Michael Vick Out Against Panthers, Ron Mexico In

When the Eagles take the field against the Carolina Panthers Thursday night many expect recent signee Michael Vick to be part of the Philadelphia contingent, but sources close to the team tell The Phunyun that no player wearing a Vick jersey will appear on the field that evening.

Instead, wearing number 7 for the Eagles will be Ron Mexico, the name Vick has legally taken following the outrage after his signing earlier this month.

Some might find the name change as a surprise, but there is some precedent.

In 2005, a female healthcare worker filed a lawsuit against Vick, claiming that she contracted herpes simplex 2 after having unprotected sex with the Atlanta Falcons QB. In the lawsuit, the woman claimed Vick knew he had herpes after being tested multiple times for the disease under the name Ron Mexico.

Although the case was settled out of court with Vick never acknowledging his use of the pseudonym, he has now decided to embrace the Ron Mexico moniker, saying the embarrassment surrounding the name is easier to handle than what he went to jail for.

"Who wants to go around admitting that they have herpes?" Mexico (nee Vick) said in an exclusive interview with The Phunyun. "But I just had to ask myself, 'what's easier to swallow, having herpes or killing and electrocuting puppies?' I'm going with herpes."

As with most decisions surrounding the former No. 1 pick, the Eagles were heavily involved in the evolution of Michael Vick to Ron Mexico.

"This wasn't necessarily a 'football decision,'" said Eagles president Joe Banner. "But sometimes you have to look at things from a PR perspective. And at the end of the day what's an easier thing to sell to public? Using a false name to see if you have herpes or forcing dogs into death matches and allegedly hanging them? I'm going herpes every time."

The decision to change Vick's name to Ron Mexico may have financial repercussions for the Eagles who will be unable to sell Mexico jerseys in stores or online because of a ban on the name by the NFL.

But some, like Philadelphia resident Charlie Balducci says he's showing his solidarity with the Eagles QB in another way.

"Look, who out there can saw we didn't go down to Cancun for spring break or something and not come back with a present we didn't exactly want?" said the 38-year-old mechanic. "You know what I'm saying? A little Valtrex. Boom! All better."

While the name change seems to get the Eagles and their new player one step ahead of the backlash from PETA and a variety of other groups, a new challenge may be facing the team and its quarterback in the coming months.

According to sources south of the border, Mexican President Felipe Calderon is considering a boycott of Philadelphia-based products if Mexico takes the field Thursday night.

Corp. Sponsors Follow Eagles Lead, Give Vick "2nd Chance"

In April of 2007, then Atlanta quarterbacking runner, Michael Vick, was convicted of felony charges for his involvement in a large unlawful interstate dog fighting ring. He was sentenced to 2 years of prison time, was indefinitely suspended by the National Footballing League, lost all his corporate sponsors and had to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. He lost everything. One of those sponsors was Vicks Chemical Group, makers of numerous health products including the world famous "Vicks Vapo Rub." CEO of Procter & Gamble, William Suitsky stated, "It was a win win situation. He did amazing things on the field... we did amazing things on your chest, but he blew it."

Suitsky demanded his marketing team remove Vick from all promotional materials, including displays and the bottles of rub themselves. He even went as far as removing the name Vicks from the label, something that had been around since 1890. He states, "To be honest, it hurt business. Nobody wants to just buy Bob's Vapo Rub... they want Vicks."

Meanwhile, Vick completed his prison sentence and was re-instated into the league by commissioner Roger Goodell in July, where he was promptly signed to a 1 year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. Head play coach, Andy Reid fought hard and long to convince owner Jeffery Lurie to sign Vick. Reid stated, "Everyone deserves to get seconds..."

When asked how the partnership between number wearing 7 and Procter & Gamble was revisited, Suitsky replied, "It all started with a phone call." Former Horse Colts head play coach Tony Dungy contacted the corporation and told them that Michael Vick was a changed man. "Mr. Dungy was pretty adamant about Michael seeing the error of his ways. I have a hard time trusting black people, but I'm willing to give Mr. Vick a second chance." When told that Tony Dungy was also black, Suitsky responded by laughing hysterically.

Calls were made to all of Vick's former sponsors, including Nike, EA Sports, Coca-Cola and Hasbro with a response of "no comment."

Notes: Michael Vick will be eligible for football play by Week 6 of the Eagles game season at the latest. He can participate in all practices and meetings, and the final two preseason footballing games. Vick is more known for his ability to speed run and less for his ability to arm throw football passes.

Philadelphia Zoo Unveils Newest Attraction: Walrus Imitates Andy Reid!

(photo via Scoop Ketchems, AP)

Just in time for the start of the 2008-09 football season, the Philadelphia Zoo plans to unveil it's newest attraction, an Andy Reid impersonating walrus. Now before you go calling the SPCA, you must realize that this is not your ordinary case of animal exploitation. One day, a zoo patron wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hat got too close to the edge of one of the aquatic tanks. A gust of wind lifted the cap off the upset zoo-goer and dropped it down into the water. The inhabitant of the tank, a walrus who the employees now call "Big Red" swam up and under that hat and has been wearing it ever since.

Albert Robards, head custodial engineer of the aquatic mammal division at the zoo states, "He absolutely loves the attention. At first we just joked that he looked like Coach Reid in the hat, but he completely embraced the roll." Apparently, many of the zoo-workers gather round a television on Sundays and watch the game, and now they have a rather unlikely guest. "We've taught him to do the throat clear, and we had an outside clothier create the huge black jacket and phony head-set."

And for the grand finale? "At the end of the game, he slides up on the land platform in his tank and gets behind a make shift podium with a microphone." After weeks of training and practice, the walrus has learned how to bark out something that slightly resembles Coach Reid's signature catch phrase: The time is yours.

If you were wondering where the similarities between Reid and his long tusked counterpart end, look no further than their records in the big game. Cynthia Altair, head of public relations states, "We started this promotional contest across the U.S. called the Zoo-per Bowl, where select groups of animals from major cities compete for a trophy. This year, B.R. coached his team of trained seals to a victory over some animals from the Franklin Park zoo in New England."

When I reminded Ms. Altair that Andy Reid had in fact won a Super Bowl ring, she was quick to correct me. "He wasn't the head coach on that one. Plus, it wasn't in Philly... and as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters."

BREAKING NEWS: Tell All Book says, "Merrill Reese is a Hand-Puppet."

A newly published book that focuses on exposing the secrets of local sportscasters has hit national store shelves. Play by Play: Philly Commentators Exposed is a blistering literary attack on some of the most famous Philadelphia sports personalities, including the Eagles' own Merrill Reese. According to author Tabor Jansens, Reese is in fact a hand puppet in one of the world's most sophisticated ventriloquist acts, operated by none other than partner and five time Pro-Bowl receiver, Mike Quick.

Tabor goes on to say that shortly after leaving the game, Quick honed his puppetry skills in a Vaudevillian review somewhere in the Italian Market. It was here that he ran into a young Jim Henson who was test screening his own puppets in a new show called Sesame Street. The two collaborated to create the first iteration of Reese, consisting of a large crew sock, black marker, and glue-on "googily eyes." Over the years, the Jim Henson Creature Shop has implemented advancements in technology to make a more realistic puppet that Quick can use in personal appearances and television broadcasts.

For more secrets involving other notable Philly sportscasters, click after the jump.

More...

• Mark Zumoff from the Sixers is actually blind.

• Jim Jackson of the Flyers telecast, cannot wear pants. He has a medical condition involving sensitive skin that can result in extreme chaffing when coming in contact with fabrics. Whenever the case calls for Jackson to appear on television, he is shot from the waste down, or the pants are added in post production using CGI.

• Hall of Fame Phillies play by play announcer, Harry Kalas, gargles horse semen before every broadcast. While his face and body make him look like he's 100 years old, the concoction which is derived from champion race horses by fertility scientists, helps to keep his vocal chords and world famous delivery of "Outta here..." healthy and young. The book does not confirm if Kalas swallows.

Play by Play: Philly Commentators Exposed by Tabor Jansens retails for $19.99 and is available exclusively at Borders.

Hello From Lehigh: Eagles Training Camp Day 10

The players (and this particular writer) cheered a collective, "Yay" before the start of training Eagles camp practice drills at Lehigh University, after the morning session was canceled due to a water main break. Eagles backing up quarterback, Kevin Kolb, used this extra time to sleep in. I used the break in the football playing to visit the main campus book store. The traffic was light due to many students being away on summer break and one employee stated that the majority of players cannot read.

I picked up the newest Giada De Laurentiis pasta cook book and headed to the checkout counter when something caught my eye. Local artist Martin Slamon has published a new illustrated book from Scholastic entitled "Where' Shawn Andrews Now?"

Readers must search for Shawn as he hides among thousands of people in various Philadelphia locales, including the Italian Market and Rittenhouse Square. Also hidden throughout the book are various items the number 73 is known to carry: like his cell phone, a ham sandwich, and a snake necklace he left at one of his girlfriends houses.

Andrews, an all-star offensive lineman, who's job it is to protect the number 5 from being placed on the ground by an opposing player, has been missing from Eagles practice training meeting football camp for unknown reasons.

"Where' Shawn Andrews Now?" can be purchased through digidigidigi via PayPal.

Tight Ends: Rookie safety Quintin Demps joined cornerbacks Lito Sheppard and Asante Samuel on the Injury Hurting list... Brian Dawkins handed out FREE Touchdown Sundaes from Turkey Hill and he scared me... Andy Reid's mustache is red with little bits of gold in it.

McNabb Allergic to Racism

Today at training camp in Lehigh, Philadelphia Quarterback leader Donovan McNabb was motor carted off the football playing area after having an allergic reaction to racism. McNabb, now in his tenth year, lead the half of the team that scores offense onto the field and started a football drive. After receiving the snap from center, the number five went back to make a football pass to his wide receiver, R. Brown. The ball went right through the arm hands of Brown, and immediately the crowd began to "boo." Shortly thereafter, McNabb began to have his allergic reaction.

Team doctors say symptoms included dry heaving, retching, with eventual vomiting and the inability to complete a short football pass. Head coach Andy Reid addressed the media shortly after practice and said, "We had to take Donovan out there... just as a precaution there. We'll re-examine him tomorrow. The time is yours."

Tight-ends: Highlights of the day's activities included one particular football play where a player grabbed the ball and began to speed run down the white line on the side of the field. He was tackle hit by another player and made a fumble....Also, the players' uniforms are clean, fit well and look very good....The Eagles start the pre-season season on Aug. 9th in Pittsburgh.

Eagles' Lito Sheppard Traded To Book Publisher For Dictionary

Disgruntled Eagles cornerback Lito Sheppard received the trade he had been seeking earlier today when the team moved him to book publisher Random House for a Webster's Dictionary and a book to be named later.

After hearing an interview with the two-time Pro Bowler where he claimed the Eagles were showing him "disappreciation," Random House, publisher of Webster's Dictionary, contacted the team looking to make a trade. Ellis Burroughs, spokesperson for Random House said Sheppard will head one of the company's newest departments.

"It's been difficult for us to keep up with the new words that are entering the American lexicon every year," said Burroughs. "We're hoping someone with the foresight of Lito can help us discover these words before they get out to the general public."

Burroughs cites the last eight years of the Bush administration and the popularity of The Colbert Report as creating the biggest problems for the company and their iconic dictionary.

"The average person isn't going to be able to come up with a word like misunderestimated or truthiness," said Burroughs. "But Lito's clearly ahead of the curve in that regard. Just today he told me he was "exaspercited" to start with us next week. Obviously we're exaspercited to have him as well."

With the off-season acquisition of Asante Samuel, the Eagles defensive backfield had become overpopulated and it was clear Lito Sheppard was going to be the odd man out. Eagles head coach Andy Reid feels the trade is the best that could be worked out.

"We have to make the moves that are best for the team and right now what's best for the team is getting what we can for a player like Lito," said Reid. "I'm not going to go into details, but we think the books that we acquired are going to play a big role ... task ... purpose ... capacity. See it's already paying off."

Ignoring Irony, Rabid Sports Fans Call Dark Knight Fans, "Nerds"

Last week The Dark Knight, the latest film in the Batman series, earned over $18.5 million in midnight showings its opening night. The movie was shown in an unprecedented 3,040 screens across the country at the stroke of midnight. For many of the people who were able to see the movie in the wee hours of the morning that meant standing in line for hours to get tickets, something some people have begun calling "nerdy."

In it's opening weekend, The Dark Knight set a record for the biggest opening gross for a film ever, earning $158.4 million. Chris Martinez was one of the fans who waited in line for hours just to buy a ticket to the midnight showing.

"I was here at 6 o'clock Wednesday night with my friends, so basically 30 hours in line," said Martinez still in the Joker make-up he had been wearing for almost two days. "I'm used to sitting at my computer playing World of Warcraft for almost that long anyway, no biggie."

But amazingly some people think waiting in line for hours to buy a ticket to a movie based on a comic book is for "nerds," "dorks" or "losers." John McKernan, who describes himself as a "die-hard Philly sports fan" says only a geek would wait in line for hours dressed as a movie character. But amazingly enough, McKernan admits to painting his entire body green and standing topless in Lincoln Financial Field in near freezing temperatures for an Eagles game.

"Yo, that's completely different though - that's sports" said McKernan. "You can't be a loser and like sports, it's just not possible. It's been proven, like scientifically proven."

In fact, it hasn't been proven. And a recent study by Nina Von Dooshen, professor and head of the Sociology department at the University of Pennsylvania, shows the actions of many sports fans closely resemble the habits of the people who would attend a midnight showing of The Dark Knight, or even the latest Comic-Con.

"It's really amazing when you look at it because the actions of sports fans and the actions of fans of movies like The Dark Knight, or fanboys as we call them, are almost identical," said Von Dooshen. "We have sports fans at an extreme level painting their bodies and standing in extremely cold temperature and on a lesser level wearing their favorite player's jersey. And we have fanboys, or girls as the case may be, dressing up as a character like Batman or maybe seeing a movie at 3a.m. It's quite fascinating, the two groups are really more alike then they might imagine."

But while Von Dooshen says the two groups are essentially exhibiting the same fanatical habits, McKernan and Martinez disagree.

"Those guys are just obnoxious, drunk and obnoxious, we're not like them," said Martinez. "It's not like we're starting fights with people who are coming to the theater to see Mama Mia!"

McKernan added, "That Von Dooshen chick doesn't know what she's talking about 'cause I ain't never gonna wait in line no 30 hours for birds tickets. Plus you gotta buy them online now anyway."

Rico Savage, The Phunyun's entertainment reporter, cannot be reached by phone (credit issues) but can be reached by e-mail at savage.rico@gmail.com

Sports Radio Caller Hired As Eagles GM

In a move that will likely send shockwaves through the National Football League, Philadelphia Eagles president Joe Banner announced the hiring of Vincent "Vinny" Salvadori today as the team's new general manager after hearing the trade ideas he had as a caller on a local sports radio station last week.

"We like to think a little outside the box," said Banner, speaking from the team's training camp at Lehigh University. "Vinny just has some very bold and interesting ideas that we think will take us to the next level."

Last Wednesday Salvadori, a lifelong South Philadelphia resident, called into the midday show on 610 WIP with hosts Anthony Gargano and Glen Macnow, to suggest a trade of Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb for fellow quarterback Brett Favre. Favre announced his retirement at the end of last season but is looking to return to football and is asking the Green Bay Packers to release or trade him.

"Look, I'm just saying you know what Favre can do and he's like awesome, he's like a warrior" said Salvadori. "Plus, McNabb's a bum and we're not going to win anything with him. I've been saying that since we drafted him in '99"

Salvadori, who says his most recent career was "doing side jobs," has no front office experience and didn't play football past a pop warner team at age 12. But Salvadori says he thinks these are benefits for him.

"I'm not stuck on all this [stuff] like the other GMs, like salary caps and whatever. Who cares, let's just get the deals done," Salvadori said.

The hiring of Salvadori means Andy Reid will step down from his post as general manager but will stay on for his tenth season as the team's head coach. It is a move Reid says he welcomes.

"It's tough doing both jobs, plus my kids are clearly losing their minds, so I think this is good for everyone," said Reid.

During the first week of training camp Salvadori says he expects to make his dream trade come true by offering the Packers the 31-year-old McNabb for Favre, who will turn 39 this October.

"We need some better wide receivers here too so I might see if they want to throw in [Donald] Driver," said Salvadori.

McNabb, who is training for the upcoming season in Arizona was unavailable for comment at press time.

The unprecedented move of hiring someone with no football experience is long overdue according to Salvadori who has plans for all Philadelphia sports teams.

"I've been saying for years that if I was running the teams we'd have a championship by now," said Salvadori. "We'd have Kobe [Bryant] on the Sixers, ARod on the Phils and I dunno, whoever is the best hockey player on the Flyers. It would be effing sweet."