MLB Tells Myers To Cover Ridiculous Facial Hair Before Tonight's Game

In his previous start last week again the Florida Marlins, Phillies pitcher Brett Myers was forced to cover his ugly, out-dated, white-trash tribal tattoo on his left wrist when it was deemed distracting to opposing batters. But Atlanta skipper Bobby Cox raised the bar in gamesmanship this week by asking Major League Baseball to not only force Myers to cover the tattoo, but to also cover his ridiculous facial hair when he pitches against Braves tonight.

"It's just them trying to get in my head," said Myers, who refused to shave his chin vagina and will instead wear a chin strap designed for people with sleeping disorders. "They can't get in my head, people have been trying to get in my head for years - fans, managers, pitching coaches, my wife - ain't gonna happen."

Braves catcher Brian McCann said there is validity to the distraction caused by the bush on Myers' chin. "You're up at the plate and you see this weird orange, redish thing hanging from his face and there's no way you can pay attention to the ball," said McCann. "I mean, all he does is throw fastballs so it shouldn't be that hard, but that Goddamn soul patch takes you out of your game."

But Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said it's just a feeble attempt to psych out the team. "You know, it's like, why would they ... you know, why would they be distracted? It's like, you know ... well first of all, I think, it's like ..."

Not effected by the facial hair ban is Phillies right fielder Jayson Werth, who will be allowed to patrol the outfield with his chin landing strip.