seemed like a viable question, but who's laughing now? Certainly not the likes of Bottega Veneta, Dolce & Gabbana, Emilio Pucci, and Versace.

Fast forward to the recent Milan Fashion Week Summer 2008 and the Mayor's influence can be seen everywhere. World famous designers are tucking high price, high quality fabric blouses and tops into fashion's hottest jeans. Suit coats, flannel tops, and tanks are disappearing into high-set jeans all around the globe. Experts say it won't be long before the common consumer will be able to pick up Nutter's infamous look at Target, Wal-mart and Sears.

Mayor Nutter's office had not returned our call as of this publication.

The Daily News Accused Of Stealing Photos Again

2008-07-23T16:35:00.007-04:00

For the second time in less than a week, the Philadelphia Daily News is being sued for copyright infringement after allegedly using photographs without permission for their front page.

In the lawsuit, filed in Philadelphia Federal Court today, the Daily News is accused of "knowingly using a photograph hosted on The Phunyun's website without permission for use on their July 22 issue." The photograph in question ran on The Phunyun's website on July 21, the following day that same picture allegedly appeared on the front page of the Daily News.

Phunyun spokesperson Jay Geils said the news organization felt the need to file the lawsuit after seeing a similar suit filed by Brad Maule last week.

"It's pretty clear to us that the Daily News feels that they can just take anything they want whenever they want and we're saying 'no, you can't do this,'" said Geils. "I mean this isn't like the Internet where you can just steal music and whatnot. The Phunyun is not the Daily News' Limewire."

Last week Maule, founder of phillyskyline.com, filed suit against the Daily News, The Colbert Report and Family Dodge alleging they used images from his website without permission and is seeking $1.25 million in damages.

In their lawsuit The Phunyun is seeking $500 million in damages from Philadelphia Media Holding, owners of the Daily News and the Philadelphia Inquirer. Geils said the enormous amount they are seeking is due to "irreparable damage" which was done to The Phunyun.

"To be honest, this lawsuit wouldn't be happening if we were talking about the New York Times using our photo, or even the Inquirer," he said. "But the Daily News? Really? People only read that for sports and gossip. And 75 cents? Please."

Representatives for Philadelphia Media Holdings could not be reached for comment.

Larry Mendte Might Know Your MySpace Password

2008-07-22T20:21:00.006-04:00

Authorities are asking all those with MySpace/Facebook or e-mail accounts to change their passwords in the aftermath of the recent Larry Mednte scandal. If evidence is to be believed, the former CBS3 newscaster accessed his fellow co-anchor Alycia Lane's Yahoo e-mail account 537 times over the span of 146 days. Using a small keystroke-logging device and his ninja like skill, Mendte easily obtained Lane's password and began his personal investigation, perhaps in search of those Rich Eisen bikini shots.

Social networking website users who have recently logged into their accounts only to hear that they've un-knowningly sent fellow users messages about "free ring tones" or "hott web graphix" should contact authorities immediately. Their password has more than likely been "mend-teed" and can no longer be trusted.

Obese Man Clogs Franklin Institute's Giant Heart

2008-07-22T18:13:00.009-04:00

Visitors looking to enter the iconic Giant Heart exhibit at The Franklin Institute were turned away today when an obese man became stuck inside the model walk-thru heart.

At 2 p.m. Tuesday, Philadelphia police and fire department were called to the science museum to assist in the removal of a 400 pound man from the heart exhibit located on the building's second floor. Upon entering The Joy and George Rathmann Hall of Science, police officer Erik Stevens said he was shocked by what he saw.

"I remember coming here as a kid and seeing the heart so I know what it's supposed to look like," said Stevens. "But this was amazing because the one part was all bulged out from the size of the guy inside."

Witnesses of the event said the man inside the heart, 42-year-old Michael McConnell of St. Louis, Missouri, entered with a group of tourists who encouraged him to stay out.

"I had just gone through [the heart] before that guy went in and I was saying to my boyfriend that the walkways and steps were so narrow," said Alisha Harrison of Port Richmond who was visiting the museum for the first time. "When I saw him go in I seriously said to myself, 'I bet he gets stuck,' and sure enough he did."

Firefighters initially planned to remove McConnell by cutting into the heart's upper chamber, but were concerned the incision would cause irreparable damage to the 54 year old heart, which underwent renovations in 2004. Instead, firefighters inserted a large tube filled with compressed air which expanded a portion of the heart allowing McConnell to pass through.

The irony of the entire event was not lost on museum curator Steven Jacobs who said a height and weight restriction for the heart may be enforced in the future.

"Look, if this isn't a metaphor for what's happening in this country then nothing is," said Jacobs. "For god's sake, a fat man clogged a giant heart, what more do do I need to say? I'm just glad we don't have a giant liver because I don't want to know the things that would go on in there."

McConnell was taken to Hahnemann University Hospital‎ where he is listed in stable condition.

The Giant Heart is listed in fair condition and Jacobs says the exhibit will reopen to the public following a recovery period.

"We'll probably start slowly and just see how it goes, but I expect the heart to be up and running in about three months."

Philly Gets Transformers 2, Camden Gets the GoBots

2008-07-22T14:44:00.015-04:00

An article on Camden and its western suburbs finding their place as locations for Hollywood motion pictures has appeared on the site of NJ Motion Picture & Television Commission. Amongst the many movies listed for using Camden as the location to shoot their materials, GoBots: The Movie is named by the article as possibly also shooting here.

The GPFO website (film.org) headed by Sharon Pinkenson dismissed the claims of a "rival robot transforming into a human vehicle" movie just across the river as just a rumor. She states, "We have a world renowned director in Michael Bay, a world renowned duo of young actors in Megan Fox and Shia Lebouf, and a franchise in Transformers that's loved by millions around the world. There's no time to speculate about the revival of a half rate children's franchise that aired on USA networks back in the 90's."

Unbeknownst to Pinkenson, the cartoon in fact aired in 1984-85, beating the original Transformers cartoon to the air and running for 66 episodes. As of yesterday morning, the only talent rumored to be attached to the rival robot action film is "Golden Girl" favorite, Bea Arthur as the voice of Crasher.

Rittenhouse Square to become Circle

2008-07-22T13:40:00.005-04:00

Preliminary plans began today at City Hall under the watchful eye of Mayor Nutter. His mission is to completely redesign the section of the city known as Rittenhouse Square. The city landmark was known as the southwest square until 1825 when it was named for the astronomer-clockmaker, David Rittenhouse. He's dead now, and various city officials feel that the popular area could use a much needed face lift.

"For years, this particular area has brought together all types of people from all walks of life, but at the same time has forced them to decide which of the four sides of the square they wished to occupy," states Nutter. The mayor went on to say that patrons of the former Square can eventually "meet their people in the middle." When asked what he would place at the center of the newly formed Rittenhouse Circle upon the completion of construction, Mayor Nutter responded, "something creamy."

Sports Radio Caller Hired As Eagles GM

2008-07-21T22:42:00.016-04:00

In a move that will likely send shockwaves through the National Football League, Philadelphia Eagles president Joe Banner announced the hiring of Vincent "Vinny" Salvadori today as the team's new general manager after hearing the trade ideas he had as a caller on a local sports radio station last week.

"We like to think a little outside the box," said Banner, speaking from the team's training camp at Lehigh University. "Vinny just has some very bold and interesting ideas that we think will take us to the next level."

Last Wednesday Salvadori, a lifelong South Philadelphia resident, called into the midday show on 610 WIP with hosts Anthony Gargano and Glen Macnow, to suggest a trade of Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb for fellow quarterback Brett Favre. Favre announced his retirement at the end of last season but is looking to return to football and is asking the Green Bay Packers to release or trade him.

"Look, I'm just saying you know what Favre can do and he's like awesome, he's like a warrior" said Salvadori. "Plus, McNabb's a bum and we're not going to win anything with him. I've been saying that since we drafted him in '99"

Salvadori, who says his most recent career was "doing side jobs," has no front office experience and didn't play football past a pop warner team at age 12. But Salvadori says he thinks these are benefits for him.

"I'm not stuck on all this [stuff] like the other GMs, like salary caps and whatever. Who cares, let's just get the deals done," Salvadori said.

The hiring of Salvadori means Andy Reid will step down from his post as general manager but will stay on for his tenth season as the team's head coach. It is a move Reid says he welcomes.

"It's tough doing both jobs, plus my kids are clearly losing their minds, so I think this is good for everyone," said Reid.

During the first week of training camp Salvadori says he expects to make his dream trade come true by offering the Packers the 31-year-old McNabb for Favre, who will turn 39 this October.

"We need some better wide receivers here too so I might see if they want to throw in [Donald] Driver," said Salvadori.

McNabb, who is training for the upcoming season in Arizona was unavailable for comment at press time.

The unprecedented move of hiring someone with no football experience is long overdue according to Salvadori who has plans for all Philadelphia sports teams.

"I've been saying for years that if I was running the teams we'd have a championship by now," said Salvadori. "We'd have Kobe [Bryant] on the Sixers, ARod on the Phils and I dunno, whoever is the best hockey player on the Flyers. It would be effing sweet."