MLB Tells Myers To Cover Ridiculous Facial Hair Before Tonight's Game

In his previous start last week again the Florida Marlins, Phillies pitcher Brett Myers was forced to cover his ugly, out-dated, white-trash tribal tattoo on his left wrist when it was deemed distracting to opposing batters. But Atlanta skipper Bobby Cox raised the bar in gamesmanship this week by asking Major League Baseball to not only force Myers to cover the tattoo, but to also cover his ridiculous facial hair when he pitches against Braves tonight.

"It's just them trying to get in my head," said Myers, who refused to shave his chin vagina and will instead wear a chin strap designed for people with sleeping disorders. "They can't get in my head, people have been trying to get in my head for years - fans, managers, pitching coaches, my wife - ain't gonna happen."

Braves catcher Brian McCann said there is validity to the distraction caused by the bush on Myers' chin. "You're up at the plate and you see this weird orange, redish thing hanging from his face and there's no way you can pay attention to the ball," said McCann. "I mean, all he does is throw fastballs so it shouldn't be that hard, but that Goddamn soul patch takes you out of your game."

But Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said it's just a feeble attempt to psych out the team. "You know, it's like, why would they ... you know, why would they be distracted? It's like, you know ... well first of all, I think, it's like ..."

Not effected by the facial hair ban is Phillies right fielder Jayson Werth, who will be allowed to patrol the outfield with his chin landing strip.

Lindros Cleared of All Charges in Friend's Mother's Death

Former Philadelphia Flyer Hockey Puck captain, Eric Lindros has been cleared of any involvement in the death of his close friend's mother. The investigation ended when the coroner's report listed cause of death as "natural causes." Suspicions arose last week when Lindros declined an invitation to attend a ceremony featuring all fifteen of the franchise's captains at the Spectrum for an exhibition game, citing his prior commitment to attend the memorial service of a friend's dead mother. Enraged by the negative response from his former prodigy, ex-general manager Bobby Clarke hired a private investigator to examine evidence and tail the Lindros family, including father Carl and mother Bonnie.

"Who sets up a memorial service that far in advance... and more importantly, who has a memorial service so late after the passing?" screamed an enraged Clarke in a recent interview. The famed forward player achieved glory back in the 7o's, leading the Flyers to two consecutive winning Championships as an integral part of the Broad Street Bullies. As GM, Clarke made a enormous trade to get Lindros and nearly won a Stanley Cup in 1997. He went on to say, "The little baby would rather kill another helpless human being and use it as excuse to not be in the same building as me."

Along with Clarke, the fans seem to be extremely upset by Lindros' refusal to attend. Bart Larame of Springfield states, "I just pulled two perfectly good pieces of duct tape off his name on the back of my jersey. Now I have to cover it up all over again. What a waste." The number 88 suffered various injuries and numerous concussions of the head while a Flyer, with his last game ending after a devastating check-hit from Devils' nemesis, Scott Stevens, in the 99-00 conference finals.

The Flyers vs. Carolina exhibition game and captain ceremony is Sept. 27th at 1 pm. The Spectrum will be demolished at the completion of the Phantoms AHL Hockey season.

Pete Rose Reinstated By MLB, Playing Under Various Phillies Aliases

During last night's Phillies/Nationals game, Philadelphia second baseman Chase Utley, who was at third base, took off for home when Washington pitcher John Lannan attempted a pick off at first base. Utley was tagged out at home, but not before sending Nationals catcher Jesus Flores to the hospital with a sprained ankle. Now, in a photo of the play obtained by The Phunyun, it appears the player racing home was not Utley, but former Phillie Pete Rose.

Last night marked the third time this season a Phillies player attempted to take out an opposing team's catcher. Earlier this season Eric Bruntlet gave Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina a concussion and in July, Shane Victorino ran over Braves catcher Brian McCann. But an investigation by The Phunyun shows these plays, and the Utley play last evening, were actually the work of Pete Rose, who in 1989 was banned from baseball.

Sources from within Major League Baseball confirm that a plan was devised in May to allow Rose to return to the game, first by assuming the role of other players. The MLB hired famed Hollywood make-up artist Terri Simon to make Rose look like a number of Phillies players throughout the season. Each of the plays in question are eerily similar to the infamous "Ray Fosse incident" Rose was involved in in 1970.

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel refused to confirm that Rose was playing for his team, but he did say, "Pete Rose ain't never worn no lipstick or rouge, I'll tell ya that."

Spokespeople for the Braves, Cardinals and Nationals each said they are considering disputing the games in which Rose was involved.

Mendte to Receive Pardon from President Bush

Beleagured former KYW-Tv Newscaster Larry Mendte pleaded guilty in court Friday to charges that he illegally hacked into the email account of his co-anchor, Alycia Lane. Sources close to the Phunyun believe that if sentenced to a prison term, Mendte will be pardoned by President George W. Bush. These rumors have spurred on rampant speculation that Mendte has given up the news in order to pursue a career in internet surveillance, gaining intelligence to fight the war on terror.

Alabaster Le'Creme, Public Affairs officer for the Women's U.S. Gymnastics squad, believes that the anonymous hacker who exposed the Chinese ruse involving the use of underage gymnists to win the gold in these 2008 Summer Olympics was none other than Larry Mendte. He states, "The man has had a ton of time on his hands recently, and he obviously has a gift. So many people are looking at this thing from the wrong angle."

Family and friends of Mendte blame his recent troubles on the film, Swordfish, starring Hugh Jackman as a hacker who must use his web talent to get back his daughter. The former host of prime-time CBS 3 news received the movie as a gift this past Christmas. Mendte faces a possible 5 years in prison.

For Philadelphia Residents, "The Shore" May Not Be So Far Away

With rising gas prices, more Philadelphia area residents have chosen to stay closer to the area for their vacations. In an effort to please some of these "stay-cationers" and hopefully take some tourism dollars from the Jersey shore, Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter has commissioned Japanese construction firm Icanhaz Properties to build five artificial islands off the coast of Penn's Landing, three of which has already been completed.

Nutter said the idea for the islands came from the artificial islands built off the coast of Dubai in the shapes of palm trees and the Earth, but also because it has become so difficult to build anything on the Penn's Landing site.

"We are really doing something that we haven't seen anywhere else in this country, and we're using the beautiful Delaware River to our advantage," said Nutter. "We might not be able to provide our citizens with Wi-Fi, but we can sure as hell get them some islands."

The building of the islands has been no small task with over 600 million cubic feet of stone, rock and sand used to construct the three completed islands. Nutter said the material for the build has come from a number of different places.

"We did a little bit of dredging, that's where the bulk of the material came from," said Nutter. "But we had a ton of dirt left over from the Disney hole and the convention center expansion, so why not just dump it in the Delaware."

The islands completed are in the shape of iconic Philadelphia images and will eventually hold hotels and shopping venues for visitors. The first island to be completed was in the shape of the Rocky statue and has been named "Yo Island," followed by "Crack Island" in the shape of the Liberty Bell and "Pat's Steak Island" which was funded in part by the famous cheesesteak shop.

Nutter said all five islands should be completed by Memorial Day 2009, the traditional start of the summer season. Bookings for private islands and hotels are being handled at www.phillyshore.com.

WYSP Changes Formats, Attracting Much Sought-After "White Trash" Demographic

Radio listeners were in for some changes yesterday morning when they turned their dials to WYSP (94.1 FM) and heard bands like Foghat and The Scorpions on their way into work. The change of formats, to what YSP is calling "The Rock You Grew Up With," targets the much sought-after "white trash" market.

WYSP, which is owned by CBS Radio, believes their format change will strike a blow to similarly formatted stations in the Philadelphia area, and seems to be setting their sights on long-time owner of the white-trash radio population, WMMR (93.3 FM).

"We're going to rip the heart out of WMMR," said YSP operations manager Andy Bloom. "If you've got a 1977 El Camino with the transmission ripped out on your front lawn, if you wear shorts in the winter to show off your sweet calf tattoo, if you have a tv sitting on top of your tv ... you might be a YSP listener."

Local residents had mixed reactions to the format change. Mike Belkin of Linwood, Delaware County, said the change is just what he's been looking for.

"Finally there's a place where I can hear Lynyrd Skynrd, Def Leppard and Metallica without changing stations," said Belkin. "My girlfriend's going to love it too. So will my ex-wife, and mothers of my five kids.

But local hipster Stephan Idaips said this is just more of the same from Philadelphia radio.

"Once again there's nowhere for me to listen to the music I want to hear," said Idaips. "Where am I going to hear The Creaky Boards, or VCR-legs or Wolfman Weekday? You don't even know what I'm talking about, do you?"

The Phunyun archives show this latest format change is the 89th change for the WYSP in the last decade.

Obama's Pick of Biden for Veep Teaches Country Delaware Actually a Real State

At 3 a.m. Saturday, Barack Obama's campaign team sent out a text message and e-mail announcing his choice of Joseph Biden for his running mate for the 2008 Presidential run. While the move was hailed by many for Biden's experience in foreign matters, it seems the choice also served to point out to America that Delaware is in fact an actual state.

In picking the 35-year senator as his running mate, Obama's campaign immediately gained political experience, one of the main knocks on the first-term Illinois senator. But many Democratic insiders are pointing out that the choice also moved the state of Delaware into the spotlight, giving it legitimacy as an "actual state."

"I would go to conventions or talk to folks when I was on vacation an tell them I was from Delaware and people would just laugh," said Marlon Brown, head of the Delaware Democratic Party. "Now I think people will stop doing that little scene from Wayne's World, saying 'We're in Delaware' ... all sarcastic like."

With little going for the state other than it's distinction as the "First State," many in Delaware are hoping Biden, and the potential of having him in the White House, might be a boon for the state. Longtime Delaware resident Delbert Bard said the possibility of having a Vice President of the United States from Delaware marks one of the most exciting things to happen in the state in years.

"This is probably the biggest thing to happen to Delaware since DuPont discovered Teflon in 1938," said Bard. "Either that or when we had that public flogging back in 1952. Tell you what, you bring back some public whippings and ...."

Senator Biden is scheduled to speak at the Democratic National Convention in Denver on Wednesday night.

Philadelphia Zoo Unveils Newest Attraction: Walrus Imitates Andy Reid!

(photo via Scoop Ketchems, AP)

Just in time for the start of the 2008-09 football season, the Philadelphia Zoo plans to unveil it's newest attraction, an Andy Reid impersonating walrus. Now before you go calling the SPCA, you must realize that this is not your ordinary case of animal exploitation. One day, a zoo patron wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hat got too close to the edge of one of the aquatic tanks. A gust of wind lifted the cap off the upset zoo-goer and dropped it down into the water. The inhabitant of the tank, a walrus who the employees now call "Big Red" swam up and under that hat and has been wearing it ever since.

Albert Robards, head custodial engineer of the aquatic mammal division at the zoo states, "He absolutely loves the attention. At first we just joked that he looked like Coach Reid in the hat, but he completely embraced the roll." Apparently, many of the zoo-workers gather round a television on Sundays and watch the game, and now they have a rather unlikely guest. "We've taught him to do the throat clear, and we had an outside clothier create the huge black jacket and phony head-set."

And for the grand finale? "At the end of the game, he slides up on the land platform in his tank and gets behind a make shift podium with a microphone." After weeks of training and practice, the walrus has learned how to bark out something that slightly resembles Coach Reid's signature catch phrase: The time is yours.

If you were wondering where the similarities between Reid and his long tusked counterpart end, look no further than their records in the big game. Cynthia Altair, head of public relations states, "We started this promotional contest across the U.S. called the Zoo-per Bowl, where select groups of animals from major cities compete for a trophy. This year, B.R. coached his team of trained seals to a victory over some animals from the Franklin Park zoo in New England."

When I reminded Ms. Altair that Andy Reid had in fact won a Super Bowl ring, she was quick to correct me. "He wasn't the head coach on that one. Plus, it wasn't in Philly... and as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters."

BREAKING: Among Ads For Transvestite Sex & Condos, Philadelphia Weekly Has 17 Pages Of Content

In a move that may mark a change in the Philadelphia alternative-weekly scene, Philadelphia Weekly, one of the two alt-weekly newspapers distributed in the Philadelphia area, set a record with their latest issue by placing 17 pages of original content in the 88 page paper.

PW editor Tim Whitaker says the 19 percent of original content in their latest issue is simply a one-time error, and does not mark a change in editorial style for the publication.

"We try to really keep the original content down to about 10 to 15 percent for each issue, but we had a couple of problems this week with our sex ... I mean 'adult' ads not making it by deadline," said Whitaker. "I really want to apologize to anyone who was looking for more 'T/S,' 'entertainment' or 'massage' ads."

Brian Howard, editor-in-chief of the Philadelphia City Paper said he's taking PW's move as an act of war.

"There has really always been an unwritten rule in this city that you filled your paper with ads for bars, and adult phone lines, and Asian massage parlors and maybe one or two feature stories that ran three pages," said Howard. "But to have your paper with 19 percent original content, that's absurd, they've really thrown down the gauntlet."

However local readers didn't seem to notice much of a difference in the additional content of Philadelphia Weekly. 16-year-old Josh Mayo said he doesn't even pick up PW to read any of the ads.

"Me and my sister have to share a computer, so it's kinda hard for me to get spank material," he said. "So, usually I just take the adult section in the bathroom and have at it, so I don't care about articles and stuff.

U.S./Russia/Georgia Conflict Prompts Video Rentals of Rocky IV to Jump 200%

Gathered consumer data from both NetFlix and Blockbuster Online Video Rental outlets shows the rental of the 1985 Cold War classic, Rocky IV, has increased almost 200% in light of recent world developments. The movie depicts fictitious Philadelphia boxer, Rocky Balboa's attempt to avenge the death of his former opponent and current best friend, Apollo Creed, at the hands of an unbeatable Russian boxer, Ivan Drago. The fourth and most financially successful Rocky film is currently at the top of over 87% of the queues of Netflix users.

Brian O'Brien, night manager of West Coast Video on South 15th St. in Center City believes that the increase has much to do with the U.S.'s recent stand on the Russian invasion of Georgia. "Aside from the Nazis who no longer exist, there's no greater villain for the American public than the Russians." After being bitter rivals during the Cold War, animosity between Russia and the U.S. plateaued over the last decade. Recently, Hollywood has begun to rekindle the flame with well known American heroes like Indiana Jones taking on the dreaded "Red Army" in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

O'Brien also believes that healthy Olympic competition (NBC 8pm) has helped spur the Rocky IV revival across most of the country. What about locally, particularly focusing on the Eastern half of Pennsylvania, we ask? "Everyone already owns it," states the precocious WCV employee. "If they don't have it on DVD, they have it on VHS. If they don't have it on VHS, they'll watch it on cable. They've got the toys, the soundtracks, the bed sheets, and a statue out in front of the art museum."

Councilmen Hope To Ban "Talking," Everything Else, In Cars

If two City Council members have their way, motorists in Philadelphia will have to drastically change their habits in their cars as they will be prohibited from doing anything that isn't strictly "driving related" such as talking, changing the radio station or adjusting the temperature in the car.

Philadelphia City Council members Bill Orange and Bill Orangechen are drafting a bill that would ban all non-driving related activities in cars traveling in the Philadelphia city limits. The councilmen expect to introduce the bill when City Council returns from summer break on Sept. 18.

Although the final draft of the bill is not yet available, The Phunyun was able to obtain an early form of the bill. While the bill initially started as a ban of hand-held cell phones, texting and Web surfing, it has since grown to include activities like "talking," "regulating radio functions," "adjusting temperature controls" and "using navigation devices." Councilman Orange said the bill is a step to increase the driving safety in the city.

"You hear a lot about the people getting in accidents because they're talking on the phone, but what about the people who are just talking to a passenger, or changing the station or turning on the air conditioning," said Orange. "Look, we're not saying you can't listen to the radio, just pick a station before you remove your car from park."

Word of the new bill has angered many motorists in the area who say the expectations are just too large. Steven Jenkins, who lives in Montgomery County but commutes to Philadelphia during the week says if the bill is enacted, he will ignore it.

"There's no way I'm following that law, there's just no way," said Jenkins. "Say I'm listing to 610 [WIP-AM] on my way out of the city and it's like 2:59 and I forget Eskin comes on at 3. You're telling me I have to sit through that [crap] for my hour ride home?"

If the bill passes through council, it would take effect January 1, 2009.

BREAKING NEWS: Tell All Book says, "Merrill Reese is a Hand-Puppet."

A newly published book that focuses on exposing the secrets of local sportscasters has hit national store shelves. Play by Play: Philly Commentators Exposed is a blistering literary attack on some of the most famous Philadelphia sports personalities, including the Eagles' own Merrill Reese. According to author Tabor Jansens, Reese is in fact a hand puppet in one of the world's most sophisticated ventriloquist acts, operated by none other than partner and five time Pro-Bowl receiver, Mike Quick.

Tabor goes on to say that shortly after leaving the game, Quick honed his puppetry skills in a Vaudevillian review somewhere in the Italian Market. It was here that he ran into a young Jim Henson who was test screening his own puppets in a new show called Sesame Street. The two collaborated to create the first iteration of Reese, consisting of a large crew sock, black marker, and glue-on "googily eyes." Over the years, the Jim Henson Creature Shop has implemented advancements in technology to make a more realistic puppet that Quick can use in personal appearances and television broadcasts.

For more secrets involving other notable Philly sportscasters, click after the jump.

More...

• Mark Zumoff from the Sixers is actually blind.

• Jim Jackson of the Flyers telecast, cannot wear pants. He has a medical condition involving sensitive skin that can result in extreme chaffing when coming in contact with fabrics. Whenever the case calls for Jackson to appear on television, he is shot from the waste down, or the pants are added in post production using CGI.

• Hall of Fame Phillies play by play announcer, Harry Kalas, gargles horse semen before every broadcast. While his face and body make him look like he's 100 years old, the concoction which is derived from champion race horses by fertility scientists, helps to keep his vocal chords and world famous delivery of "Outta here..." healthy and young. The book does not confirm if Kalas swallows.

Play by Play: Philly Commentators Exposed by Tabor Jansens retails for $19.99 and is available exclusively at Borders.

Citing Success of Pollution-ridden Beijing, Marcus Hook Awarded 2012 Summer Games

The International Olympic Committee entered the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, China with much trepidation because of the concerns over pollution and smog that might effect the views of the games and potentially effect the health of the athletes. But the success of the XXIX Olympiad has caused the IOC to rethink the future venues of the summer games and in a surprising move announced the decision to change the 2012 games from its original host city of London, to the Philadelphia suburb of Marcus Hook.

IOC President Jacques Rogge said the decision to move the 2012 games to Marcus Hook was based mostly on the television ratings for the Beijing games.

"The American audience is tuning in in droves on NBC and over half of the UK population watched the opening ceremonies," said Rogge. "And we think a lot of that has to do with the pollution and people's interest in how that would effect the games."

The change of venues by the IOC is stunning for a number of reasons. First, with only about 2,000 residents, Marcus Hook is not even a city and does not have the infrastructure at the moment to host the games. But maybe most surprising is Marcus Hook did not even inquire about hosting the games. Mayor George McClure said he is as surprised as any to hear that his borough will be at the center of the world's attention in just four years.

"I got the phone call late Friday night that they were interested in moving the games here and I said to the guy, 'I think you got the wrong number,'" said McClure. "But they really wanted to have the Summer Olympics here. Not sure where the hell we're going to put everything though."

While the new soccer stadium planned for the nearby city of Chester may help with the number of venues needed for the borough, McClure says figuring out where to hold many of the events is going to be a problem.

"I'm thinking for the swimming stuff we can just have 'em do laps in the Delaware [River]," he said. "I'm gonna have someone buy some of those noodles you have in the pool and we'll just string 'em together and there's your lanes. Hopefully there's no leaks from the refinery or something. Ha! Try swimming in that Phelps."

Michael Phelps Calls Americans 'Front Runners' For Only Following Swimming Every Four Years

In an interview with muckraking sports program Best Damn Sports Show Period, Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps called Americans "front runners" for only following Olympic sports every four years.

On Thursday night's episode of the FOX Sports show Phelps, who has won five gold medals and set five world records at this year's Summer Games, told the hosts he felt, for some reason, the United States public only seems to support swimming every four years when athletes from all over the world gather in one place to compete in their respective sports.

"There are times, ya know it's like, one of those countries they, ya know ... I might catch some flak for this - they're front-runners," said Phelps "When you're doing good, they're on your side. When you're doing bad they're completely against you."

Phelps compared his situation with that of the the swimmer who came in behind him, winning the silver medal in the 200m butterfly and 400m individual medley in this year's games.

"For example, Laszlo [Cseh]'s from Hungary. Ya know, Hungary, it seems like, they support their team. They're out there ... and they're encouraging. In The U.S., you can't be no punk," he said.

Phelps' remarks have set off a firestorm among sports fans in the U.S. who argue that the Olympics only happen every four years and wouldn't know how to follow the sports beyond that time frame even if they wanted to.

However, some sports figures in the United States have stood behind Phelps' remarks. Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins said Phelps was completely right about front running fans.

"If he lived in Philly he'd really see how bad it was," said Rollins. "Try swimming laps with guys chanting E-A-G-L-E-S the entire time."

Rollins' teammate Ryan Howard responded by saying, "Uhhhhh ...."

Consumer Product Recall

The Great Atlantic & Pacific Tea Co. has issued a massive recall of 3 products for the city of Philadelphia, focusing on purchases made at local Super Fresh and Acme stores within the past 24 hours. The products are as follows:

Topps Ground Beef Patties (10oz) - serial #18897-3845 and product code 177.
JonJon's Scrapple (17.5 oz) serial #18845-2333 and product code 888.
Nathan's Footlong Hot Dogs (24oz) - serial #18898-3846 and product code 132.

No specific reason has been given for the recall and customers are asked to return the products to their place of purchase for a full refund.

Break-in Turned Suicide Baffles Local Authorities

What was once labeled a routine breaking and entering by Philadelphia Police is now being called an apparent suicide. Authorities responded to a 911 call reporting a break-in at the Topps Meat Co. packing plant in South Philadelphia, finding a large hole in the roof above most of the machinery. The only problem with the theory of the plant being burglarized: there was nothing missing.

Officer Tan Chu was on duty at the scene and stated, "Aside from the hole and the discovery of a size 11 hi-top Nike sneaker, we found nothing to determine that this was a break-in." Shortly after interviewing the officer, we noted a distraught woman talking with police about another unrelated matter. Or so we thought.

"I returned home from my late shift and found this letter by an open window," stated Lynn Goleg, a nurse who lives in the LongView apartments next door to the packing plant. Police believe her son, Arthur, wrote a suicide letter shortly before stepping out the window of their apartment on the 16th floor, falling to his death. Arthur wears size 11 Nike hi-tops.

What's baffling about this particular case is that no one can seem to find Arthur's body. "There's tons of vats of meat, pipes, machinery with blades and plastic wrap for us to go through," adds Chu. The morning cleaning crew discovered the hole in the ceiling before making the call, and the plant is self automated. This leaves an open window of 6 hours between the suicide and the discovery of the hole. Head foreman, Stu Benson says, "The plant runs on its own and the only human interaction overnight is the meat being loaded by hand into tractor trailers and shipped out."

If you have any information as to the whereabouts of Arthur Goleg, please contact local authorities.

Radiohead Shares Meaning of Life with Camden Crowd

Radiohead, who played a sold out concert at the Susquehanna Bank Center last night in Camden, is not Led Zeppellin, the Rolling Stones, or the Beatles... so just shut up. Their lead singer, Thom Yorke, has something wrong with his eye. Their setlist consisted mostly of songs from their "pay what you want" album In Rainbows, with a sprinkle of previous albums here and there. And while I was taking a piss, they supposedly shared the meaning of life with the couple thousand fans in attendance.

I had just returned from the bathroom and was standing in line, waiting for a Michelob Ultra, when I noticed everyone in the crowd was hugging and crying, but in a happy way. Even the dweeb at the beer-hut wasn't paying attention to the twenty I held out to him. It was like the ending of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, where everyone at the top of the mountain was touched by some sort of experience that no one else would ever understand, unless they had been there.

I grabbed a kid wearing a Manic Street Preachers T-shirt and demanded he tell me what the band said, but he couldn't describe it. Apparently, Yorke began speaking in tongues, sharing information in the form of clicks and pops, like some sort of African dialect, but everyone could still understand him. While he was doing this, the rest of the band made hand symbols and stood in varying body formations, turning these little flash lights on and off.

They then climbed into a flying boat made of tinfoil and headed back across the river to Philadelphia. I didn't get to hear Grizzly Bear, the opening band from Brooklyn, because I was huffing a nitrous balloon in the parking lot and getting a hummer. For a song by song recap of the show, click after the jump.

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01. 15 Step - Opening song from In Rainbows and the closest thing to rock this band played
02. There There - This one needs a little less big drum and a little more cowbell
03. Morning Bell - wtf???
04. All I Need - I could bang to that.
05. The National Anthem - That's not our national anthem.
06. Videotape - How do you groove to something like this? This is a concert... right?
07. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi - Beatles cover, I think.
08. The Gloaming - Something is wrong with their instruments. They sound fuzzy.
09. Where I End And You Begin - *yawn*
10. Faust Arp - I really hate playful banter between the band. See: Van Halen
11. No Surprises - *fell asleep*
12. Jigsaw - This band is a rock-tease.
13. The Bends - I heard this on Y100 once.
14. Idioteque - Yorke dances wildly, like that guy from the Mighty Might Bosstones, on crack.
15. Climbing Up The Walls - brb.
16. Nude - ...
17. Bodysnatchers - Thank God that's over.

Encore 1
18. House of Cards - Shit!
19. Lucky
20. Go Slowly - Was this a slow song? I couldn't tell. No wait, there are my parents dancing to it over there... nevermind.
21. Just - let there be one more song.
22. Street Spirit - I heard this on WMMR once.

Encore 2
23. Reckoner - Fuck!
24. Planet Telex - This is Where I go to the bathroom.
25. Everything In Its Right Place

Local Scientist Discovers/Isolates "Wooder" Gland

A local scientist has documented an undiscovered gland specific to mouths of persons living in and around the Philadelphia area. This extra growth can be found in the back of the throat and is shown to be the key contributing factor in their mis-pronunciation of the word "water."

Sheena E. Stone, head of Otolaryngology research at DuPont in Delaware states, "It is a rather amazing discovery for the medical field and a huge piece of evidence promoting the theory of evolution." The gathering of tissue at the base of the tongue, near the trachea shortens the extension of the tongue making the flick of the customary "wat" in water, sound more a like a "wood."

The discovery was made while applying a new form of lip gloss developed by cosmetics giant Bausch and Lomb on test subjects from the Tri-State area. An allergic reaction occurred on all the participants except for those from Philadelphia. Scientists have since performed further testing and discovered that the gland acts as a defense booster for the immune system, counter-attacking toxins that can be found in everyday items, such as buffalo wing sauce, the glue in plain white sneakers, and the metallic coating in fake gold jewelry.

Following Success of Juan Samuel Night, Phils Announce Plan to Honor Steve Jeltz, Others

Friday night the Phillies welcomed the 30th player into their Wall of Fame when Juan Samuel joined the likes of Mike Schmidt, Steve Carlton and Tony Taylor in having his likelihood enshrined in Citizen Bank Park's centerfield. The success of the night has caused the team to rethink their previous initiative of honoring great Phillies players and instead intend on canonizing mediocre to poor players starting with Steve Jeltz in 2009.

John Brazer, publicity director for the Phillies, said the team was shocked by the public support given to Samuel on Friday night and said the decision to honor Jeltz stems from what he called Philadelphia's "love of losers."

"If you had told me a year ago that almost 44,000 people would show up to honor Juan Samuel I would have told you you were nuts," said Brazer. "But that's what happened. And you can say it was because it was a Friday night, or because the team's in first place, but the truth is 44,000 people came out to honor a mediocre second baseman and we feel they'll come out to support Steve Jeltz, who quite frankly was a pretty bad shortstop."

While players with the pedigree of Jeltz and Samuel would be out of place on many teams' Walls of Fame, it seems appropriate for the Phillies who have already honored Tony Taylor, a career .261 hitter, and Willie "Puddin' Head" Jones who hit 180 home runs in 12 seasons with the Phils. With that in mind, and following the success of Juan Samuel night, the Phillies have their honorees picked for the next few years. According to Brazer, here are the upcoming players selected to the Wall of Fame:

• 2009 Steve Jeltz - Jeltz holds the records for most games played, at bats, runs, hits, doubles, triples, runs batted in, walks and strikeouts ... for players born in France.
• 2010 Bruce Ruffin - Ruffin was a second round draft pick for the Phillies in 1985 and finished seventh in 1986's Rookie of the Year voting. He was also 42-58 with a 4.02 ERA in six seasons with the Phillies.
• 2011 Kevin Stocker - Stocker's first game for the Phillies was the infamous 20-inning game against the Dodgers in 1993. He finished with a career .261 average with the Phillies and was traded for Bobby Abreu in 1998.
• 2012 Charlie "I'm not Von" Hayes - In two stints with the Phillies, Hayes batted .256 and committed 71 errors. In a defining moment in 1990, Hayes broke up Phillies' teammate Terry Mulholland's perfect game against the Giants with a throwing error.
• 2013 Wes Chamberlain - At 6'2" 210lbs Chamberlain looked to be the next great home run hitter for the Phillies. In parts of five years with the team he batted .260 and belted 38 home runs.

Camden Mayor Says City About To Turn Corner ... No Seriously This Time

At a press conference outside of the historic RCA Building, which has been undergoing renovations for over five years, Camden, New Jersey Mayor Gwendolyn Faison said the city is about to turn the corner and eventually return its the glory days of the early 20th Century. Repeatedly during the press conference Faison asked reporters to hold down their laughter saying, "No, I'm serious."

For dozens of years the "Camden Turnaround" has been bandied about by lawmakers and business people on both sides of the Delaware River, but Faison said some recent developments have her believing the city is on the upswing.

"I'm sure you all saw the reports recently coming out of this city, and this really tells me things are changing for the better," said Faison. "We had a 44 pound cat walking the streets of Camden, now if you've got a 44 pound cat, things are good."

But Faison was quick to point out that changes are necessary if the city is to reach the front page of the paper for things other than obese felines and crime.

"The truth is we need to get more white people around here, but they're all too scared," she said. "There's more to Camden than an unaffiliated minor league baseball team or an aquarium or an amphitheater for a bunch of white folks to see Journey and Cheap Trick. OK, there's not much more, but there's more."

When asked what about future plans to draw more residents and tourists to the city, Faison said her office intends on drawing on help from what she called "our friends across the river, particularly Mayor Nutter."

Asked for comment on if and how his office planned on helping Camden and Faison, Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter responded by saying "Where? Oh the place with the Excitement Aquarium or whatever? Yea sure, tell her to call my people."