Local Scientist Discovers/Isolates "Wooder" Gland

A local scientist has documented an undiscovered gland specific to mouths of persons living in and around the Philadelphia area. This extra growth can be found in the back of the throat and is shown to be the key contributing factor in their mis-pronunciation of the word "water."

Sheena E. Stone, head of Otolaryngology research at DuPont in Delaware states, "It is a rather amazing discovery for the medical field and a huge piece of evidence promoting the theory of evolution." The gathering of tissue at the base of the tongue, near the trachea shortens the extension of the tongue making the flick of the customary "wat" in water, sound more a like a "wood."

The discovery was made while applying a new form of lip gloss developed by cosmetics giant Bausch and Lomb on test subjects from the Tri-State area. An allergic reaction occurred on all the participants except for those from Philadelphia. Scientists have since performed further testing and discovered that the gland acts as a defense booster for the immune system, counter-attacking toxins that can be found in everyday items, such as buffalo wing sauce, the glue in plain white sneakers, and the metallic coating in fake gold jewelry.