Septa Announces "What The Fuck Did You Expect Really?"

Friday's Phillies championship parade drew such a crowd into Philadelphia that the city's public transportation system suspended service into the city at 1 p.m. leaving thousands of fans unable to reach the parade. This is just one part of SEPTA's ongoing "We Really Just Don't Give A Shit" campaign.

Early estimates say Friday's Phillies championship parade drew over two million people into the city from 20th and Market to the stadium complex in South Philly. Because of the huge crowd, and the urging of Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter, many decided to take SEPTA, Philadelphia's public transportation system. But by midday they had cancelled all inbound service to the city so trains would be available to bring people home after the parade.

"The option was really to either add more trains to alleviate the congestion, or just give up," said SEPTA spokesperson Dee Ouchebag. "So we just stopped running the trains inbound because we really just don't give a shit."

As it turned out, SEPTA's hard work getting trains back to Philadelphia worked well as thousands of people were left stranded, some waiting more than three hours for trains heading to the suburbs.

"I live in the suburbs, we don't take the goddamn train out there, we drive," said first time SEPTA rider Rico Savage. "I've been standing [at Suburban Station] for two hours now, I'm never using SEPTA again."

Ouchebag said SEPTA has been getting thousands of reactions like that all day.

"And that's basically what we're looking for at SEPTA," said Ouchebag. "This was our moment to really show people what we were all about and I think now everyone in the Philadelphia region, and hopefully the world, know we really just don't give a shit."

UPDATE: William Penn Statue Torn Down, Fans Proclaim "The Curse Is Overthrown"

Today at approximately 10 a.m., a number of unidentified Philadelphia sports fans were able hijack a FOX-29 helicopter and removed the William Penn statue which once stood above City Hall. The statue, once the icon for the so-called "William Penn Curse" which kept Philadelphia sports teams from winning a championship, was ripped from it's base and then dropped 12 stories to the City Hall concourse.

A large group of revelers who were still celebrating after Wednesday night's World Series victory, gathered around the remains of the statue to take out 28 years of frustration on the William Penn likeness, beating it with hammers, shoes and stale Amoroso rolls.

"We overthrew the curse!" screamed Center City resident Adam Eneav. "William Penn is finally dead!"

When asked about the William Penn incident in a press conference this afternoon, Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter said the city will not take the actions lightly.

"That kind of idiotic, destructive behavior will not be accepted," said Nutter. "You can celebrate, but you cannot be a jackass."

Philadelphia Residents Take Out 25 Years of Frustration on William Penn Statue

The William Penn statue, sitting atop Philadelphia's City Hall has long been rumored to be the cause of the city's sports failures. But with Wednesday night's World Series win by the Phillies a select number of fans are making sure the curse is dead for good by tearing down the iconic structure.

Following celebrations that went into the early hours of Thursday an unidentified number of assailants gained access to a FOX-29 helicopter with the intention of removing the William Penn statue from it's perch. By 8:30 a.m. the perpetrators were hovering above City Hall, had fastened a harness around the statue and were attempting to remove the statue from it's moorings.

The Phunyun was able to conduct a brief phone interview with a member of group who asked to remain anonymous and said he wanted to make sure other didn't have to suffer as long as he did.

"Look, I'm 30 and I don't remember 1980 or '83 and I don't want my kids or my kids' kids to have to wait their entire lives to see a championship," said the group's leader. "Not that I have kids, or even want them. I mean I can't take care of myself barely, I'm stealing helicopters for fuck's sake. Shit, I'm thinking maybe this wasn't a good idea now that I'm sobering up."

The group has gained some followers who agree William Penn was the source of their sports misery for the past 25 years. Justin Eyem said he would like to take out his frustrations on the statute.

"I've been waiting my whole life for a championship," said Eyem. "If that statue was in front of me right now I would probably beat the shit out of it."

The group hopes to have the statue fully removed later this morning. In a surprising move the city has yet to stop the statue's removal and Mayor Nutter's office was unavailable for comment by press time.

PHILS WIN THE WORLD SERIES OF BASEBALL GAMING...

... No really, they did!!! 2008 Champions!!!

The Soul Release Championship Apparel (Reminder)

The Philadelphia Soul, 2008 Arena football ball club Champions, have released new apparel reminding the city that they were the first team to win a title in the past 25 years. T-shirts, sweat-shirts, dog shirts, shirt shirts, and Zubaz pants are available at cafe-press for $20, each adorned with the playful catch phrase "Uh... We Already Has?" All proceeds from sales will be donated to the H.A.A. or "Hair Across Africa" organization, a group created by Soul owner and musician Jon Bon Jovi. H.A.A. helps malnourished and dying African children get really amazing 80's hair cuts.

Phillies Receive Much Coveted Tony The Tiger Endorsement

A number of celebrities have been seen in Philadelphia during this year's World Series including country music stars Taylor Swift and Tim McGraw and hometown NBA star Rasheed Wallace. But many were stunned Monday night when Frosted Flakes pitchman Tony the Tiger was seen on the Broad Street subway donning a Phillies jersey.

"If you've ever seen our commercials you know I'm a big sports fan," said the Tiger. "I'm not necessarily a Phillies fan per se, but I'm a huge fan of Jimmy Rrrrrrrrrrollins. Sorry, that's a tick I have."

A recent Phunyun/New York Times survey found that the cereal advertising world was essentially split down the middle in the World Series support. However, Barney Rubble later told The Phunyun he was only rooting for the Phillies to try to steal Fred's Fruity Pebbles.

Philly Strip Clubs Spoof World Series Promotion Offering "Free Pink Taco..."

Taco Bell is running a World Series promotion giving out free tacos today, Oct. the 28th, thanks in part to the base stealing abilities of Tampa Bay's Jason Bartlett. Between the hours of 2 and 6pm, for one day only, patrons can enter any Taco Bell across the country and receive their free taco. A few local Phialdelphia strip clubs have taken this idea and run with it in a complete opposite (and much more enticing) direction. DayDreams, Cheerleaders, Show n' Tell, and other particpating clubs will open tonight at 10pm with free admission and one complimentary lap dance for males wearing a Phillies jersey as part of their "Free Pink Taco" promotion.

Phillies Call In Bejing Olympic Weather Modification Team to Halt Downpour...

A select team of 30 members of the Bureau of Weather Modification, one of the largest organizations in the world, touched down at Philadelphia International Airport early this morning with one thing on their mind: STOP THAT RAIN. The BWM's spokeperson, Wang Cheung, states, "We received a carr rate rast night from the Phiraderphia Phirries, asking us to herp hart the incrimate weather that is currentry hitting the city." When asked why he was talking this way, Cheung did three backflips and disappeared. This team, part of the 37,000 member army that the BWM has become, is called into action whenever parts of the world are struck by an unusual drought. But much like they did in Bejing for the 2008 Olympics, they are now being called upon to stop the rain from falling over a particular geographical region, that being Citizen's Bank Park.

A translator for lead BWM weapons specialist, General Kara Teechop shared, "We basically shoot various items up into the clouds, like silver iodide, salts, dry ice, Craisins, and rubber bands." This form of "rain mitigation" helped open a small window of perfect weather for the Chinese games, keeping the patrons inside the Birds Nest in downtown Bejing high and dry. When asked if he was concerned that perhaps this process could cause a drought in the Philadelphia region for a prolonged amount of time, Mayor Nutter stated, "I'd trade an agricultural drought for a championship drought anyday."

Religious Group Proclaims "God Hates Phils"

Game five of the 2008 World Series was postponed after heavy rain fell on the Philadelphia area last night, and with more rain in the forecast on Tuesday it's unclear when the game will resume. While many continue to blame Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig for the decision, another culprit is emerging - God.

The Westboro Baptist Church has become infamous for their condemnation of homosexuality and for protesting at the funerals of fallen American soldiers. Last night, members of the church were seen protesting outside of Citizens Bank Park claiming there was no way God would allow the city of Philadelphia to celebrate a championship.

Armed with signs reading "God Hates Phils," "Blame It On The Rain" and "We'd Say You're Going To Hell, But You're Already In Philadelphia," the group expressed what they believe to be God's hatred toward Philadelphia sports franchises. The group's leader, Reverend Fred Phelps seemed to predict a rainfall early in the evening.

"And it will come to pass that after four games a flood shall fall on the city," said Phelps. "And two by two they shall exit the park, dissatisfied with the result, cursing the name Bud Selig."

It is unclear if Phelps' church will protest outside of game five when it resumes either tonight or tomorrow. "We've got a lot of people to offend," said Phelps. "So I don't know if we can stick around this modern day Sodom and Gomorrah."

Lab Results for "Dark Spot" on Blanton's Cap Are In...

Tampa Bay Ray's Manager and local Hazelton god, Joe Maddon, asked MLB officials to confiscate Phillies pitcher Joe Blanton's baseball cap immediately after last night's Game 4 of the World Series. Blanton pitched well through 7 innings and seemed to confound the majority of the Rays' hitters. During the third inning, Maddon's brother John called Joe on his personal cell phone and exclaimed that due to his Hi-Def feed and 1080 i flat screen television, he could see a mysterious substance on Blanton's brim. The hat was bagged and sent to a third party laboratory, where technicians worked through the night to discover the molecular makeup of the spot and test it for any possible illegal substance. The results were delivered to MLB commissioner Bud Selig's hotel room this morning via Liberties Parcel. He states, "Aside from the results being revoltingly disgusting, there were no illegal substances found and I absolve both Joe Blanton and the Phillies organization of any wrong doing." A piece by piece break down of the lab results follows just below..

Rays Manager Joe Maddon Does Not Approve of Your Beer Choice

It's been widely regarded that Philadelphia fans are some of the toughest in sports. Although it's rarely discussed by the national media, the Philly fans even booed Santa Claus once. But not often do they get it in return, especially from the opposing team's manager.

During game 3 of the World Series Saturday night, Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon traded verbal jabs with some Phillies fans seated near the Rays dugout. However, at one point Maddon hit below the belt - attacking a man's choice in beer.

"Down by the dugout I had a good time with a bunch of guys sitting up in the stands. I was actually giving a guy a hard time for drinking Coors Light in Philadelphia," said Maddon. "We went back and forth with that, and I said 'where's the Schmidt's?' At least some Rolling Rock. Don't be going with Coors Light. It's so unfashionable for a Philly dude."

The Phunyun was able to catch up with Brandon Hudson who was Maddon's sparring partner and defends his beer choice.

"First of all I don't know where the hell Joe Maddon's been but the Schmidt's brewery closed in 1987, so maybe he should get some new references," said Hudson. "And secondly, I just grabbed a beer from the vendor who was selling in our section. Sorry I didn't want to wait in line and wanted to actually watch the game, unlike the fans in Tampa."

Sarah Palin Removes Curse From Flyers, Places It On St. Louis Blues

After the Flyers failed to win in their first six games following Sarah Palin's ceremonial puck drop for their season opener, the Republican Vice Presidential candidate removed the curse Friday night, placing it instead on the St. Louis Blues.

While campaigning in Missouri Friday, Palin made an appearance at the Scottrade Center to drop the puck before that night's Blues/Kings game. Meanwhile, 900 miles away in Newark, New Jersey, the Philadelphia Flyers broke out of a 3-2 deficit entering the second period to win their game against the New Jersey Devils 6-3. As expect, the Blues lost their match to the Kings 4-0.

Experts across the sports world agree Palin is placing some sort of curse on the home teams she drops the puck for. The self-described "hockey mom" is now being mentioned in the same breath as "The Curse of the Billy Goat," "The Curse of the Bambino" and "The Curse of Being the Clippers."

Oliver Klozoff, professor of Paranormal Studies at Temple University, says "The Palin Curse," like most of the other curses, is very real and should be taken seriously by any other NHL team thinking of allowing the VP candidate to drop the puck.

"A lot of people might look at this and say, 'oh that's just a coincidence' and those people are kidding themselves," said Klozoff. "There is something at work here, I don't know if it's because she feels there aren't enough Alaskans in the NHL or what. But I'll tell you this, if you see the Dallas Mavericks tank when the NBA season starts I think we have a real epidemic on our hands."

Klozoff also believes Palin's power is increasing and her potential to cause havoc on professional sports teams may be growing with each appearance.

"Take a look at tonight's game with the Blues," said Klozoff. "Not only did they get shut out by a bad Kings team, but their goalie was injured tripping over the carpet she walked out on. This is getting scary."

Before the ceremony involving Palin, Blues goalie Manny Legace accidentally stepped on the red carpet and tripped. Legace allowed two goals on 12 shots during the first period and did not return for the second period with what the team is calling a "lower body injury."

Calls to the Palin campaign were not returned by press time.

Phillies Relent to Fans, Howard to Sit, Myers to DH

Although he almost single-handedly put the Phillies in the playoffs with his September play, first baseman Ryan Howard will sit the bench tonight in a move that Phillies fans have been calling for since the playoffs began. Taking the place of Howard in the clean-up spot will be pitcher Brett Myers according to manager Charlie Manuel.

"People probably, you know, they probably don't know it, but like, I listen to advice from the fans," said Manuel. "And they make a good, you know they make a good point about Howard not hitting. So, we're going to give Myers a shot since, like, he's batting .800."

Streams of calls to sports radio stations, and sports blogs in the Philadelphia region have been calling for the benching of Howard with his .229 batting average during the playoffs. By contrast, Myers is batting a red-hot .800 over the same time span.

Phillies fan Andrew Christopher said he thinks this is the right decision.

"Howard fucking sucks," said Christopher. "He just sucks, I dunno."

Phillies Choose Other Christopher Walken SNL Skit to Combat Rays' "More Cowbell"

One of the images and sounds that has become synonymous with the 2008 Major League Baseball playoffs has been Tampa Rays fans ringing cowbells and holding up signs reading "More Cowbell," a reference to a 2000 Saturday Night Live skit starring Christopher Walken. In an effort to combat this, the Philadelphia Phillies are asking fans to chant "wowee-wow-wow-wow" during the World Series.

John Brazer, director of publicity for the Phillies says "wowee-wow-wow-wow" gives fans who might not know the difference between a fair ball and a fair catch a reason to cheer.

"Let's be honest, by the time you're in the World Series, a lot of the people at the ballpark are just there because it's the cool place to be," said Brazer. "But as we saw in Tampa, where people clearly know and care nothing about baseball, a line from a Saturday Night Live skit can excite people who don't even know what baseball is."

The "wowee-wow-wow-wow" line comes from a recurring skit on SNL called The Continental starring Christopher Walken. Brazer says The Continental skit was chosen because of the popularity of Walken in the Cowbell skit, but also because The Continental had a longer track record.

"I mean you've got The Continental that appeared on SNL six times. Six Times!" said Brazer. "That Cowbell sketch only ran once and really it's Will Ferrell that makes that sketch funny."

As of press time it was unclear how the Phillies plan on implementing "wowee-wow-wow-wow" into the games at Citizens Bank Park, but they expect it to rank high in sports meme lure.

"It's going to rank up there with Rally Monkey for the Angels and the Tomahawk Chop for the Braves and Gino for the Celtics," said Brazer. "It'll be pretty huge."

Shane Victorino's Little Brother Arrested by Dog the Bounty Hunter.

The Phillies extended family has received yet another blow in the days leading up to their first World Series appearence since 1993. Just days after head coach Charlie Manuel lost his mother, Phillies centerfielder Shane Victorino received word that his little brother, Mau-hulo, had been apprehended by television star and bounty hunter, Duane Champman. Mau-hulo Victorino was sought after repeatedly missing court appearances before Hawaiin judges and was handed over to authorities by Dog and company early this morning. The world's most famous hunter of men said, "He's a good kid that just went in the wrong direction. He's going to jail, but things could be worse... he could be dating a black girl."

As if Victorino didn't have enough to worry about with the impending series, Shane must attend the funeral of his grandmother who just recently passed away. When asked if this would affect his performance on the field, Victorino stated, "No questions asked," before boarding a plane for his home island of Maui.

Republicans Crowd Philadelphia Streets After Third Presidential Debate

A sea of red filled the streets all over the Philadelphia region last night shortly after the end of the third Presidential debate aired last night. Although most news outlets called the debate a win for Barack Obama, the throng of Republican-red worn by those in the crowd seemed to show Philadelphians' support for John McCain.

This kind of spontaneous outpouring of support for a political candidate is virtually unheard of  and typically reserved for sporting events. But last night, about 45 minutes after the end of last night's Presidential debate in Hempstead, New York, thousands of McCain supporters filled streets, emptied bars and began honking car horns. Although some chants from the fans were inaudible, a clear "We won!" could be heard repeatedly from fans who believed McCain won the debate.

When asked what he thought of the night's events, Mike Hunt of Mayfair said, "Fuck the dodgers," a clear sign that he felt Barack Obama had dodged questions in the night's debate.