Who's the Boss Actor Attends North East High Orientation

Tony Danza pictured in front of North East High School in Philadelphia

In a 3-1 vote just days ago, the School Reform board approved television and film star, Tony Danza, to shoot the new reality series "Teach" at North East High School in Philadelphia. The show won't air till sometime in 2010 on A&E, but that didn't stop its star from getting up-to-speed by attending his teacher's orientation. "I've played a male-nanny, a baseball pitcher, and a field goal kicking trash man, but teacher is the toughest role I'm ever gonna play."

The 58 year old Brooklyn native recently moved into a duplex on the corner of Pennway and Brighton Streets, just blocks from North East High. He states, "I wanted to be close to the kids and the school... and the 7-11." Danza currently holds a bachelors degree in history education from the University of Dubuque, and will team up with a primary teacher once school starts this week. Cameras will remain hidden so the students can feel more comfortable, and the school has permission to cancel the series if they feel the show is becoming a distraction. Prospective "Teach." Sophomore, Johnathan Monangela shared, "Its cool for the school and all, to have like, a famous guy teaching class... plus, Alyssa Milano... I'd hit that."

The Phunyun was able to procure a copy of Danza's syllabus, which contains an interesting curriculum. Firstly, his class's grading policy will not be based on the traditional A-F scale. Rather, students will receive either a passing grade of "Ay-oh" or a failing grade of "Oh-ay." And secondly, students are expected to recite the theme song to "Who's the Boss?" on command no matter where they may cross Danza's path: the halls, the cafeteria, even the bathroom.

A&E hopes "Teach" can match the popularity and dedicated viewership of its other Philly-based reality series, "Parking Wars". The original prospective cast to host "Teach." included John Ritter and Christopher Reeves, but they both died.

Corp. Sponsors Follow Eagles Lead, Give Vick "2nd Chance"

In April of 2007, then Atlanta quarterbacking runner, Michael Vick, was convicted of felony charges for his involvement in a large unlawful interstate dog fighting ring. He was sentenced to 2 years of prison time, was indefinitely suspended by the National Footballing League, lost all his corporate sponsors and had to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. He lost everything. One of those sponsors was Vicks Chemical Group, makers of numerous health products including the world famous "Vicks Vapo Rub." CEO of Procter & Gamble, William Suitsky stated, "It was a win win situation. He did amazing things on the field... we did amazing things on your chest, but he blew it."

Suitsky demanded his marketing team remove Vick from all promotional materials, including displays and the bottles of rub themselves. He even went as far as removing the name Vicks from the label, something that had been around since 1890. He states, "To be honest, it hurt business. Nobody wants to just buy Bob's Vapo Rub... they want Vicks."

Meanwhile, Vick completed his prison sentence and was re-instated into the league by commissioner Roger Goodell in July, where he was promptly signed to a 1 year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. Head play coach, Andy Reid fought hard and long to convince owner Jeffery Lurie to sign Vick. Reid stated, "Everyone deserves to get seconds..."

When asked how the partnership between number wearing 7 and Procter & Gamble was revisited, Suitsky replied, "It all started with a phone call." Former Horse Colts head play coach Tony Dungy contacted the corporation and told them that Michael Vick was a changed man. "Mr. Dungy was pretty adamant about Michael seeing the error of his ways. I have a hard time trusting black people, but I'm willing to give Mr. Vick a second chance." When told that Tony Dungy was also black, Suitsky responded by laughing hysterically.

Calls were made to all of Vick's former sponsors, including Nike, EA Sports, Coca-Cola and Hasbro with a response of "no comment."

Notes: Michael Vick will be eligible for football play by Week 6 of the Eagles game season at the latest. He can participate in all practices and meetings, and the final two preseason footballing games. Vick is more known for his ability to speed run and less for his ability to arm throw football passes.

Philly Strip Clubs Spoof World Series Promotion Offering "Free Pink Taco..."

Taco Bell is running a World Series promotion giving out free tacos today, Oct. the 28th, thanks in part to the base stealing abilities of Tampa Bay's Jason Bartlett. Between the hours of 2 and 6pm, for one day only, patrons can enter any Taco Bell across the country and receive their free taco. A few local Phialdelphia strip clubs have taken this idea and run with it in a complete opposite (and much more enticing) direction. DayDreams, Cheerleaders, Show n' Tell, and other particpating clubs will open tonight at 10pm with free admission and one complimentary lap dance for males wearing a Phillies jersey as part of their "Free Pink Taco" promotion.

Phillies Call In Bejing Olympic Weather Modification Team to Halt Downpour...

A select team of 30 members of the Bureau of Weather Modification, one of the largest organizations in the world, touched down at Philadelphia International Airport early this morning with one thing on their mind: STOP THAT RAIN. The BWM's spokeperson, Wang Cheung, states, "We received a carr rate rast night from the Phiraderphia Phirries, asking us to herp hart the incrimate weather that is currentry hitting the city." When asked why he was talking this way, Cheung did three backflips and disappeared. This team, part of the 37,000 member army that the BWM has become, is called into action whenever parts of the world are struck by an unusual drought. But much like they did in Bejing for the 2008 Olympics, they are now being called upon to stop the rain from falling over a particular geographical region, that being Citizen's Bank Park.

A translator for lead BWM weapons specialist, General Kara Teechop shared, "We basically shoot various items up into the clouds, like silver iodide, salts, dry ice, Craisins, and rubber bands." This form of "rain mitigation" helped open a small window of perfect weather for the Chinese games, keeping the patrons inside the Birds Nest in downtown Bejing high and dry. When asked if he was concerned that perhaps this process could cause a drought in the Philadelphia region for a prolonged amount of time, Mayor Nutter stated, "I'd trade an agricultural drought for a championship drought anyday."

Shane Victorino's Little Brother Arrested by Dog the Bounty Hunter.

The Phillies extended family has received yet another blow in the days leading up to their first World Series appearence since 1993. Just days after head coach Charlie Manuel lost his mother, Phillies centerfielder Shane Victorino received word that his little brother, Mau-hulo, had been apprehended by television star and bounty hunter, Duane Champman. Mau-hulo Victorino was sought after repeatedly missing court appearances before Hawaiin judges and was handed over to authorities by Dog and company early this morning. The world's most famous hunter of men said, "He's a good kid that just went in the wrong direction. He's going to jail, but things could be worse... he could be dating a black girl."

As if Victorino didn't have enough to worry about with the impending series, Shane must attend the funeral of his grandmother who just recently passed away. When asked if this would affect his performance on the field, Victorino stated, "No questions asked," before boarding a plane for his home island of Maui.

Philadelphia Zoo Unveils Newest Attraction: Walrus Imitates Andy Reid!

(photo via Scoop Ketchems, AP)

Just in time for the start of the 2008-09 football season, the Philadelphia Zoo plans to unveil it's newest attraction, an Andy Reid impersonating walrus. Now before you go calling the SPCA, you must realize that this is not your ordinary case of animal exploitation. One day, a zoo patron wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hat got too close to the edge of one of the aquatic tanks. A gust of wind lifted the cap off the upset zoo-goer and dropped it down into the water. The inhabitant of the tank, a walrus who the employees now call "Big Red" swam up and under that hat and has been wearing it ever since.

Albert Robards, head custodial engineer of the aquatic mammal division at the zoo states, "He absolutely loves the attention. At first we just joked that he looked like Coach Reid in the hat, but he completely embraced the roll." Apparently, many of the zoo-workers gather round a television on Sundays and watch the game, and now they have a rather unlikely guest. "We've taught him to do the throat clear, and we had an outside clothier create the huge black jacket and phony head-set."

And for the grand finale? "At the end of the game, he slides up on the land platform in his tank and gets behind a make shift podium with a microphone." After weeks of training and practice, the walrus has learned how to bark out something that slightly resembles Coach Reid's signature catch phrase: The time is yours.

If you were wondering where the similarities between Reid and his long tusked counterpart end, look no further than their records in the big game. Cynthia Altair, head of public relations states, "We started this promotional contest across the U.S. called the Zoo-per Bowl, where select groups of animals from major cities compete for a trophy. This year, B.R. coached his team of trained seals to a victory over some animals from the Franklin Park zoo in New England."

When I reminded Ms. Altair that Andy Reid had in fact won a Super Bowl ring, she was quick to correct me. "He wasn't the head coach on that one. Plus, it wasn't in Philly... and as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters."

Local Scientist Discovers/Isolates "Wooder" Gland

A local scientist has documented an undiscovered gland specific to mouths of persons living in and around the Philadelphia area. This extra growth can be found in the back of the throat and is shown to be the key contributing factor in their mis-pronunciation of the word "water."

Sheena E. Stone, head of Otolaryngology research at DuPont in Delaware states, "It is a rather amazing discovery for the medical field and a huge piece of evidence promoting the theory of evolution." The gathering of tissue at the base of the tongue, near the trachea shortens the extension of the tongue making the flick of the customary "wat" in water, sound more a like a "wood."

The discovery was made while applying a new form of lip gloss developed by cosmetics giant Bausch and Lomb on test subjects from the Tri-State area. An allergic reaction occurred on all the participants except for those from Philadelphia. Scientists have since performed further testing and discovered that the gland acts as a defense booster for the immune system, counter-attacking toxins that can be found in everyday items, such as buffalo wing sauce, the glue in plain white sneakers, and the metallic coating in fake gold jewelry.

Marine Returns From Iraq, Immediately Returns to Iraq

The Iraq War began on March 20, 2003 and has lead to 4,134 U.S. casualties. There are daily kidnappings, bombings, and bloodshed on every corner. But don't tell that to U.S. Marine Donald Ginslow. He recently completed his third tour of duty in the Middle East and returned to his West Philadelphia home for some "R&R". Five days later, the house went up for sale.

He states, "You have grandmothers carrying handguns, people dying every night. There's crazies walking the streets, coming for your children. And if SEPTA raises their rates one more time, I swear I'll..."

As the 2008 election quickly approaches, and talks lead to the eventual return of all U.S. Troops, Ginslow can't wait to get back overseas. He recently put a downpayment on a two story home near the outskirts of Fallujah, with a scenic view of a local bridge that spans the Euphrates.

"Honestly, Iraq was huge mistake and the area is a complete mess, but its nothing like living in West Philadelphia. You can't find a damn trash can anywhere, and everything smells like poopie."

LOLcat Becomes Required Learning in Philly School District

In a stunning decision made late Friday evening, the Philadelphia School District voted 6 to 4 in favor of a new policy that requires 75 % of all Philadelphia public schools make LOLcat a requirement of their current curriculum. Superintendent of schools, Dr. Arlene C. Ackerman made the official announcement of the new movement within the school district and plans are now in place to make LOLcat mandatory in all Philadelphia schools by the Fall of 2010. She stated, "With the progression of technology in today's world of schooling, we have all come to the agreement that communication has to become faster and more modern in order to keep up."

Before the implementation of this new policy, students were required to select Spanish, French, German, or Italian as an elective in order to graduate. Philip K. Spectrum, a 10th grader at Central High states, "I CAN HAZ no choice? MAH father DO WANT me to learn Spanish. But TEH SCHOOLZ says that's MAH problem."

Along with regular courses in LOLcat, students in Track 1 or an advanced placement levels are also offered lessons in LOLrus, with a intense focus on discovery of "bucket." These particular courses count towards legitimate college credit at select schools within the Philadelphia region.

Philly Gets Transformers 2, Camden Gets the GoBots

(Above: Early conceptual art for GoBots: The Movie © 2007)

An article on Camden and its western suburbs finding their place as locations for Hollywood motion pictures has appeared on the site of NJ Motion Picture & Television Commission. Amongst the many movies listed for using Camden as the location to shoot their materials, GoBots: The Movie is named by the article as possibly also shooting here.

The GPFO website (film.org) headed by Sharon Pinkenson dismissed the claims of a "rival robot transforming into a human vehicle" movie just across the river as just a rumor. She states, "We have a world renowned director in Michael Bay, a world renowned duo of young actors in Megan Fox and Shia Lebouf, and a franchise in Transformers that's loved by millions around the world. There's no time to speculate about the revival of a half rate children's franchise that aired on USA networks back in the 90's."

Unbeknownst to Pinkenson, the cartoon in fact aired in 1984-85, beating the original Transformers cartoon to the air and running for 66 episodes. As of yesterday morning, the only talent rumored to be attached to the rival robot action film is "Golden Girl" favorite, Bea Arthur as the voice of Crasher.

Rittenhouse Square to become Circle

Preliminary plans began today at City Hall under the watchful eye of Mayor Nutter. His mission is to completely redesign the section of the city known as Rittenhouse Square. The city landmark was known as the southwest square until 1825 when it was named for the astronomer-clockmaker, David Rittenhouse. He's dead now, and various city officials feel that the popular area could use a much needed face lift.

"For years, this particular area has brought together all types of people from all walks of life, but at the same time has forced them to decide which of the four sides of the square they wished to occupy," states Nutter. The mayor went on to say that patrons of the former Square can eventually "meet their people in the middle." When asked what he would place at the center of the newly formed Rittenhouse Circle upon the completion of construction, Mayor Nutter responded, "something creamy."