Philadelphia Residents Take Out 25 Years of Frustration on William Penn Statue

The William Penn statue, sitting atop Philadelphia's City Hall has long been rumored to be the cause of the city's sports failures. But with Wednesday night's World Series win by the Phillies a select number of fans are making sure the curse is dead for good by tearing down the iconic structure.

Following celebrations that went into the early hours of Thursday an unidentified number of assailants gained access to a FOX-29 helicopter with the intention of removing the William Penn statue from it's perch. By 8:30 a.m. the perpetrators were hovering above City Hall, had fastened a harness around the statue and were attempting to remove the statue from it's moorings.

The Phunyun was able to conduct a brief phone interview with a member of group who asked to remain anonymous and said he wanted to make sure other didn't have to suffer as long as he did.

"Look, I'm 30 and I don't remember 1980 or '83 and I don't want my kids or my kids' kids to have to wait their entire lives to see a championship," said the group's leader. "Not that I have kids, or even want them. I mean I can't take care of myself barely, I'm stealing helicopters for fuck's sake. Shit, I'm thinking maybe this wasn't a good idea now that I'm sobering up."

The group has gained some followers who agree William Penn was the source of their sports misery for the past 25 years. Justin Eyem said he would like to take out his frustrations on the statute.

"I've been waiting my whole life for a championship," said Eyem. "If that statue was in front of me right now I would probably beat the shit out of it."

The group hopes to have the statue fully removed later this morning. In a surprising move the city has yet to stop the statue's removal and Mayor Nutter's office was unavailable for comment by press time.

For Philadelphia Residents, "The Shore" May Not Be So Far Away

With rising gas prices, more Philadelphia area residents have chosen to stay closer to the area for their vacations. In an effort to please some of these "stay-cationers" and hopefully take some tourism dollars from the Jersey shore, Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter has commissioned Japanese construction firm Icanhaz Properties to build five artificial islands off the coast of Penn's Landing, three of which has already been completed.

Nutter said the idea for the islands came from the artificial islands built off the coast of Dubai in the shapes of palm trees and the Earth, but also because it has become so difficult to build anything on the Penn's Landing site.

"We are really doing something that we haven't seen anywhere else in this country, and we're using the beautiful Delaware River to our advantage," said Nutter. "We might not be able to provide our citizens with Wi-Fi, but we can sure as hell get them some islands."

The building of the islands has been no small task with over 600 million cubic feet of stone, rock and sand used to construct the three completed islands. Nutter said the material for the build has come from a number of different places.

"We did a little bit of dredging, that's where the bulk of the material came from," said Nutter. "But we had a ton of dirt left over from the Disney hole and the convention center expansion, so why not just dump it in the Delaware."

The islands completed are in the shape of iconic Philadelphia images and will eventually hold hotels and shopping venues for visitors. The first island to be completed was in the shape of the Rocky statue and has been named "Yo Island," followed by "Crack Island" in the shape of the Liberty Bell and "Pat's Steak Island" which was funded in part by the famous cheesesteak shop.

Nutter said all five islands should be completed by Memorial Day 2009, the traditional start of the summer season. Bookings for private islands and hotels are being handled at www.phillyshore.com.

Camden Mayor Says City About To Turn Corner ... No Seriously This Time

At a press conference outside of the historic RCA Building, which has been undergoing renovations for over five years, Camden, New Jersey Mayor Gwendolyn Faison said the city is about to turn the corner and eventually return its the glory days of the early 20th Century. Repeatedly during the press conference Faison asked reporters to hold down their laughter saying, "No, I'm serious."

For dozens of years the "Camden Turnaround" has been bandied about by lawmakers and business people on both sides of the Delaware River, but Faison said some recent developments have her believing the city is on the upswing.

"I'm sure you all saw the reports recently coming out of this city, and this really tells me things are changing for the better," said Faison. "We had a 44 pound cat walking the streets of Camden, now if you've got a 44 pound cat, things are good."

But Faison was quick to point out that changes are necessary if the city is to reach the front page of the paper for things other than obese felines and crime.

"The truth is we need to get more white people around here, but they're all too scared," she said. "There's more to Camden than an unaffiliated minor league baseball team or an aquarium or an amphitheater for a bunch of white folks to see Journey and Cheap Trick. OK, there's not much more, but there's more."

When asked what about future plans to draw more residents and tourists to the city, Faison said her office intends on drawing on help from what she called "our friends across the river, particularly Mayor Nutter."

Asked for comment on if and how his office planned on helping Camden and Faison, Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter responded by saying "Where? Oh the place with the Excitement Aquarium or whatever? Yea sure, tell her to call my people."

Nutter to Impliment New "Tuck" Rule

On March 31st of 2008, Mayor Nutter threw out the celebratory first pitch at Citizen's Bank Park in front of 44,000 Phillies fans, but not many people saw it. Their eyes were full of tears, bellies were full of laughter, and hands were waving in the air in sheer disbelief. "How could a man tuck his baseball jersey into his jeans?" asked Marsha Taylor of Marcus Hook, a Phillies Season ticket holder since 1994. At the time, it seemed like a viable question, but who's laughing now? Certainly not the likes of Bottega Veneta, Dolce & Gabbana, Emilio Pucci, and Versace.

Fast forward to the recent Milan Fashion Week Summer 2008 and the Mayor's influence can be seen everywhere. World famous designers are tucking high price, high quality fabric blouses and tops into fashion's hottest jeans. Suit coats, flannel tops, and tanks are disappearing into high-set jeans all around the globe. Experts say it won't be long before the common consumer will be able to pick up Nutter's infamous look at Target, Wal-mart and Sears.

Mayor Nutter's office had not returned our call as of this publication.