Sunday, November 30, 2008

World Series Champs Release Magical Holiday Album

Those tuning in to PBS (WHYY) tomorrow evening will not see the regularly scheduled "Chris Isaak Christmas" or "Christmas with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir." Instead, they will be treated to a holiday music tour de force, featuring the unlikely coupling of the 2008 World Series Champions, the Philadelphia Phillies, with star recording artists ranging from Hall n' Oates to Sir Elton John. This special, taped just weeks ago at the Kimmel Center in Philadelphia, features select songs from the new album "Christmas Came Two Months Early..." the brainchild of Phil Spector, world renowned producer and murderer. Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel coined the popular phrase that adorns each CD insert in a speech at the conclusion of the Championship parade at Citizen's Bank Park. Since that moment, the city of Philadelphia had been in a state of Christmas Euphoria.

Contributors to PBS fundraisers and drives can get their holiday 2 disc-set for a donation of $200.00 US. Disc One is 16 tracks of holiday cheer with a dash of Phillies championship baseball. Highlights include musical cameos by MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, former star of "Who's the Boss?" Alyssa Milano, star of Broadway and stage Robert Goulet, the Vienna Boys Choir and many more... all teamed up with South Philadelphia's favorite team to sing old and new Christmas classics. Disc Two is a DVD packed with extras from the making of the album. Take on the Phillie Phanatic in an interactive sleigh ride on the Schuykill, follow local camera crews for behind the scenes bloopers in the 60 min. all access documentary, or help local radio personality from 610 WIP, Howard Eskin, save his collection of Christmas mink coats from the PETA Grinches.

Full Track listing for Disc 1 can be found by clicking more below.

1. O' Coach O' Coach, C. Manuel - the entire 2008 World Series Championship Philadelphia Phillies roster headed by Robert Goulet.
2. Step Into Kalas - Phillies announcer Harry Kalas and Sir Elton John.
3. Jingle Burrell Rock - outfielder, Pat Burrell and the Phillies Ball Girls.
4. Here Comes Blanton Claus - pitcher and game four hero Joe Blanton on the sax (instrumental).
5. Joy to the World (F*cking Champions) - Chase Utley and the Vienna Boys Choir.
6. Silent Ninth - perfect closer, Brad Lidge with the help of J.C. Romero and Ryan Madson.
7. Do You Eyre What I Eyre? - Scott Eyre, Chad Durbin, and J.A. Happ team up with the Bare Naked Ladies.
8. Baby, it's Wet Outside - MLB commissioner Bud Selig and the Citizen's Bank Grounds Crew, with a special solo by Fox's John Bolaris.
9. Gillick-alikimaka - Shane and brother Mau-hulo Victorino celebrate the Phillies former GM and their native land.
10. What Inning is This? - Sarge Matthews and Alyssa Milano.
11. Deck the Wife - Phillies starting pitcher, Brett Myers and the Boston PD.
12. Ruiz/Feliz Navidad - catcher Carlos Ruiz and third baseman Pedro Feliz mambo with Buena Vista Social Club.
13. O' Little Town of Souderton - The Jamie Moyer Family.
14. Brunt-lett it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow - pinch hitter Eric Bruntlett, Daryl Hall and John Oates.
15. Swing Away in a Manger - Ryan Howard and his animated bat, Hitty (voiced by Dom De Louise).
16. I've Got My Glove to Keep Me Warm - golden glover Jimmy Rollins and soul artist Eryka Badu.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Septa Announces "What The Fuck Did You Expect Really?"

Friday's Phillies championship parade drew such a crowd into Philadelphia that the city's public transportation system suspended service into the city at 1 p.m. leaving thousands of fans unable to reach the parade. This is just one part of SEPTA's ongoing "We Really Just Don't Give A Shit" campaign.

Early estimates say Friday's Phillies championship parade drew over two million people into the city from 20th and Market to the stadium complex in South Philly. Because of the huge crowd, and the urging of Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter, many decided to take SEPTA, Philadelphia's public transportation system. But by midday they had cancelled all inbound service to the city so trains would be available to bring people home after the parade.

"The option was really to either add more trains to alleviate the congestion, or just give up," said SEPTA spokesperson Dee Ouchebag. "So we just stopped running the trains inbound because we really just don't give a shit."

As it turned out, SEPTA's hard work getting trains back to Philadelphia worked well as thousands of people were left stranded, some waiting more than three hours for trains heading to the suburbs.

"I live in the suburbs, we don't take the goddamn train out there, we drive," said first time SEPTA rider Rico Savage. "I've been standing [at Suburban Station] for two hours now, I'm never using SEPTA again."

Ouchebag said SEPTA has been getting thousands of reactions like that all day.

"And that's basically what we're looking for at SEPTA," said Ouchebag. "This was our moment to really show people what we were all about and I think now everyone in the Philadelphia region, and hopefully the world, know we really just don't give a shit."

Thursday, October 30, 2008

UPDATE: William Penn Statue Torn Down, Fans Proclaim "The Curse Is Overthrown"

Today at approximately 10 a.m., a number of unidentified Philadelphia sports fans were able hijack a FOX-29 helicopter and removed the William Penn statue which once stood above City Hall. The statue, once the icon for the so-called "William Penn Curse" which kept Philadelphia sports teams from winning a championship, was ripped from it's base and then dropped 12 stories to the City Hall concourse.

A large group of revelers who were still celebrating after Wednesday night's World Series victory, gathered around the remains of the statue to take out 28 years of frustration on the William Penn likeness, beating it with hammers, shoes and stale Amoroso rolls.

"We overthrew the curse!" screamed Center City resident Adam Eneav. "William Penn is finally dead!"

When asked about the William Penn incident in a press conference this afternoon, Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter said the city will not take the actions lightly.

"That kind of idiotic, destructive behavior will not be accepted," said Nutter. "You can celebrate, but you cannot be a jackass."

Philadelphia Residents Take Out 25 Years of Frustration on William Penn Statue

The William Penn statue, sitting atop Philadelphia's City Hall has long been rumored to be the cause of the city's sports failures. But with Wednesday night's World Series win by the Phillies a select number of fans are making sure the curse is dead for good by tearing down the iconic structure.

Following celebrations that went into the early hours of Thursday an unidentified number of assailants gained access to a FOX-29 helicopter with the intention of removing the William Penn statue from it's perch. By 8:30 a.m. the perpetrators were hovering above City Hall, had fastened a harness around the statue and were attempting to remove the statue from it's moorings.

The Phunyun was able to conduct a brief phone interview with a member of group who asked to remain anonymous and said he wanted to make sure other didn't have to suffer as long as he did.

"Look, I'm 30 and I don't remember 1980 or '83 and I don't want my kids or my kids' kids to have to wait their entire lives to see a championship," said the group's leader. "Not that I have kids, or even want them. I mean I can't take care of myself barely, I'm stealing helicopters for fuck's sake. Shit, I'm thinking maybe this wasn't a good idea now that I'm sobering up."

The group has gained some followers who agree William Penn was the source of their sports misery for the past 25 years. Justin Eyem said he would like to take out his frustrations on the statute.

"I've been waiting my whole life for a championship," said Eyem. "If that statue was in front of me right now I would probably beat the shit out of it."

The group hopes to have the statue fully removed later this morning. In a surprising move the city has yet to stop the statue's removal and Mayor Nutter's office was unavailable for comment by press time.


... No really, they did!!! 2008 Champions!!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Soul Release Championship Apparel (Reminder)

The Philadelphia Soul, 2008 Arena football ball club Champions, have released new apparel reminding the city that they were the first team to win a title in the past 25 years. T-shirts, sweat-shirts, dog shirts, shirt shirts, and Zubaz pants are available at cafe-press for $20, each adorned with the playful catch phrase "Uh... We Already Has?" All proceeds from sales will be donated to the H.A.A. or "Hair Across Africa" organization, a group created by Soul owner and musician Jon Bon Jovi. H.A.A. helps malnourished and dying African children get really amazing 80's hair cuts.

Phillies Receive Much Coveted Tony The Tiger Endorsement

A number of celebrities have been seen in Philadelphia during this year's World Series including country music stars Taylor Swift and Tim McGraw and hometown NBA star Rasheed Wallace. But many were stunned Monday night when Frosted Flakes pitchman Tony the Tiger was seen on the Broad Street subway donning a Phillies jersey.

"If you've ever seen our commercials you know I'm a big sports fan," said the Tiger. "I'm not necessarily a Phillies fan per se, but I'm a huge fan of Jimmy Rrrrrrrrrrollins. Sorry, that's a tick I have."

A recent Phunyun/New York Times survey found that the cereal advertising world was essentially split down the middle in the World Series support. However, Barney Rubble later told The Phunyun he was only rooting for the Phillies to try to steal Fred's Fruity Pebbles.

Philly Strip Clubs Spoof World Series Promotion Offering "Free Pink Taco..."

Taco Bell is running a World Series promotion giving out free tacos today, Oct. the 28th, thanks in part to the base stealing abilities of Tampa Bay's Jason Bartlett. Between the hours of 2 and 6pm, for one day only, patrons can enter any Taco Bell across the country and receive their free taco. A few local Phialdelphia strip clubs have taken this idea and run with it in a complete opposite (and much more enticing) direction. DayDreams, Cheerleaders, Show n' Tell, and other particpating clubs will open tonight at 10pm with free admission and one complimentary lap dance for males wearing a Phillies jersey as part of their "Free Pink Taco" promotion.

Phillies Call In Bejing Olympic Weather Modification Team to Halt Downpour...

A select team of 30 members of the Bureau of Weather Modification, one of the largest organizations in the world, touched down at Philadelphia International Airport early this morning with one thing on their mind: STOP THAT RAIN. The BWM's spokeperson, Wang Cheung, states, "We received a carr rate rast night from the Phiraderphia Phirries, asking us to herp hart the incrimate weather that is currentry hitting the city." When asked why he was talking this way, Cheung did three backflips and disappeared. This team, part of the 37,000 member army that the BWM has become, is called into action whenever parts of the world are struck by an unusual drought. But much like they did in Bejing for the 2008 Olympics, they are now being called upon to stop the rain from falling over a particular geographical region, that being Citizen's Bank Park.

A translator for lead BWM weapons specialist, General Kara Teechop shared, "We basically shoot various items up into the clouds, like silver iodide, salts, dry ice, Craisins, and rubber bands." This form of "rain mitigation" helped open a small window of perfect weather for the Chinese games, keeping the patrons inside the Birds Nest in downtown Bejing high and dry. When asked if he was concerned that perhaps this process could cause a drought in the Philadelphia region for a prolonged amount of time, Mayor Nutter stated, "I'd trade an agricultural drought for a championship drought anyday."

Religious Group Proclaims "God Hates Phils"

Game five of the 2008 World Series was postponed after heavy rain fell on the Philadelphia area last night, and with more rain in the forecast on Tuesday it's unclear when the game will resume. While many continue to blame Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig for the decision, another culprit is emerging - God.

The Westboro Baptist Church has become infamous for their condemnation of homosexuality and for protesting at the funerals of fallen American soldiers. Last night, members of the church were seen protesting outside of Citizens Bank Park claiming there was no way God would allow the city of Philadelphia to celebrate a championship.

Armed with signs reading "God Hates Phils," "Blame It On The Rain" and "We'd Say You're Going To Hell, But You're Already In Philadelphia," the group expressed what they believe to be God's hatred toward Philadelphia sports franchises. The group's leader, Reverend Fred Phelps seemed to predict a rainfall early in the evening.

"And it will come to pass that after four games a flood shall fall on the city," said Phelps. "And two by two they shall exit the park, dissatisfied with the result, cursing the name Bud Selig."

It is unclear if Phelps' church will protest outside of game five when it resumes either tonight or tomorrow. "We've got a lot of people to offend," said Phelps. "So I don't know if we can stick around this modern day Sodom and Gomorrah."

Monday, October 27, 2008

Lab Results for "Dark Spot" on Blanton's Cap Are In...

Tampa Bay Ray's Manager and local Hazelton god, Joe Maddon, asked MLB officials to confiscate Phillies pitcher Joe Blanton's baseball cap immediately after last night's Game 4 of the World Series. Blanton pitched well through 7 innings and seemed to confound the majority of the Rays' hitters. During the third inning, Maddon's brother John called Joe on his personal cell phone and exclaimed that due to his Hi-Def feed and 1080 i flat screen television, he could see a mysterious substance on Blanton's brim. The hat was bagged and sent to a third party laboratory, where technicians worked through the night to discover the molecular makeup of the spot and test it for any possible illegal substance. The results were delivered to MLB commissioner Bud Selig's hotel room this morning via Liberties Parcel. He states, "Aside from the results being revoltingly disgusting, there were no illegal substances found and I absolve both Joe Blanton and the Phillies organization of any wrong doing." A piece by piece break down of the lab results follows just below..

Rays Manager Joe Maddon Does Not Approve of Your Beer Choice

It's been widely regarded that Philadelphia fans are some of the toughest in sports. Although it's rarely discussed by the national media, the Philly fans even booed Santa Claus once. But not often do they get it in return, especially from the opposing team's manager.

During game 3 of the World Series Saturday night, Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon traded verbal jabs with some Phillies fans seated near the Rays dugout. However, at one point Maddon hit below the belt - attacking a man's choice in beer.

"Down by the dugout I had a good time with a bunch of guys sitting up in the stands. I was actually giving a guy a hard time for drinking Coors Light in Philadelphia," said Maddon. "We went back and forth with that, and I said 'where's the Schmidt's?' At least some Rolling Rock. Don't be going with Coors Light. It's so unfashionable for a Philly dude."

The Phunyun was able to catch up with Brandon Hudson who was Maddon's sparring partner and defends his beer choice.

"First of all I don't know where the hell Joe Maddon's been but the Schmidt's brewery closed in 1987, so maybe he should get some new references," said Hudson. "And secondly, I just grabbed a beer from the vendor who was selling in our section. Sorry I didn't want to wait in line and wanted to actually watch the game, unlike the fans in Tampa."

Friday, October 24, 2008

Sarah Palin Removes Curse From Flyers, Places It On St. Louis Blues

After the Flyers failed to win in their first six games following Sarah Palin's ceremonial puck drop for their season opener, the Republican Vice Presidential candidate removed the curse Friday night, placing it instead on the St. Louis Blues.

While campaigning in Missouri Friday, Palin made an appearance at the Scottrade Center to drop the puck before that night's Blues/Kings game. Meanwhile, 900 miles away in Newark, New Jersey, the Philadelphia Flyers broke out of a 3-2 deficit entering the second period to win their game against the New Jersey Devils 6-3. As expect, the Blues lost their match to the Kings 4-0.

Experts across the sports world agree Palin is placing some sort of curse on the home teams she drops the puck for. The self-described "hockey mom" is now being mentioned in the same breath as "The Curse of the Billy Goat," "The Curse of the Bambino" and "The Curse of Being the Clippers."

Oliver Klozoff, professor of Paranormal Studies at Temple University, says "The Palin Curse," like most of the other curses, is very real and should be taken seriously by any other NHL team thinking of allowing the VP candidate to drop the puck.

"A lot of people might look at this and say, 'oh that's just a coincidence' and those people are kidding themselves," said Klozoff. "There is something at work here, I don't know if it's because she feels there aren't enough Alaskans in the NHL or what. But I'll tell you this, if you see the Dallas Mavericks tank when the NBA season starts I think we have a real epidemic on our hands."

Klozoff also believes Palin's power is increasing and her potential to cause havoc on professional sports teams may be growing with each appearance.

"Take a look at tonight's game with the Blues," said Klozoff. "Not only did they get shut out by a bad Kings team, but their goalie was injured tripping over the carpet she walked out on. This is getting scary."

Before the ceremony involving Palin, Blues goalie Manny Legace accidentally stepped on the red carpet and tripped. Legace allowed two goals on 12 shots during the first period and did not return for the second period with what the team is calling a "lower body injury."

Calls to the Palin campaign were not returned by press time.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Phillies Relent to Fans, Howard to Sit, Myers to DH

Although he almost single-handedly put the Phillies in the playoffs with his September play, first baseman Ryan Howard will sit the bench tonight in a move that Phillies fans have been calling for since the playoffs began. Taking the place of Howard in the clean-up spot will be pitcher Brett Myers according to manager Charlie Manuel.

"People probably, you know, they probably don't know it, but like, I listen to advice from the fans," said Manuel. "And they make a good, you know they make a good point about Howard not hitting. So, we're going to give Myers a shot since, like, he's batting .800."

Streams of calls to sports radio stations, and sports blogs in the Philadelphia region have been calling for the benching of Howard with his .229 batting average during the playoffs. By contrast, Myers is batting a red-hot .800 over the same time span.

Phillies fan Andrew Christopher said he thinks this is the right decision.

"Howard fucking sucks," said Christopher. "He just sucks, I dunno."

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Phillies Choose Other Christopher Walken SNL Skit to Combat Rays' "More Cowbell"

One of the images and sounds that has become synonymous with the 2008 Major League Baseball playoffs has been Tampa Rays fans ringing cowbells and holding up signs reading "More Cowbell," a reference to a 2000 Saturday Night Live skit starring Christopher Walken. In an effort to combat this, the Philadelphia Phillies are asking fans to chant "wowee-wow-wow-wow" during the World Series.

John Brazer, director of publicity for the Phillies says "wowee-wow-wow-wow" gives fans who might not know the difference between a fair ball and a fair catch a reason to cheer.

"Let's be honest, by the time you're in the World Series, a lot of the people at the ballpark are just there because it's the cool place to be," said Brazer. "But as we saw in Tampa, where people clearly know and care nothing about baseball, a line from a Saturday Night Live skit can excite people who don't even know what baseball is."

The "wowee-wow-wow-wow" line comes from a recurring skit on SNL called The Continental starring Christopher Walken. Brazer says The Continental skit was chosen because of the popularity of Walken in the Cowbell skit, but also because The Continental had a longer track record.

"I mean you've got The Continental that appeared on SNL six times. Six Times!" said Brazer. "That Cowbell sketch only ran once and really it's Will Ferrell that makes that sketch funny."

As of press time it was unclear how the Phillies plan on implementing "wowee-wow-wow-wow" into the games at Citizens Bank Park, but they expect it to rank high in sports meme lure.

"It's going to rank up there with Rally Monkey for the Angels and the Tomahawk Chop for the Braves and Gino for the Celtics," said Brazer. "It'll be pretty huge."

Friday, October 17, 2008

Shane Victorino's Little Brother Arrested by Dog the Bounty Hunter.

The Phillies extended family has received yet another blow in the days leading up to their first World Series appearence since 1993. Just days after head coach Charlie Manuel lost his mother, Phillies centerfielder Shane Victorino received word that his little brother, Mau-hulo, had been apprehended by television star and bounty hunter, Duane Champman. Mau-hulo Victorino was sought after repeatedly missing court appearances before Hawaiin judges and was handed over to authorities by Dog and company early this morning. The world's most famous hunter of men said, "He's a good kid that just went in the wrong direction. He's going to jail, but things could be worse... he could be dating a black girl."

As if Victorino didn't have enough to worry about with the impending series, Shane must attend the funeral of his grandmother who just recently passed away. When asked if this would affect his performance on the field, Victorino stated, "No questions asked," before boarding a plane for his home island of Maui.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Republicans Crowd Philadelphia Streets After Third Presidential Debate

A sea of red filled the streets all over the Philadelphia region last night shortly after the end of the third Presidential debate aired last night. Although most news outlets called the debate a win for Barack Obama, the throng of Republican-red worn by those in the crowd seemed to show Philadelphians' support for John McCain.

This kind of spontaneous outpouring of support for a political candidate is virtually unheard of  and typically reserved for sporting events. But last night, about 45 minutes after the end of last night's Presidential debate in Hempstead, New York, thousands of McCain supporters filled streets, emptied bars and began honking car horns. Although some chants from the fans were inaudible, a clear "We won!" could be heard repeatedly from fans who believed McCain won the debate.

When asked what he thought of the night's events, Mike Hunt of Mayfair said, "Fuck the dodgers," a clear sign that he felt Barack Obama had dodged questions in the night's debate.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

MLB Tells Myers To Cover Ridiculous Facial Hair Before Tonight's Game

In his previous start last week again the Florida Marlins, Phillies pitcher Brett Myers was forced to cover his ugly, out-dated, white-trash tribal tattoo on his left wrist when it was deemed distracting to opposing batters. But Atlanta skipper Bobby Cox raised the bar in gamesmanship this week by asking Major League Baseball to not only force Myers to cover the tattoo, but to also cover his ridiculous facial hair when he pitches against Braves tonight.

"It's just them trying to get in my head," said Myers, who refused to shave his chin vagina and will instead wear a chin strap designed for people with sleeping disorders. "They can't get in my head, people have been trying to get in my head for years - fans, managers, pitching coaches, my wife - ain't gonna happen."

Braves catcher Brian McCann said there is validity to the distraction caused by the bush on Myers' chin. "You're up at the plate and you see this weird orange, redish thing hanging from his face and there's no way you can pay attention to the ball," said McCann. "I mean, all he does is throw fastballs so it shouldn't be that hard, but that Goddamn soul patch takes you out of your game."

But Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said it's just a feeble attempt to psych out the team. "You know, it's like, why would they ... you know, why would they be distracted? It's like, you know ... well first of all, I think, it's like ..."

Not effected by the facial hair ban is Phillies right fielder Jayson Werth, who will be allowed to patrol the outfield with his chin landing strip.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Lindros Cleared of All Charges in Friend's Mother's Death

Former Philadelphia Flyer Hockey Puck captain, Eric Lindros has been cleared of any involvement in the death of his close friend's mother. The investigation ended when the coroner's report listed cause of death as "natural causes." Suspicions arose last week when Lindros declined an invitation to attend a ceremony featuring all fifteen of the franchise's captains at the Spectrum for an exhibition game, citing his prior commitment to attend the memorial service of a friend's dead mother. Enraged by the negative response from his former prodigy, ex-general manager Bobby Clarke hired a private investigator to examine evidence and tail the Lindros family, including father Carl and mother Bonnie.

"Who sets up a memorial service that far in advance... and more importantly, who has a memorial service so late after the passing?" screamed an enraged Clarke in a recent interview. The famed forward player achieved glory back in the 7o's, leading the Flyers to two consecutive winning Championships as an integral part of the Broad Street Bullies. As GM, Clarke made a enormous trade to get Lindros and nearly won a Stanley Cup in 1997. He went on to say, "The little baby would rather kill another helpless human being and use it as excuse to not be in the same building as me."

Along with Clarke, the fans seem to be extremely upset by Lindros' refusal to attend. Bart Larame of Springfield states, "I just pulled two perfectly good pieces of duct tape off his name on the back of my jersey. Now I have to cover it up all over again. What a waste." The number 88 suffered various injuries and numerous concussions of the head while a Flyer, with his last game ending after a devastating check-hit from Devils' nemesis, Scott Stevens, in the 99-00 conference finals.

The Flyers vs. Carolina exhibition game and captain ceremony is Sept. 27th at 1 pm. The Spectrum will be demolished at the completion of the Phantoms AHL Hockey season.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Pete Rose Reinstated By MLB, Playing Under Various Phillies Aliases

During last night's Phillies/Nationals game, Philadelphia second baseman Chase Utley, who was at third base, took off for home when Washington pitcher John Lannan attempted a pick off at first base. Utley was tagged out at home, but not before sending Nationals catcher Jesus Flores to the hospital with a sprained ankle. Now, in a photo of the play obtained by The Phunyun, it appears the player racing home was not Utley, but former Phillie Pete Rose.

Last night marked the third time this season a Phillies player attempted to take out an opposing team's catcher. Earlier this season Eric Bruntlet gave Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina a concussion and in July, Shane Victorino ran over Braves catcher Brian McCann. But an investigation by The Phunyun shows these plays, and the Utley play last evening, were actually the work of Pete Rose, who in 1989 was banned from baseball.

Sources from within Major League Baseball confirm that a plan was devised in May to allow Rose to return to the game, first by assuming the role of other players. The MLB hired famed Hollywood make-up artist Terri Simon to make Rose look like a number of Phillies players throughout the season. Each of the plays in question are eerily similar to the infamous "Ray Fosse incident" Rose was involved in in 1970.

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel refused to confirm that Rose was playing for his team, but he did say, "Pete Rose ain't never worn no lipstick or rouge, I'll tell ya that."

Spokespeople for the Braves, Cardinals and Nationals each said they are considering disputing the games in which Rose was involved.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Mendte to Receive Pardon from President Bush

Beleagured former KYW-Tv Newscaster Larry Mendte pleaded guilty in court Friday to charges that he illegally hacked into the email account of his co-anchor, Alycia Lane. Sources close to the Phunyun believe that if sentenced to a prison term, Mendte will be pardoned by President George W. Bush. These rumors have spurred on rampant speculation that Mendte has given up the news in order to pursue a career in internet surveillance, gaining intelligence to fight the war on terror.

Alabaster Le'Creme, Public Affairs officer for the Women's U.S. Gymnastics squad, believes that the anonymous hacker who exposed the Chinese ruse involving the use of underage gymnists to win the gold in these 2008 Summer Olympics was none other than Larry Mendte. He states, "The man has had a ton of time on his hands recently, and he obviously has a gift. So many people are looking at this thing from the wrong angle."

Family and friends of Mendte blame his recent troubles on the film, Swordfish, starring Hugh Jackman as a hacker who must use his web talent to get back his daughter. The former host of prime-time CBS 3 news received the movie as a gift this past Christmas. Mendte faces a possible 5 years in prison.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

For Philadelphia Residents, "The Shore" May Not Be So Far Away

With rising gas prices, more Philadelphia area residents have chosen to stay closer to the area for their vacations. In an effort to please some of these "stay-cationers" and hopefully take some tourism dollars from the Jersey shore, Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter has commissioned Japanese construction firm Icanhaz Properties to build five artificial islands off the coast of Penn's Landing, three of which has already been completed.

Nutter said the idea for the islands came from the artificial islands built off the coast of Dubai in the shapes of palm trees and the Earth, but also because it has become so difficult to build anything on the Penn's Landing site.

"We are really doing something that we haven't seen anywhere else in this country, and we're using the beautiful Delaware River to our advantage," said Nutter. "We might not be able to provide our citizens with Wi-Fi, but we can sure as hell get them some islands."

The building of the islands has been no small task with over 600 million cubic feet of stone, rock and sand used to construct the three completed islands. Nutter said the material for the build has come from a number of different places.

"We did a little bit of dredging, that's where the bulk of the material came from," said Nutter. "But we had a ton of dirt left over from the Disney hole and the convention center expansion, so why not just dump it in the Delaware."

The islands completed are in the shape of iconic Philadelphia images and will eventually hold hotels and shopping venues for visitors. The first island to be completed was in the shape of the Rocky statue and has been named "Yo Island," followed by "Crack Island" in the shape of the Liberty Bell and "Pat's Steak Island" which was funded in part by the famous cheesesteak shop.

Nutter said all five islands should be completed by Memorial Day 2009, the traditional start of the summer season. Bookings for private islands and hotels are being handled at

WYSP Changes Formats, Attracting Much Sought-After "White Trash" Demographic

Radio listeners were in for some changes yesterday morning when they turned their dials to WYSP (94.1 FM) and heard bands like Foghat and The Scorpions on their way into work. The change of formats, to what YSP is calling "The Rock You Grew Up With," targets the much sought-after "white trash" market.

WYSP, which is owned by CBS Radio, believes their format change will strike a blow to similarly formatted stations in the Philadelphia area, and seems to be setting their sights on long-time owner of the white-trash radio population, WMMR (93.3 FM).

"We're going to rip the heart out of WMMR," said YSP operations manager Andy Bloom. "If you've got a 1977 El Camino with the transmission ripped out on your front lawn, if you wear shorts in the winter to show off your sweet calf tattoo, if you have a tv sitting on top of your tv ... you might be a YSP listener."

Local residents had mixed reactions to the format change. Mike Belkin of Linwood, Delaware County, said the change is just what he's been looking for.

"Finally there's a place where I can hear Lynyrd Skynrd, Def Leppard and Metallica without changing stations," said Belkin. "My girlfriend's going to love it too. So will my ex-wife, and mothers of my five kids.

But local hipster Stephan Idaips said this is just more of the same from Philadelphia radio.

"Once again there's nowhere for me to listen to the music I want to hear," said Idaips. "Where am I going to hear The Creaky Boards, or VCR-legs or Wolfman Weekday? You don't even know what I'm talking about, do you?"

The Phunyun archives show this latest format change is the 89th change for the WYSP in the last decade.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Obama's Pick of Biden for Veep Teaches Country Delaware Actually a Real State

At 3 a.m. Saturday, Barack Obama's campaign team sent out a text message and e-mail announcing his choice of Joseph Biden for his running mate for the 2008 Presidential run. While the move was hailed by many for Biden's experience in foreign matters, it seems the choice also served to point out to America that Delaware is in fact an actual state.

In picking the 35-year senator as his running mate, Obama's campaign immediately gained political experience, one of the main knocks on the first-term Illinois senator. But many Democratic insiders are pointing out that the choice also moved the state of Delaware into the spotlight, giving it legitimacy as an "actual state."

"I would go to conventions or talk to folks when I was on vacation an tell them I was from Delaware and people would just laugh," said Marlon Brown, head of the Delaware Democratic Party. "Now I think people will stop doing that little scene from Wayne's World, saying 'We're in Delaware' ... all sarcastic like."

With little going for the state other than it's distinction as the "First State," many in Delaware are hoping Biden, and the potential of having him in the White House, might be a boon for the state. Longtime Delaware resident Delbert Bard said the possibility of having a Vice President of the United States from Delaware marks one of the most exciting things to happen in the state in years.

"This is probably the biggest thing to happen to Delaware since DuPont discovered Teflon in 1938," said Bard. "Either that or when we had that public flogging back in 1952. Tell you what, you bring back some public whippings and ...."

Senator Biden is scheduled to speak at the Democratic National Convention in Denver on Wednesday night.