Philadelphia Residents Take Out 25 Years of Frustration on William Penn Statue

The William Penn statue, sitting atop Philadelphia's City Hall has long been rumored to be the cause of the city's sports failures. But with Wednesday night's World Series win by the Phillies a select number of fans are making sure the curse is dead for good by tearing down the iconic structure.

Following celebrations that went into the early hours of Thursday an unidentified number of assailants gained access to a FOX-29 helicopter with the intention of removing the William Penn statue from it's perch. By 8:30 a.m. the perpetrators were hovering above City Hall, had fastened a harness around the statue and were attempting to remove the statue from it's moorings.

The Phunyun was able to conduct a brief phone interview with a member of group who asked to remain anonymous and said he wanted to make sure other didn't have to suffer as long as he did.

"Look, I'm 30 and I don't remember 1980 or '83 and I don't want my kids or my kids' kids to have to wait their entire lives to see a championship," said the group's leader. "Not that I have kids, or even want them. I mean I can't take care of myself barely, I'm stealing helicopters for fuck's sake. Shit, I'm thinking maybe this wasn't a good idea now that I'm sobering up."

The group has gained some followers who agree William Penn was the source of their sports misery for the past 25 years. Justin Eyem said he would like to take out his frustrations on the statute.

"I've been waiting my whole life for a championship," said Eyem. "If that statue was in front of me right now I would probably beat the shit out of it."

The group hopes to have the statue fully removed later this morning. In a surprising move the city has yet to stop the statue's removal and Mayor Nutter's office was unavailable for comment by press time.

PHILS WIN THE WORLD SERIES OF BASEBALL GAMING...

... No really, they did!!! 2008 Champions!!!

Billy Penn/the Philly Curse WANTED Dead or Alive

On the road to the world series in 1993, the Phillies fitted the William Penn statue atop City Hall with an oversized red Phillies cap. In 1997, the Flyers adorned Penn with an oversized orange away hockey jersey. Both resulted in heartbreaking loses and neither were successful in ending the "philly curse". In the 2001 NBA finals and the 2005 Superbowl, the Sixers and Eagles respectively left the statue untouched. The result: still no championship. This Sunday, the San Jose Sabrecats (13-5) and your very own Philadelphia Soul (15-3) will meet for Arena Bowl XXII in New Orleans. When asked if he was nervous about combating not only San Jose but also the supernatural, Soul co-owner and Jersey native rocker Jon Bon Jovi said, "No... I have a secret weapon."

This morning, the William Penn statue atop City Hall has been covered in an enormous replica of Bon Jovi's fashionable '80s performing attire. Upon viewing the statue, Mel Gross, a Soul season ticket holder from Strawberry Mansion stated, "I cannot believe he actualy wore that. But it worked for him then and hopefully it will work for me and the Soul fans this weekend." 

Ron Jaworski, the more football oriented half of the Soul ownership, feels he owes the fans of Philadelphia a championship after quarterbacking the Eagles to a loss in Super Bowl XV. But does he think an Arena Football championship constitutes an end to the curse? "Of course it would. Arena Football is not a fad and the strong fan base here in Philadelphia proves that." 

Bon Jovi added, "A championship is a championship, and we're here to make sure that the people of this city get their parade."

"The William Penn Curse" began in March of 1987 with the completion of One Liberty Place in Center City. The new skyscraper exceeded the height of City Hall, atop which the Penn statue resides. Philadelphia has since failed to win a sports championship.

The Soul are making their first ever ArenaBowl appearance this Sunday, July 27 at 3 pm on ESPN and ABC in HD.